[neutrino]

I'm not sure why it happened. I was feeling really low last night and all of a sudden I the thought "I wonder what it'd be like to cut myself" popped into my head. When I'm really low or very anxious (I suffer from both clinical depression as well as several anxiety disorders and I'm also diagnosed with autism) I sometimes think about hurting myself to punish myself but I've never crossed that line until yesterday (well, except for occasionally hitting myself in the head when I get overwhelmed). I had been drinking with a friend a few hours before that so I guess my inhibitions were lowered and when the thought popped into my mind I just got up, went into the kitchen, found a sharp knife and cut myself.

I felt really ashamed right after it happened. Still do. It's about 3:30pm the next day and I've been feeling so ashamed all day. The wound has been stinging all day so it's not like I can forget it's there. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe feeling this way will keep me from engaging in this sort of self-injorious behaviour again. I don't know. At the same time I'm worried it'll be easier to cross the line now that I've already done it once.

Anyway, I wish I had someone to talk to about this but don't feel like I do (well, there are people I could tell but I don't dare to) so I thought I'd write about it and post it here. I'm not sure if I have any questions or anything. Guess I'm just looking for support. I hope this post isn't too stupid.

Thanks for reading.

[Bill3]

(((((neutrino)))))

Hugs. Your post is not stupid. The first time I cut, it was a deliberate decision to see if it would lift the emotional pain I was in. That was after years of banging my head, hitting myself, biting etc. I was approaching 25 when I did it.

I'm sorry you're in such pain. You're not alone. If you are on reddit, r/selfharm is a supportive community too.

[Kibou]

Hey, you don't have to feel ashamed about this. Would you blame a friend if they were harming themselves ?

Tbh I tend to hurt myself too, and I know this feeling of self-hate and wanting to punish yourself.. And i know how distressing it is, it breaks my heart to see that you are going through that too
It's not stupid to be open about the issue and seek out for help.. It's actually very brave of you (:

If you want someone to talk to, maybe you can talk to me ? I'll do my best to listen to you and to make you feel understood >-<

anyway, I'm sending you tons of love and wish things will get better for you
*hugs thightly*

[neutrino]

Well, it happened again. Disappointed with myself, though I feel good/relieved about it at the same time (because I feel I deserve to be punished), which is strange. I sort of feel like I should punish myself even more but I won't. Not right now anyway.

[JessLynn]

Originally Posted by neutrino

Well, it happened again. Disappointed with myself, though I feel good/relieved about it at the same time (because I feel I deserve to be punished), which is strange. I sort of feel like I should punish myself even more but I won't. Not right now anyway.

Wow, I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I'm sorry you felt the need to engage in SH again. It's a really slippery slope, once you start and experience that relief it's hard to stop. I cut off and on over the years, seems to happen when my inhibitions are lowered like you said, or when I am in such emotional pain that nothing is helping. I hope you can seek help before this becomes more of a pattern for you

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by JessLynn

Wow, I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I'm sorry you felt the need to engage in SH again. It's a really slippery slope, once you start and experience that relief it's hard to stop. I cut off and on over the years, seems to happen when my inhibitions are lowered like you said, or when I am in such emotional pain that nothing is helping. I hope you can seek help before this becomes more of a pattern for you

Yeah, I don't like how easy it was for me to resort to cutting this time (and I was sober this time) so I can see how it's probably a slippery slope. This time I realised what triggered the whole thing so I guess I need to start working on those things and try to avoid the triggers in the future.

You guys are literally the only ones in the world who know about this. There are only two people I'd like to tell in real life (my psychologist and my best friend) but I can't tell either of them. Still need someone to know about this though so I might keep posting here. We'll see.

[Bill3]

What would be bad about telling your psychologist?

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What would be bad about telling your psychologist?

I'm afraid she'll "dump" me if I tell her about it. Not because she wouldn't be able to handle it but since she specialises in autism I guess I'm worried my self-harm wouldn't be her area of expertise and that she'd therefore refer me to someone else, which would be awful. I'm probably overthinking this but I can't risk it.

[Bill3]

(((((neutrino)))))

That makes sense. How much is she able to help with your depression and anxiety?

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Bill3

How much is she able to help with your depression and anxiety?

A lot. She (along with antidepressants) has saved my life and we're currently working on my self-hatred, which is helpful. She knows I experience thoughts of self-harm (but she doesn't know I've acted on them) so we're working on it. Hoping that'll help. I just don't like that I've actually started harming myself.

[Bill3]

She means an enormous amount to you. No wonder you would not want to lose her. How did she react when she learned that you had thoughts of self-harm?

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Bill3

She means an enormous amount to you. No wonder you would not want to lose her. How did she react when she learned that you had thoughts of self-harm?

Yes, she really means a lot to me and I'm not ready to stop seeing her yet.

When I told her about my thoughts of self-harm she tried to help me understand why I'm having those thoughts. She helped me identify and define the thought process and, like I said, now we're working on my self-hatred since that seems to be the main reason for wanting to hurt myself.

[Bill3]

It sounds like she works openly with you on self-hatred and associated thoughts of self-harm, without judging you in any way.

Also, since you said that she saved your life, I am thinking that she has been open to speaking with you about thoughts of suicide.

She sound like she works willingly, nonjudgmentally, and skillfully with you on all of these topics.

How long have you been seeing her? And how long would you say that you have been discussing thoughts of self-harm with her?

Thanks for being willing to speak with me here.

