A few Measly Steps a Day

The Zoom meeting I mentioned was cancelled, and all the other items on my list were accomplished. (Except for a few cards.) A big deal for me since I was slipping into that state of thinking about what I want to do and actually doing nothing. A
A friend emailed me this quote:

It was about a Native American youth who was just entering into puberty. Being male the rush of testosterone, the weirdest drug of all, he went to his grandfather and explained that there were two wolves fighting within him. One was vicious, cruel, manipulative, without a sense of right or wrong, and was a liar and a coward when confronted. The other considered others, tried to make peace and avoid conflict and would only fight when cornered. The grandson complained that they were at war constantly. “Who do you think will win grandpa?” The old man patted his head and replied: “It will be the one that you feed.”

I think this quote works for all habits. The side that wins is the one you feed.

I'm going to change the quote just a bit. The first wolf is lazy, dreams about all the great things he/she will accomplish but not just now. Maybe after the sitcom is over and he/she has played just one more game of solitaire, etc., and then depression sets in and more TV, etc. The second wolf knows what he/she wants to get done, and sets about doing it. For me, the measly steps feed the active wolf. The thing to realize is that the wolf needs to be fed every day, not just once.

I had heard the wolf story before, but never saw how it applied to me. Your interpretation is spot on for me. My family always said i was lazy, but they also never gave me credit for what i did. I expended a lot of energy there, trying to balance things out. Now that i dont have them to deal with anymore, i can start to enjoy the fruits of active wolf's labors.

Thanks for your kind words. I am not sure so far as to what I could post here for the thread but it would be nice if I could. Talking sometimes actually helps me too, when it's done at the right time or something. The other two don't help



I had "friends"...... they would always leave though when I had a hard situation, it happened twice that I had a hard situation like that and for the second one, I just had enough of that and didn't want to talk to them again because of that

And yes, my mother is like that. But that's totally OK. She doesn't actually say "get over it", but the rest fits. But yeah it's OK, I'm glad she cares and tries to help as much as she can.


I'm not looking for anyone to magically fix anything for me



I already have remote work. My issue is not that. But as I described it already, I won't repeat myself. I don't want to be too much of a bother either with repeating myself



Some of it helped!





...

I don't want to add a new post for this, responding to your other one too


Ah cool story. I heard about the wolves before in the form of evil vs nice wolf... My bad wolf seems like my feeling bad about everything, about myself (subconsciously because I avoid it really hard), good wolf is the one that has vitality and positive energy instead and ...well I don't know how good wolf heals the injuries but that too.

Thank you too for the kind words & the links too of course. I can't do online groups if they use voice (I forgot to say that it needs to be all in writing, not voice) so I skipped that one (looked briefly). I looked at the WRAP page, I find this interesting:

"When Things are Breaking Down – List signs that let you know you are feeling much worse, like feeling sad all the time, or are hearing voices. Using your Wellness Toolbox, develop a powerful action plan to help you feel better as quickly as possible and prevent an even more difficult time.

Crisis Plan – Identify signs that let others know they need to take over responsibility for your care and decision making. Outline a plan for who you want to take over and support you through this time, healthcare, staying home, things others can do to help and things they might choose to do that would not be helpful. This kind of proactive advanced planning keeps you in control even when it seems like things are out of control. Visit the WRAP Info Center’s Crisis Planning Page."

This seems like, I have a crisis almost every day, after I get up in the morning, I start breaking down and into the crisis, or maybe the same crisis continues in the morning, after the previous day (if I'm lucky, then by the end of the previous day I was a bit better, if not then not).

I am not sure what I do with that if that's true....or if it's even realistic to want to take steps to do things if this is true. I don't know, is this making sense to you?

(I am going to read up on this WRAP stuff more, this is just what I looked at so far. I will be very interested in figuring out how to stop breaking down too much, yet not avoid and ignore my bad emotions because too much distraction and numbness is no good either....)

