[ScientiaOmnisEst]

If the title sounds funny, it's only partially so, and is such to keep my own feelings at bay.

I'm just in from researching more about self-discipline after reading something about how poor impulse control is the reason many people are poor. I have no impulse control or discipline myself, and I know what a toll this takes financially, in addition to constant regret.

Yet I can feel the rage building as I read article after article of techniques to strip any pleasure or enjoyment from my life, or to become a robotic workaholic for no reason other than self-respect. I can never see discipline as anything but black-and-white.

My single biggest problem is food and compulsive eating. This is the main reason I'm often broke, am overweight, and am simply a terrible person. Well, one article mentioned a quote about how self-respect comes from the ability to say no to yourself, so the answer is obvious: to gain discipline, I must starve myself. Or else adopt an extremely strict diet and set up a system of punishments to violating said diet. And then maintain it for the rest of my life.

I don't exercise either. So naturally, I should subject myself to be most painful, brutal daily workout routine I can devise, and if I get injured, well I deserved it.

I don't have much work to do and I'm always procrastinating when I do. Articles talk about routinizing your life to get more done, except I don't have anything to get done. So I need things to fill in time so I can always be working. Even if I don't want to and don't care, because that's what being disciplined is, what not being a worthless piece of trash is. It means always doing things you hate and living joylessly for...some reason.

All these articles insist that it's a matter of payoff. I generally don't see much of a payoff to a life of self-denial and discipline other than not hating myself, but clearly, I don't even want self-respect enough. The only other motivator is money, as I tend to feel guilty any time I spend on almost anything, and avoiding that feeling has actually worked as a deterrent. But only for a while. But then again, isn't self-respect a worthy payoff by itself, and if it requires pulled muscles, starvation, and forced focus on inauthentic goals, isn't that the price people like me have to pay, especially if it's true that self-respect comes from a disciplined life?

I'm going somewhere with this. I have bad habits I'd like to change, but I can't see non-extreme ways to do it. Or the non-extreme ways feel like not enough. Discipline, to me, innately implies strictness, punishment, and frequent, if not constant denial. "Being disciplined" necessitates a joyless, dutiful, self-subjugating existence compared to which my bad habits are perfectly average and harmless. Discipline is pain, discomfort, and doing things you don't like.. so it would follow that the more discomfort and unpleasant duties in your life, the more disciplined you are and the more self-respect you deserve. And for some reason all of this infuriates me to a violent extent.

I'm probably going to end up getting snacks after this, because I'm a fat, undisciplined piece of trash and that's what I usually do when I'm upset somehow, even though I'm going to hate myself for it after. Because.

[continuosly blue]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

I'm probably going to end up getting snacks after this, because I'm a fat, undisciplined piece of trash and that's what I usually do when I'm upset somehow, even though I'm going to hate myself for it after. Because.

This is the only part of your post I wanted to comment on because I think it pretty much sums up everything about you.

Your at war with yourself. Why ? Because society itself is a contradiction.
Where is this war your fighting coming from ? Societies contradictions or from inside yourself ? Why do you disparage yourself because you are overweight ? Because society says it's not healthy for you or because you can't get into that dress you'd love to wear ?

You say you are a "fat undisciplined piece of trash ". That is a self esteem issue. You can either accept the way you are and be more happy with yourself , or subject yourself to the discipline needed to reach a certain goal.

Where does this mysterious discipline come from anyway ? Is it a learned response ? Is it an innate part of our personality ?

People who want to make money off your misery are the ones that bombard you with all the mixed signals that have jammed up your brain right now.
You live in a world where they try to make everything easier for you but on the other hand much harder.

If you were to living in a different country or society from ours you probably wouldn't have this excruciating pain of having to choose. You would automatically get very thin from starvation. Circumstances and probabilities.
What a great role they play in our lives.

Anyway stop beating yourself up over this and just live your life. If you are hurting anyone it's only yourself. When and if you ever want to change , you will.

BTW: Even if you can get the discipline needed to end you inner quarrel you probably will wind up with a different reason to beat yourself up as most people with mental illness seem to do. Just an observation.

Best to you

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by continuosly blue

This is the only part of your post I wanted to comment on because I think it pretty much sums up everything about you.

Your at war with yourself. Why ? Because society itself is a contradiction.
Where is this war your fighting coming from ? Societies contradictions or from inside yourself ? Why do you disparage yourself because you are overweight ? Because society says it's not healthy for you or because you can't get into that dress you'd love to wear ?

You say you are a "fat undisciplined piece of trash ". That is a self esteem issue. You can either accept the way you are and be more happy with yourself , or subject yourself to the discipline needed to reach a certain goal.

Where does this mysterious discipline come from anyway ? Is it a learned response ? Is it an innate part of our personality ?

People who want to make money off your misery are the ones that bombard you with all the mixed signals that have jammed up your brain right now.
You live in a world where they try to make everything easier for you but on the other hand much harder.

If you were to living in a different country or society from ours you probably wouldn't have this excruciating pain of having to choose. You would automatically get very thin from starvation. Circumstances and probabilities.
What a great role they play in our lives.

Anyway stop beating yourself up over this and just live your life. If you are hurting anyone it's only yourself. When and if you ever want to change , you will.