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Also, since you said that she saved your life, I am thinking that she has been open to speaking with you about thoughts of suicide.

Yes, we've spoken a bit about that and that was difficult but I actually find it even more difficult to tell her that I've cut myself twice now since I've actually acted on the thoughts of self-harm. I haven't acted on my suicidal thoughts. Do you know what I mean?

Originally Posted by Bill3

How long have you been seeing her? And how long would you say that you have been discussing thoughts of self-harm with her?

I've seen her for three years or so. I first mentioned the suicidal thoughts about a year ago and the thoughts of self harm a couple of weeks ago (though we've spoken about my self-hatred much longer).

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thanks for being willing to speak with me here.

Thank you!

[Bill3]

You feel like you crossed a line by actually self-harming and you are not sure that she will want to be with you on the other side of that line. I would guess that it is similar with suicide?: if you were to attempt, you would worry that she would not stay with you then either?

It sounds like you experience a lot of shame, and have for a long time. I'm really sorry for that, and for the pain that it brings you.

I wonder if she is aware of anything that you have done that feels shameful to you. I'm not asking what those things (if any) might be, I am just wondering if she is already aware of you doing something that feels shameful to you. If she is, how did she react when she learned of it/them? How has her knowledge affected you relationship with her (if at all)?

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You feel like you crossed a line by actually self-harming and you are not sure that she will want to be with you on the other side of that line. I would guess that it is similar with suicide?: if you were to attempt, you would worry that she would not stay with you then either?

Correct.

Originally Posted by Bill3

I wonder if she is aware of anything that you have done that feels shameful to you. I'm not asking what those things (if any) might be, I am just wondering if she is already aware of you doing something that feels shameful to you. If she is, how did she react when she learned of it/them? How has her knowledge affected you relationship with her (if at all)?

Well, I can't say I do things that make me feel ashamed, except for cutting that is. I feel ashamed a lot though but that's mostly because I think I suck; I think I'm a lousy person who can't do things the way I "should" be able to (due to autism). My psychologist, however, is convinced I'm a good and smart person and she says I have nothing to be ashamed of so none of that affects our relationship. I know that's probably not what you meant, but still, it's the only example I can think of.

[Bill3]

Mainly your shame relates to who you are, and she continues to work with you knowing who you are and in fact thinking that you are a good person. With cutting, though, the shame that you might feel has to do with what you have done. Not that you never did anything wrong before, but you can’t think of any outright shameful action that you have done (besides, you think, cutting). You aren’t sure how she would respond to this news about you and you don’t want to risk how she might respond: This is new territory for you.

What evidence, based on knowing her for three years, do you have about how she might respond?

Also: what makes cutting feel shameful for you?

You mentioned in your first post that you cut yourself in order to punish yourself...I'm wondering why you are punishing yourself? What do you think you might have done that deserves punishment?

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What evidence, based on knowing her for three years, do you have about how she might respond?

Also: what makes cutting feel shameful for you?

She'd probably be very concerned but I don't think she'd be angry with me or anything.

I think the reason I'm ashamed of the cutting is that I feel like it goes against the "rule" that you're not supposed to hurt yourself. Feels like it's unethical somehow.

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

You mentioned in your first post that you cut yourself in order to punish yourself...I'm wondering why you are punishing yourself? What do you think you might have done that deserves punishment?

It's not really about what I've done but about who I am. I don't like myself. Who I am has made me fail at things I didn't want to fail at. Things like that.

[Erti]

Even people on the autism spectrum self harm... usually it's not cutting but head banging, biting one self, and hitting themselves.

[Erti]

Self-injurious behaviour - NAS

[Bill3]

She'd probably be very concerned but I don't think she'd be angry with me or anything.

My suggestion is to keep in the back of your mind the possibility of telling her. Just an open awareness of this possibility. Your mind will be working on this and you may (or may not) come to see some benefit to taking the risk of telling her.

What about telling your friend? If okay to ask, what is your thinking on that?

I think the reason I'm ashamed of the cutting is that I feel like it goes against the "rule" that you're not supposed to hurt yourself. Feels like it's unethical somehow.

I wonder if this thought of your connects with or arises from autism. As you know, people who have autism are thought to be very interested in rules, structure. Others could have this thought as well, not just those with autism--but even so I am just wondering if you see any particular connection or intensification of a connection there. Maybe you don't!

[neutrino]

Originally Posted by Erti

Even people on the autism spectrum self harm... usually it's not cutting but head banging, biting one self, and hitting themselves.

That's true, though I don't think it's unusual to cut either. Anyway, I occasionally hit myself in the head. It happens very rarely but it does happen and I've done it for a few years. Cutting feels worse to me though. Like a step in the wrong direction. Do you know what I mean?

Originally Posted by Bill3

What about telling your friend? If okay to ask, what is your thinking on that?

I wouldn't mind telling my friend but I'm not going to since he's got bipolar disorder and is going through a really tough time right now. I'm worried about him and I don't want to burden him. I might tell him eventually or I'll just keep it to myself. We'll see.

Originally Posted by Bill3

I wonder if this thought of your connects with or arises from autism. As you know, people who have autism are thought to be very interested in rules, structure. Others could have this thought as well, not just those with autism--but even so I am just wondering if you see any particular connection or intensification of a connection there. Maybe you don't!

Maybe. It's difficult for me to say since I don't know how other people think (both in general and when it comes to adherence to rules). I like rules and structure. They make life bearable and I really dislike breaking them.