(Also: the below part is just me thinking out loud trying to figure out this steps thing. If I can feel like people are listening or reading it helps me think out loud, when I cannot think and figure out anything otherwise. But if this is too long or too negative for the thread...just tell me please)

I was thinking again that it would be nice if I could get as far as taking the step of telling my mother to ask me again if I'm going to try and work. I actually got as far lately as discussing with her to ask me to see if that helps me get out of my head where I fall so deep down, but when we tried it didn't help. ... So I tried this instead, I told her I was going to tell her when I'm starting and she can ask 1 hour later how well I managed to work. This was going to be my goal yesterday (it is past midnight now). But I fell too deep in my head and never got as far as telling her that "I'm starting now"... oh being deep in my head often just means I find some distraction from the horrible feelings but in the last few days I was working hard on NOT doing any distraction - it's been horrible and I could not do anything beyond trying to survive the horrible state. Maybe that is an actual step taken though. It did help when I got on this site and talked to people on the chat room (the chat room for emotional talk). After that no more of the horrible state for about one day or so. But I fell into it again yesterday (Sunday). I mean, yesterday I again did not do distraction, and was not feeling THAT extremely horrible like when I got on the chat here on Friday, but it was still very bad. So I was too deep in my head and couldn't get as far as telling my mother the above. I wanted to tell her at 5:30pm but then I just felt horrible and felt I was falling deeper and deeper in my head so I didn't tell her. When she went out at 6:30pm, I did work 11 minutes after that because I realised I was feeling even worse not having done anything/not having told her that I'm starting/and not having started. Somehow I had the energy to want to feel better. So I did work a little, I told myself it only has to be a little. That is something I only recently was able to accept. That I can maybe only do a little at a time without feeling too bad or drained from it. That did help me feel a little better!!, then I took a little rest and wanted to reward myself, but then I again had a bad moment coming up instead of fully enjoying myself, it was a really bad moment and it left me really tense and uneasy, so I again quit trying to start on work. Then I had dinner and finished a nice book, and relaxed slowly from the uneasiness. A couple hours later I tried to start again on work but I just fell really deep and then tried to get through that and I finally got good enough to get up and check this forum and post here. (I have to feel good enough to be able to come here)

So that is how the day went. I did also go and train (jog 15 minutes), that was a good part of the day. And I did get up early after a normal night's sleep. The day before was more of a success though, I travelled to another city and actually enjoyed working a little on the train for a change. That was the success part. I also read a book that I enjoyed. Finished the other one last night actually. (It is an improvement for me too, being able to read again & enjoy it. I couldn't for years)

I don't know, one thing that makes this really hard for me to create steps and then do the steps is that it's hard to even identify the actually workable steps. I mean, for my emotional or psychological well-being. It is easy to break down the morning routine into steps (steps for dressing up, breakfast etc), but with vague things like emotions, psychological well-being, I have a hard time seeing the steps for that. And then my lack of well-being gets in the way of doing more complex things like work or often gets in the way of simpler things too. (I'll see if WRAP helps with that)

So it's like I had steps in mind like, "start working at 9am (after breakfast)", or if I tried to tone down that step, then it would be "start trying to work at 9am (after breakfast)" or if I tried to tone it down even more (since all that would fail) it would be like "start trying to think of working after whenever I managed to eat breakfast (like, after having a normal night's sleep, getting up in time, dressing up.... or maybe not a full night's sleep, but some start to the day at least)".

I hope that makes sense. Let me know. If you think my issues are too big for me to even consider threads or groups like this one you have here, feel free to let me know about that too. I don't know, I've been doing my remote work for over 3 years by now, I'm just getting burned out because of how chaotic I've been having to do it (i.e. at night, pulling allnighters because I can feel better at night...or in worse cases maybe staying up all night before Icould feel good enough, then I'd start the work in the morning without sleep. Etc. I've burned out over this).

So it's not like I've been completely inactive or passive, but I'd just like a stable life and not continual crisis but a stable day, with a simple daily schedule, sleep at night, breakfast, some work, some rest, lunch, a little training, maybe a little more work, dinner, rest, relaxation, sleep... This would already be great for me now.

