[MiddayNap]

I have always been unnecessarily terrified of gaining weight-of developing diabetes and cancer as well, but that is another story for another time. Though I have improved quite a bit, there are still days when eating causes me an unbearable guilt. It is a heavy nausea which sits upon my stomach, causing my breath to quicken. I have taught myself to ignore these thoughts, and they have quieted, but they haven't fully been vanquished and I don't believe they ever will be. Honestly, I fear the paranoia will regain its strength and I will return to my old restrictive ways. I don't mind a restrictive diet and exercise plan, really. It's the overwhelming guilt every time I eat an apple-The masochistic relationship with my reflection I can't bear.
I have this overwhelming fear my loved ones might become obese and/or develop diabetes or cancer as well. It's sort of a two-for-one deal. The "might" quickly turns to "will" and I am enveloped with feelings of dread. Why did I not warn them of the importance of sunscreen? I shouldn't have bought my brother that coke. I have identified "triggers", as they are called, and try my best to avoid them. Save for one, which is unavoidable.
I suppose I am rambling on, so I shall get to the point. I can't help but feel a suffocating panic when a family member gains weight. My older brother and my mother both have gained weight and,though I know this to be shallow, I am bothered by it. I feel all the old paranoia surfacing-the murmurs growing louder.
I know beauty is only skin deep and I know thin does not necessarily equate to beauty. I am not a callous ***** looking down upon all who dare eat a hamburger, nor do I believe a person's character is something which can be judged by their girth. Yet for some reason, this does not cease the distress.
I hesitate to write this in the Eating-Disorders thread, for labeling it as such would, in my opinion, be an insult to those who have it much worse off than I.
I really don't know why I wrote this. If you've advice, please give it, and if you've a similar fear please share it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello MiddayNap: Prejudices can be hard to overcome. I know because I have a bunch of them. I know they don't make any sense & I try to erase them. But they always seem to keep popping back up.

Personally, I don't eat much. I don't snack. And I try not to eat much at mealtime. I'm almost down to the lowest end of the normal BMI for my age, gender & height. I used to be heavier. But, over the past few months, in particular, I've just become compelled to get thinner. Now I'm just this bony little old man... It's become something of a minor obsession.

I don't really have any advice to offer. I just thought I'd share what's on my mind with regard to the concerns you raised. Best wishes!