[TishaBuv]

I got my husband to agree to go with me to talk to a religious leader to help us with our marital problem (the source of my extreme unhappiness).

I doubt any good will come of it, tbh. He’ll probably just tell us to go see yet another therapist again.

Also, I’m only embarrassing myself now that he should know about this personal, intimate issue. I won’t want to be around any more, once I feel shamed.

Now I’m apprehensive about talking to him and question my idea.

Any insight from anyone will be helpful. Thanks.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I got my husband to agree to go with me to talk to a religious leader to help us with our marital problem (the source of my extreme unhappiness).

I doubt any good will come of it, tbh. He’ll probably just tell us to go see yet another therapist again.

Also, I’m only embarrassing myself now that he should know about this personal, intimate issue. I won’t want to be around any more, once I feel shamed.

Now I’m apprehensive about talking to him and question my idea.

Any insight from anyone will be helpful. Thanks.

I feel like I am not that insightful but will give you my POV because I want to be supportive. I do know how deep this struggle is for you.

I have mostly felt like it is my duty to satisfy/meet my H's needs and sometimes I do this even when I am not in the mood. When I do this out of love/because I want to make him happy (even if I am not feeling it with abandon)--he appreciates this--this is a loving act. From my POV, our husbands should do this for us.

My husband has been good about trying to satisfy me whenever I need it and it is practical. I complain about him sometimes but he gets a lot of brownie points for this and because he is willing to do this, I am willing to do this for him. When I take my full medications, it is harder for me to fully enjoy it. When I talked to my H about this, he said he took it as a challenge and just works longer/harder. Also, I sometimes cut back on my meds (my psychiatrist knows) to make it better but then know when I have to go back to them because of my anxiety struggles. That we are talking about this issue has made us closer/improved our emotional intimacy.

If your husband is not trying to meet your needs then I commend you for not giving up. I hope my assumption about what the needs are is correct. Also, if he is always focussed on his phone, etc. then he needs to take time (if only just one hour) everyday to put it away and be fully present with you. Otherwise, of course you are not happy.

[TishaBuv]

The root of our issue is sexual incompatibility and not truly loving and valuing each other. It’s really that simple. This marriage was sexual and emotional abuse by his neglect and deaf ears to my very loudly and clearly spoken needs.

Then there is this feeling of the element of ‘slut shaming’ me for being a woman who is dissatisfied with the lack of and horrible dysfunctional sex. Perhaps no one really ever shamed me, but this is only my perception and fear?

It’s so awful, I can’t bear to talk about it!

The bottom line is I am having poor quality of life.

I’m thinking the clergy will suggest we get closer to the Bible, thus occupying us with other things, rather than focusing on each other and our dysfunction? Maybe that will help. But I’m willing to take bets my husband will not change his ways for God, just as he will not change for me.

[TishaBuv]

As you know, we were nearly divorced, had the court date set. Since stopping that process and trying again, he sure has majorly disappointed me with the same exact behavior.

[Omers]

I had a priest who was amazingly helpful to me in the start of my journey. I was deathly afraid of men but wanted to be able to participate without worrying all the time about him. Without him I don’t know where I would be. Personally when it came up (years later when I got married) I didn’t feel odd talking to him about being able to be intimate with my husband and he did not find it awkward either. I know of a few other pastors who were also amaizing T’s. So I guess it mostly depends on your comfort level.

[prb32]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

The root of our issue is sexual incompatibility and not truly loving and valuing each other. It’s really that simple. This marriage was sexual and emotional abuse by his neglect and deaf ears to my very loudly and clearly spoken needs.

Then there is this feeling of the element of ‘slut shaming’ me for being a woman who is dissatisfied with the lack of and horrible dysfunctional sex. Perhaps no one really ever shamed me, but this is only my perception and fear?

It’s so awful, I can’t bear to talk about it!

The bottom line is I am having poor quality of life.

I’m thinking the clergy will suggest we get closer to the Bible, thus occupying us with other things, rather than focusing on each other and our dysfunction? Maybe that will help. But I’m willing to take bets my husband will not change his ways for God, just as he will not change for me.

Hi there. I'm very sorry for the stress and strain that has been put on your life. Have you considered going to a counselor who is certified but also faith based? Pastors and clergymen can have good insight on the bible, but it sounds like you might need someone who also has a clinical counseling background.

Also, are you saying you were abused in this marriage? Or are you expressing the neglect you are facing in your marriage? If you are in an abusive perspective I would encourage you to seek help and get out. This even aligns with a biblical perspective due to abuse/

[sarahsweets]

I think you should see a professional- not a clergyman.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by prb32

Hi there. I'm very sorry for the stress and strain that has been put on your life. Have you considered going to a counselor who is certified but also faith based? Pastors and clergymen can have good insight on the bible, but it sounds like you might need someone who also has a clinical counseling background.

Also, are you saying you were abused in this marriage? Or are you expressing the neglect you are facing in your marriage? If you are in an abusive perspective I would encourage you to seek help and get out. This even aligns with a biblical perspective due to abuse/

I’d say my husband took neglect to the point of abuse. This is a struggle for control. Ultimately, he continues to not give me what I want. When faced with ending the relationship and moving on, I give in to accepting I don’t matter. I accept my shame and punishment. I go to take him back. He always wants me to take him back.

Before, he’d promise he’d change to give me what I need. But, he never makes good. Now, it’s that I should just accept him as he is; a guy who makes me miserable and won’t put me first over anything in any way ever.

Nope, I’m dirt and I have to quietly accept it and go make a sandwich.

I keep talking like this to myself. I keep feeling too weak and so unimportant, I may as well just slink away....

You deserve compliments and attention. You do matter -- your rational brain knows it but it seems like you do not "feel" that way consistently. Does he say he wants to stay married because of love? Why does he want you to stay? Why does he say he needs you? You threw him out, but how far have you really gone towards filing the divorce? Are you trying to force him to show he cares hoping he proves his love--desperate to be loved? Or do you now have contempt for him? Is this about hating yourself or hating him?

This is a case where if your H loves you, he might need to let you go. If he lets you go but you stayed friends then it would be proof that he really loves you.

[TishaBuv]

Right after meeting with the clergy, my h continued to do his thing that neglects me. Then he chose his ‘friends’ over me by going out to dinner with them anyway, even though one of the ‘friends’ was such a POS to me over something. The true offense from the ‘friend’ was to my husband. It was his good friend who treated his wife like a POS. But my husband insisted on meeting them for dinner. So I refused to go. Maybe he doesn’t respect himself or me, but I won’t sit there with that POS. Knowing this is how I felt, husband went anyway.

I’m Rodney Dangerfield here. No respect!

[daz1056]

You do matter, you must remember that. It sounds like you may have a decision to make soon, you can't can't go on like this forever. I have a book recommendation that might help you communicate batter; Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition by Kerry Patterson , Joseph Grenny. It's a brillient book that might may help you to get him to understand your needs better.