I'm coming from, having run races very fast, running a pretty fast marathon too in the past, to wanting to just do jogging 15 minutes, 3 times a week. I do it maybe once a week now, I did it last afternoon actually, but I couldn't for a couple of weeks before yesterday. Or, I used to have a good well-paying business, now I do the part-time remote work that pays way less per the hour. It is okay, I'm not complaining, just saying where I come from. So that is what I mean by, I'd be happy with something simple but stable where I'm able to do this without too much suffering. I am not looking at high ambitions for now.

I am sorry if this got long, I am just trying to figure out if I can even do this now as it is. Does this make sense?

I really really want some interaction or partner or group though where I could do something so I'm not just in my head. So even if I'm feeling worse than maybe most of you do on here, I don't know, I still want to do this part (have&do simple and actual and regularly done steps for goals).

Again, a daily goal now could have been, talk to my mother in the morning after breakfast... but I am having to stay up tonight because I couldn't talk to her last morning/afternoon so I have to stay up now and work a bit. And I couldn't start, I felt too bad. But at least I did no distraction, and writing this post also makes me feel like I am a bit better and can try and do the work now.

Anyway the daily goal is not going to be that for now, or I have to modify it. I will have to get up early to get a phone call done with her help, and then if I can survive without sleeping until the afternoon, I could ask her right after the phone call. And then based on that, do a little work. Then I could allow myself to catch up on the missing sleep, and then ask her again. Yes, I'd be glad if I could do this tomorrow. Assuming of course that I can finish my work fast enough tonight (so that I don't skip too much sleep).

Sorry if this is all over the place. I'm too tired to reorganise it. I need to do that work ASAP and then sleep.



PS: I realise the daily schedule I wrote down...it includes no human interaction, but the relaxation part can include it, except I lost all my IRL friends and I purposefully (and quite gradually...) quit all online talks with the online friends I had, because I knew it was just a distraction, not real relationships. So what is left is maybe spend some time with family members. That's not a lot, it's something though. I can't really talk to them though about the issues, only a little sometimes.

Hi Alive. Please unburden yourself. I'll pick through your thoughts to find the questions and your strengths.

This seems like, I have a crisis almost every day, after I get up in the morning, I start breaking down and into the crisis, or maybe the same crisis continues in the morning, after the previous day (if I'm lucky, then by the end of the previous day I was a bit better, if not then not).

I am not sure what I do with that if that's true....or if it's even realistic to want to take steps to do things if this is true. I don't know, is this making sense to you?

I think I get it. Carry on. …

STEP: I was thinking again that it would be nice if I could get as far as taking the step of telling my mother to ask me again if I'm going to try and work.

I actually got as far lately as discussing with her to ask me to see if that helps me get out of my head where I fall so deep down, but when we tried it didn't help. ... So I tried this instead, I told her I was going to tell her when I'm starting and she can ask 1 hour later how well I managed to work. This was going to be my goal yesterday (it is past midnight now). But I fell too deep in my head and never got as far as telling her that "I'm starting now"... oh being deep in my head often just means I find some distraction from the horrible feelings but in the last few days I was working hard on NOT doing any distraction -

… it's been horrible and I could not do anything beyond trying to survive the horrible state. Maybe that is an actual step taken though.

Yes, a win.

It did help when I got on this site and talked to people on the chat room (the chat room for emotional talk). After that no more of the horrible state for about one day or so.

WHOA. Chats? Why not? This could be a fantastic idea, no? There’s got to be a chat going on somewhere around the clock.

Somehow I had the energy to want to feel better. So I did work a little, I told myself it only has to be a little. That is something I only recently was able to accept. That I can maybe only do a little at a time without feeling too bad or drained from it. That did help me feel a little better!!, …

(I have to feel good enough to be able to come here)

This may related to your thread question. Maybe search out a thread close to this experience.

So that is how the day went. I did also go and train (jog 15 minutes), that was a good part of the day.

STRENGTH: Exercise. Motivation.

I travelled to another city and actually enjoyed working a little on the train for a change. That was the success part. I also read a book that I enjoyed. Finished the other one last night actually. (It is an improvement for me too, being able to read again & enjoy it. I couldn't for years)

STRENGTH: Returning to Reading.

