[winterglen]

I'm having a lot of trouble at school. I am trying to finish up with a practicum, where I'm supposed to be taking the lead and making the right decisions. But I can't seem to get it right.

I know how needy and dependent this sounds, but I need more direction on how to do this. My advisor is not very communicative: he's obviously giving students a lot of leeway with how they run their practicum. I know the real problem is me: I'm being too lazy or stupid or defective . . . the usual thoughts that plague me at everything I try. I know other students don't have these problems. My advisor probably assumes I'm slacking off on purpose, (and maybe he's right. I'm just so tired of all of this. I just want to get it over with, then disappear back into my minimum-wage-level life.)

I might have to ask for a different advisor, but I don't think one is available and that will create even more of a hassle for everyone. I don't want to be a burden, and I don't want to "cheat" by asking for special privileges, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Is there any nice, professional way to explain that I need someone to tell me what I'm supposed to do, instead of leaving me to make wild guesses that end in disasters? Or is it wrong to ask for extra help? WTF is wrong with me that I can't figure this out on my own?

[PoorPrincess]

Your advisor/s want you to succeed. Ask for the help you need.

[winterglen]

Okay, I moved ahead and the problem is settled for now.

I see my non school affiliated therapist on Friday. I wish it were sooner, but I'm afraid to go to a school therapist, because it'll just make things worse if I have on record that I'm complaining about a professor and trying to duck out of my responsibilities.

The main reason I want to go is that I want to explain that I wasn't slacking off on purpose -- I misunderstood what I was supposed to do. It is my fault I misunderstood, but I'm irrationally mad at my advisor for not explaining things more clearly and I know my anger is inappropriate. If I go to anyone at school and try to explain what the problem was, I'll only look ridiculously whiny and entitled, and everyone will take his side over mine (as they rightly should.)

I just have to learn to live with the fact that it was my fault and that I have no right to ask for help after I screwed up. If I'm not willing to learn how to behave appropriately, then I don't deserve any special consideration. I just want to crawl away and pretend that I'm not this awful person who creates these horrible problems for everyone else.

[porcelain_pain]

Nothing is wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with asking for direction. Chances are, other people have asked your advisor for direction too, and he has given it to them, unless your advisor is one of those sociopathic perfectionist nutballs. Assuming your advisor is a reasonable human, he understands he is there to help you and he wants you to succeed. Your advisor probably does not think you are slacking off, and if he does, it's only because he doesn't understand the situation.

Secondly, asking for accommodation is not cheating, and it is not being given 'special' privileges. If you have a mental health issue, you are within your rights LEGALLY to be accommodated to so that you can participate in this research/practicum and be successful at it. You were accepted into this program for a reason, and if there are health issues holding you back, you have every right to advocate for yourself and request accommodation.

I have been getting accommodation for the past few years at my University and they are overwhelmingly generous and understanding with it. If something isn't working for me, I can communicate that and have adjustments made, no questions asked. This did involve me having to come out to a variety of people involved in my graduate research but they have been very professional and discreet about everything. It was scary but I'm glad I did it.

You need to talk to your advisor. Don't be apologetic, bashful, or make excuses. State simply that you feel that you need more direction and highlight some areas of uncertainty. Ask whatever questions you need to ask. Make it known that you are confident in your own abilities, and demonstrate that you have full belief in yourself that you can do it with the direction that you need. Try your best to appear confident in yourself and your words.

Good luck,

Porcelain