BTW: Even if you can get the discipline needed to end you inner quarrel you probably will wind up with a different reason to beat yourself up as most people with mental illness seem to do. Just an observation.

Best to you

Well, that one defining quote is a perfect example of the mindset I get into when I'm in this state. A lot of weirdly good things happened after I wrote this post, but I'd like to respond to you.

I compare myself. A lot. So I'm easily unnerved by people's bragging about how they turned themselves around, how this one is vegan and that one never touches anything processed ever and all of them work out for an hour at 6am everyday while maintaining regular lives and I'm just sitting here thinking...wow I'm a failure at life.

Just a little while ago some old comments from a discussion thread about weight and health popped into my head: a former fat person saying how the greed, gluttony, and lack of self-control make overweight a moral issue and those who overeat waste resources with their habits. Yes, that terrified me, had me wondering if I should starve myself as penance for all the waste if committed. Except I don't have the discipline to do that.

As to where it comes from, I wonder the same thing.

Now I mentioned food being my biggest discipline issue: I stop and buy snacks almost every day, and I eatsweets with such a frequency it'so often in place of real food. One thing I did a couple hours ago is list reasons why I want to break this habit and one of the biggest was simply, I feel better, physically, when I eat well. Frame it as being disciplined and I'll stress myself out. Frame it as self care and it's about easier.

But I came close to letting myself be emotionally set off, and it's always matters of health that do this to me.

[panda165]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

If the title sounds funny, it's only partially so, and is such to keep my own feelings at bay.

I'm just in from researching more about self-discipline after reading something about how poor impulse control is the reason many people are poor. I have no impulse control or discipline myself, and I know what a toll this takes financially, in addition to constant regret.

Yet I can feel the rage building as I read article after article of techniques to strip any pleasure or enjoyment from my life, or to become a robotic workaholic for no reason other than self-respect. I can never see discipline as anything but black-and-white.

My single biggest problem is food and compulsive eating. This is the main reason I'm often broke, am overweight, and am simply a terrible person. Well, one article mentioned a quote about how self-respect comes from the ability to say no to yourself, so the answer is obvious: to gain discipline, I must starve myself. Or else adopt an extremely strict diet and set up a system of punishments to violating said diet. And then maintain it for the rest of my life.

I don't exercise either. So naturally, I should subject myself to be most painful, brutal daily workout routine I can devise, and if I get injured, well I deserved it.

I don't have much work to do and I'm always procrastinating when I do. Articles talk about routinizing your life to get more done, except I don't have anything to get done. So I need things to fill in time so I can always be working. Even if I don't want to and don't care, because that's what being disciplined is, what not being a worthless piece of trash is. It means always doing things you hate and living joylessly for...some reason.

All these articles insist that it's a matter of payoff. I generally don't see much of a payoff to a life of self-denial and discipline other than not hating myself, but clearly, I don't even want self-respect enough. The only other motivator is money, as I tend to feel guilty any time I spend on almost anything, and avoiding that feeling has actually worked as a deterrent. But only for a while. But then again, isn't self-respect a worthy payoff by itself, and if it requires pulled muscles, starvation, and forced focus on inauthentic goals, isn't that the price people like me have to pay, especially if it's true that self-respect comes from a disciplined life?

I'm going somewhere with this. I have bad habits I'd like to change, but I can't see non-extreme ways to do it. Or the non-extreme ways feel like not enough. Discipline, to me, innately implies strictness, punishment, and frequent, if not constant denial. "Being disciplined" necessitates a joyless, dutiful, self-subjugating existence compared to which my bad habits are perfectly average and harmless. Discipline is pain, discomfort, and doing things you don't like.. so it would follow that the more discomfort and unpleasant duties in your life, the more disciplined you are and the more self-respect you deserve. And for some reason all of this infuriates me to a violent extent.

I'm probably going to end up getting snacks after this, because I'm a fat, undisciplined piece of trash and that's what I usually do when I'm upset somehow, even though I'm going to hate myself for it after. Because.

Hi, I think I understand what you are dealing with, but I may have interpret it in another way.

I too feel like I need to discipline myself to make my life better or seen as a worthy person towards society or else I'll just be left behind. But even though I want to or need to start "disciplining" myself so I could be happier or get my life back, and have people stop judging me for who I am, I just can't bring myself to enjoy it. Having to work hard and fit in, and to be normal;successful that it's just so tiring. I want to change myself. I really do but just can't bring myself to enjoy the discipline of change and hard work; I don't see the point. Everything I do always goes in this cycle. I try to work hard, think of it being pointless , and stop and go back to my bad habits of doing things that make me " happy", the I start to regret. I am also overweight and I really hate how I look but can't bring myself to change anything. And the further my life goes by the heavier the habits become and hard to break. I can't even remember when I was truly happy or being me because everything I do is done to make my mind happy and comfortable. So I eat all the time, sit, and sleep and repeat. And I get so frustrated at myself but at the same time I give up because that what I do. When things get tough I give up because certainly someone else can do it better than I can and I hate being wrong or last place. So when I start doing things, I start to think. Thinking why I'm so useless and that no matter what I do I can't seem to please anyone let alone myself. My life is just going past so fast with me always living in the self-hate and regret. Even now I'm struggling to finish my course and just don't want t do this anymore.