I don't know, one thing that makes this really hard for me to create steps and then do the steps is that it's hard to even identify the actually workable steps. I mean, for my emotional or psychological well-being. It is easy to break down the morning routine into steps (steps for dressing up, breakfast etc), but with vague things like emotions, psychological well-being, I have a hard time seeing the steps for that. And then my lack of well-being gets in the way of doing more complex things like work or often gets in the way of simpler things too. (I'll see if WRAP helps with that)

You ran a string of GOAL STATEMENTs:

** I'd just like a stable life and not continual crisis but a stable day, with a simple daily schedule, sleep at night, breakfast, some work, some rest, lunch, a little training, maybe a little more work, dinner, rest, relaxation, sleep... This would already be great for me now.

** I'd be happy with something simple but stable where I'm able to do this without too much suffering. I am not looking at high ambitions for now.

** I really really want some interaction or partner or group though where I could do something so I'm not just in my head.

I'm sensing YOU. Send us a small set of goals, whenever.
Revu2

Alive, I think the steps you took were very good, and I think they will give you the energy to do some more steps. Please appreciate that what you did was very good. You wrote, "Somehow I had the energy to want to feel better. So I did work a little, I told myself it only has to be a little. That is something I only recently was able to accept. That I can maybe only do a little at a time without feeling too bad or drained from it. That did help me feel a little better!!," I think that's true and important.

Please know that your post helped me. It made me feel hopeful.

You also said you used to run very fast and that you ran a marathon. I am very impressed. You think jogging for fifteen minutes is not much, but I can jog for maybe four or five steps - maybe ten seconds. So what you think is a small step is something that is too hard for me to do at all. At my best I can walk a mile.

Alive, you are taking steps - your remote work, talking. Everything counts. So please notice all these things and appreciate them.

Thanks so much for your kind words, of both of you. I'm glad it's OK that I talked about that stuff here.

Not sure how often the chat is active on this site, it happened to be when I got online to look a few days ago and yeah it helped. It would def be a good idea to have more chats like this. I think there is actually 7cups too, I tried that before, though it would be nice if they had more rooms (so it'd feel less chaotic to me lol. At least when I went there there were a lot of people in the chat room so it all went very fast)

Thanks for the idea about looking for a thread, but I'm not sure what you meant, what kind of thread?

And yes I do have motivation when I'm doing ok. Today was actually not bad... I did another jog and so maybe it'll be finally regular training this time, if I don't get sick. I did do a little work afterwards, about two-thirds of the plan so that was ok actually. It was an okayish day yeah, I somehow tried to not feel too much, neither up nor down, I felt like I'd be content with not feeling a lot, and just doing the things I wanted to do. I thought, if I'm doing good with this basic daily routine established then I can be ok with more emotions again (I mean just the normal up/down of life stuff) and more complex things too. Until then I don't have to worry about that part. That sortof worked out.

What didn't work today was, I did ask my mother to remind me if I want to do anything after breakfast... but she forgot and I got too deep in my head for a while. I got lucky that I did get to a good enough state to do my training in the early evening. And probably that's why I managed to do the work too afterwards.

So you asked me if I was up for sending a small set of goals... well that, that I would get out of my head sooner than early evening Find a way so that my mother can help me there. My problem with setting this goal and many others is what I'm slowed down and can't think of ideas. But I think I'm learning that it just takes longer to think of ideas

If that made sense.

So to summarise.... find help to be able to get out of my head in the morning. Do some work that way every day (except weekends maybe). Do the 15-min jogs every 2nd day for now. I'd be already VERY happy with just this!!

Thanks...yes I'm trying to appreciate it lol, appreciate the little I mean. What seemed little before. I'm not sure why it was so hard before to accept/appreciate that. But your words do help there!

That's really cool if I was able to help you too

Hi Alive,

When you locate the right topic or forum all the people there already "get" what you're going through and reading over their messages has a lot of insight and support and help in itself.

I'm no clinician, so I'm reaching to suggest these forums as examples of what I mean. The real one for you might be in this list or waiting for your search.

