It's been a while..may be triggering

jen29 · Jul 21, 2009, 01:20 PM

Hello everyone,
I have been struggling a lot lately. I want to hurt myself so bad. Two days this week already wanting to cut, but know I have to go see the doctor in a few days, so will hold off. But the idea and the feeling of cutting are talking to me. May sound nuts but it's the truth. I have my blades hidden so no one but me can find them. I haven't cut in a few months, due to the fact that it's harder to hide them now because of the summer weather. I thought that I would have stopped by now, but the urge to cut is greater and greater with each passing day.
I don't even know if I am making sense, I don't feel like I am making sense, but am typing what comes out of my head.
I have not been feeling well physically lately and that just adds to the depression. I was diagnosed with diverticulitis yesterday, and my pain is so bad. But the emotional pain is worse than ever, well actually not worse but getting there.
I don't know what to do with myself, because I am in bed most of the day, or just sitting at home, because I have to be close to the bathroom...if you know what I mean.
Thursday i go back to the doc. and see if it's getting better, but don't know if I can hold out that long without doing something mean to myself, like cutting or burning. usually I can talk myself out of it pretty quick because of the way my body looks from the burning and the cutting, but right now I don't care. I don't care if I have all these scars. But I don't want my family to find out. I can't tell them I have started cutting again, because they think I am doing so well.
My T doesn't even know how bad I want to cut, I have mentioned it a few times lately, well, maybe she does know how bad I want to. She wants me to throw away my blades and try and find some other ways to deal with it. I know all the tricks, would just go out and get more. I know the holding ice and the rubberband tricks. I know trying to distract is good for me because sometimes it works, but most of the time my mind won't let me wonder away from the idea of cutting and hurting myself.
I am so sorry if I have triggered anyone. I am also sorry if this doesn't make any sense. My mind is just not focusing on typing this right now, but thought it might help to just talk about it a little.
Well, Thanks for listening.
Jen

Jul 21, 2009, 02:16 PM

Sorry you are struggling so badly but cutting is not the answer and I know how hard it is not to cut because I just got out of the hospital because i wanted to cut so bad and was afraid that i would go too deep so i went to the hospital to stay safe maybe you need to do the same thing it helped me alot If you need to talk pm me and we will set up a time to talk privately Good luck

Lise17 · Jul 21, 2009, 10:05 PM

I am sorry you feel this way!
I can relate, I used to cut for many years and stopped for a few, just recently had a set back and am trying to stop again. It is a constant battle, but one I am sure you can win! Remember you may lose battles but you can win the war

Were here for you !

Christina86 · Jul 21, 2009, 11:21 PM

(((((((Jen))))))))))))

Perhaps telling T, out loud, that you're having a rough time will mean that she's better able to help?

I understand the urge "cycles". It gets harder, easier, harder again... and sometimes can continue for a long time. Until it becomes second nature to NOT self injure but to find other ways to cope. It is really hard though.

Okay, you don't want your family to find out. That's good motivation. If your family actually knows anything about self injury though, they should know that it's not something you're magically "healed" from and can just quit and never have to deal with again. Sad it doesn't work that way, but it's because it IS an addiction.

Doctors appt on Thursday is another good motivation. How about brainstorming other ways to NOT give into the urges? Make yourself promise to not do anything AT LEAST until Thursday. Keep pushing back that deadline, for as long as you can.

We're here for you if you need to rant/chat.

phoenix7 · Jul 22, 2009, 08:20 AM

(((jen29)))))

the pain can get better - Im sorry you are feeling so low - I hope you can let T know how you are really feeling -the true depth of your pain.

I hope you find something that works other than hurting your self - please stay safe