Constantly scared of commitment, constantly scared of love

Hello,

I'm unsure where to put this thread. I'd say this might be more of a relationship issue, but I'm not in a relationship. I've only been on one date with this person.

Here I go anyway: I have a habit of shunning wholesome love and affection. I'm attracted to the ones who are bad for me (ones that cause me to feel negative and hurtful emotions) and not feeling anything for the ones who are good for me (wholesome, charming, lovely people).

I am not attached to my family. We are a "broken unit," per se. Legally connected to one another, but not emotionally connected.

I recently went on a date with someone, and he's a charmer. He's *awesome*. But I'm feeling a lot! of anxiety right now too. I tend to date people who are "below" me in terms of education, social class, and manners(especially manners!!!) because I throw myself under the bus a lot. I feel worthless so often, and my standards for dating people are just so noticeably low (and I don't mean to sound snobby). The people I've dated (up until this recent date) were ***overwhelmingly*** toxic. I feel this toxicity with my romantic relationships/dating mirrors my family life. Toxic!

I'm worried that I'm used to this general toxicity enough to the point where I shun people I should give a good, fighting chance to--like this current fellow. This is where the habit/habit-changing part comes in.

I'm so tired of trying to date people who only hurt me and feeling less for the people who can help me and whom I can help too. What I mean is, I subconsciously and overwhelmingly support my toxic relationships and partners, but I don't let the healthy ones survive.

Again, I'd put this in the relationship section, but I think this is more of a habitual issue. I've made so much progress with feeling better and living with with my MDD and GAD on the daily. Yet, I think I'm really undervaluing my self-worth, and I've been consistently doing so for just about...forever. I want to like this person more than I currently do. I'm just so scared of welcoming a positive change and giving him a chance...

I'm going to talk to my T about this, but I can't hold these feelings in anymore. I really just need to post this to put some more value to how I'm feeling right now.

Thanks y'all. Take care.

How did the session with your T go, as far as discussing this desire to break free from the habit of putting yourself into a toxic cycle and closing off to taking a step in a different direction with romantic partners?

Hello. Well, things took a dip south. I have to talk with my T a bit more in depth about how I currently feel right now... Long story short is that this relationship ended up being toxic for me as well, and it is now over.