Forum: https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

One Thread: https://psychcentralforums.com/copin...ct#post6992320

Forum: Depression. https://psychcentralforums.com/depression/

Another thread: https://psychcentralforums.com/depre...highlight=head

Keep talking to us, whatever you do.
R

I don't know if you read my titles. I write a new one every post to keep my headlines writing skills in play.

Had a Sony boombox that played CD and tapes when it wanted to, now when I did. So, researched several brands and all of them have issues with the durability of their cd player components.

Got me to refine what I did want: remote for the radio so I can scan w/o leaving my seat, a working CD. Decent sound. Turns out, we already had that in a bluetooth speaker that connects to my Ipod (remotely), and a Sony discman that does work well.

Wrapped up the Sony and moved the other gear from our office where its not being used much to the living room. Plugged everything in, and it's great.

Put the Sony boombox on freecycle, and already have 4 responders.

Less is sometimes best. The phrase "less is more" drives me batty, cuz it ain't. Might be fewer, though.
R

Hey again. Oh yes I know what you mean...I only ever saw one place like that before. (But that was about a different issue) That was like some really strange and new experience to me LOL

Thanks extra for the examples. Yeah an accountability partner, that would be good. I used to want to work on it together with my best friend at the time, because we both were having issues.... That def would have been such a mood & motivation & energy booster but eh. Not looking back to the past. So yeah I've never had an accountability partner but it sounds just like what would work for me at this point. I don't need it to be a good friend anymore really...like I used to want that. I used to want to work like that with someone who's experienced the same isolation issues. The best friend back then did have the same issue. Thinking out loud, it's true it would be ideal if it's someone who's recovering and at a similar phase I am at. Whether they had isolation before or not, but it would obviously be better if they did experience it too.

I do know this guy who's had it, but he's still not at the phase where he would want to do work. So we can't really be accountability partners, though at least he's at least got as far now as, fixing his sleep schedule & doing volunteering in something he likes (online). But I was at that years ago (fixing my sleep). The volunteering he does, I did that too before (also online). I know a girl too, who's had the same issue with isolation, yeah, but again I don't think we are at the same point. Neither of them are even willing to go seek external help or take the idea seriously that they can't solve it all alone. It's so hard to try and work with them that way. I can just hope they will get there one day... It's too bad, they are all a similar age as me, including former best friend. Why we couldn't make a group or something, I don't even know. It could even have been IRL as we all live in the SAME city.

Anyway that aside... I can't make a goal about that one (as it wouldn't just depend on me, right?). So other goals.

I didn't really have a chance today to do the work like I planned to for most days (if I can get out of my head in the morning), I will from Friday. Today and tomorrow it's me going out to sort out a few things. I usually don't have to go out. Well good news for today is I did sort out most things I wanted to but really tired now. I have got so unused to going out since the summer (this summer was very good, I actually had energy there like I hadn't for years). I still have to do at least a little work (didn't get a chance until now), or I won't feel good, lol. Also, if I can keep doing the training tomorrow that'll be really good news. Especially if I can for more than 2 weeks without either getting sick or getting a mood problem.

So my goals for this evening & tomorrow are:
- This evening: do at least as much work as yesterday evening. (That was about 40 minutes. 38 minutes to be exact.)
- Tomorrow: I do have to do a little work in the morning (about an hour, or 1.5 hours, easy enough too), then going out to the appointment with the psychiatrist, etc (other errands that piled up). Then the 15 mins jog in the afternoon. Then some more work late afternoon or in the early evening...Evenings are easier for me.

If I can get all this done that will already be a particularly good day. I do have them sometimes, but the goal is, you see, have a string of them, not just 1-2 good days lol.
Wish me luck yeah.



PS. Oh you asked in your other post if we read your titles. I for one do

Alive, you're right about the string of good days. The good days make you strong. Feeling strong gives you more good days. I wish you well. Also please know that people don't post every day. I was out of town and didn't post for a bit. But Revue and I do post quite often. It's probably the same in the chat.

I'm going to write for a 30 minutes now - a step of my own. Then tomorrow I have to make two phone calls, work on my writing, and be at part of a zoom meeting.

Good wishes to all of us.

Thanks again. Yeah, I figured you two post the most here. Good luck with your writing (you probably already finished it by the time you'll see my post).

As for the string of good days...Yeah what you say, that is what I hope for. It would be a really big step forward for me because in recent years I would only have a good day for 1-2 days before losing that somehow. I only had a longer string of the good days once, and that was this summer because of a project I embarked on. Then the project ended as it was just a temporary one, and I was pulled back by the past again and I felt worse than ever (as a contrast). So the challenge is to be able to do that string of good days without having to have some big great project like in the summer lol. Though that was also already a step forward as I couldn't even have done that project before this year.



EDIT: Oh yeah and I almost forgot. So I did the work last night (not *too* late, my sleep schedule was just about salvageable), and I ended up doing more than 3 hours. That meant that this morning I sent in the finished job early, not last minute, LOL. That was nice, as that happens so rarely lol. & Did the errands today having gone out, back now, going to go and do that training soon, the 15mins jog. Not sick yet, that's also good so far..... (I do have that risk since my illness last winter, sadly)

Congratulations, Alive. I hope you keep going.

Me - I made one of my two phone calls, did a little exercising, and wrote a lot - a couple of hours.. So mostly a good day.

For many years I've volunteered to be the recycling, food waste, and garbage lead in my condo. The past several months have been incredibly frustrating as the same "problems" keep returning. Someone among our dozen units is too care-less to even follow the easy rules or guidelines the City needs us to follow.

I've pleaded via email and attaching notes on every door. I've submitted photo scenes from the misdeeds. And yet it's like yelling to the ocean. What does the ocean care. It'll do what it pleases.

So, today I exercised my Other IQ: I Quit. Sent a note to the owners a moment ago. Last day will be the annual meeting scheduled for March something.

Can hardly wait.
That's my todo and my DONE.
R

Thanks. Glad you had a good day. Hope your next day will be good too (and same for Revu). I had a bad one, I knew yesterday evening after the 15-min jog that I was tired. I did do a little work but I was tired and sleepy by then. Still that went surprisingly well. But that was yesterday. Next training session is on Sunday (3 times a week), I got some pills for someone from a shop (they quarantined themselves), I spent several hours on arranging something that should normally take 30 mins, as I was feeling a bit low already. Also, I should've worked some today, but I am not sure if it's a good idea to try and commit to doing it this evening. Maybe I'll just go to bed really early. I wanted to get a lot more done tomorrow for work, and I think I still want to, I'm just really low right now, the past nightmares coming back but maybe not pulling me in as deep as before.

Sorry to hear this. So it wasn't a totally good day for you either but it was at least some relief too, I hope.

I walked a bit and wrote a lot.

Bummed yesterday. Two of my friends have families where everyone got COVID. The place where my mother-in-law is staying has cases of COVID, and they've worked so hard to be safe. And I'll probably be alone for Christmas.

Cheered up today. It's a beautiful day, and I have some great ideas for writing. So far my mother-in-law is okay, and the vaccine is available. So there's a lot of sadness but also things to be hopeful about. I'll write and work in my garden, and be happy for the good things.

Hello World. Yeah, "on" & "off" days find their own rhythm. De, hang in there with your peeps, though you'll need to keep your distance.

Played some online bridge Friday and it lifted my mood. Still quitting this vol. gig at the condo.

Alive, have you tried Moodscope? Here's the info:
What is Moodscope?

Quote:

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. If you’d like to receive these daily posts by email, just sign up to Moodscope now, completely free of charge. Moodscope is an innovative way for people to treat their own low mood problems using an engaging online tool. Anyone in the world can accurately assess and track daily mood scores over a period of time. We have proved that the very act of measuring, tracking and sharing mood can actually lift it.

How it works.

When I was digging out of my depression/grief, I found it helped. I just took their quick 20 question daily test again. After 2560 days from the last one. They have a way to buddy with a friend to deliver you results to. When you find your accountable partner, that might be one of your trades.

Loved their daily blogs & comments section. Quirky, thoughtful, intelligent.

Take a looksee.
R