S***ty day...

I just despise myself today. I wanted to just dig my x-acto blade into my skin and watch myself bleed all over, but of course, I just couldn't do that, cuz I'm going home for the weekend tomorrow, and it'll be more scars I have to cover on top of the ones I made earlier this week, and I just wanted to cut and cut and feel pain and bleed, but I just couldn't. God, I'm such a baby. All I've been able to do since I cut earlier this week is run steaming hot water over my cuts so they burn and hurt without leaving scars, but I feel it's not enough, even though I keep doing it. I got out of my dorm room before I did anything permanent; now I'm in the library supposedly working on my assignment, but that still doesnt keep away the urge. I thought I was stronger than this. I'm just weak. I relapse once, the first time in several months, and now I cant let go of it. Weak weak weak weak weak... I need to do it to prove to myself that I'm not weak, that I can take the pain. But then I'm weak for wanting to do it. And I cant talk to anyone about it. They're not supposed to know, but I just want to feel the pain and bleed all over this f****** campus...

Hi PR, do you want to punish yourself?

I don't know. I've cooled off since this afternoon, but now I'm just trying to quell the guilt. I feel better when I just ignore it. Eventually, it'll heal, the scars'll fade, and I'll feel better about it if I can just ignore it long enough.
I feel so stupid. Why did I do it?? why'd I have to start this again?? I was doing just fine, and then I screw up over the dumbest reason. It was just stupid...

Maybe I do. Idk. I think I want to, but I know if I do I'll just start up the cycle again, and it'll take even longer to get over this. But if I don't talk to someone about it then I might have to start up again... I don't want to go through another series of months of this crap. but it looks like I've already started.
I think I should work up the courage to make an appointment at our campus' counseling center, but so far, I've heard nothing good about it. So far, I've heard the guy is an insensitive a**hole and that the interns really suck at their job. I'm not thrilled about it, but I don't have the money to pay for a therapist in the community. I'm wondering if it'll even be worth the effort...

I have huge big scars on my left arm, some that needed stitches but obviously i did not get them due to the stigma of self harm, so now i am left with the scars that everybody stares at. but i have come to a conclusion that i can't hide them anymore and that they show the trauma that i have overcome and been able to deal with in my own way. be proud of who u are and realise that you are not the only person that is struggling and that you are in my thoughts today.

Not weak... just hurting.... safe hugs to you

It is a way for you to cope when you are desperate. You are doing the best that you can I'm sure........

What would you have to lose by checking out the counseling center????

Good point...I think I'm going to try to set up an appointment...
wish me luck...

Good luck and keep us posted!

oh my god... i really don't think i can do this.
and i slipped up again today thinking about it...

What is so scary about the idea???

I don't want them to see how pathetic I am...cuz that's what I am. Pathetic.

but I finally managed to get the appointment set... I'm due tomorrow morning at 10.
I'm kinda relieved I did it, but at the same time, I am NOT thrilled about this... I've never really talked with anyone face to face about this...I don't even know if I'll be able to say it aloud in front of someone else.
And I keep telling myself there's nothing wrong with me and that I don't really need to talk to someone about this, cuz I mean, it's never been a ritualized constant thing, just when I really really need it... I guess I've just been so used to dealing with it myself on my own for almost 3 years now, idk... sometimes I don't feel like I have a real problem, but I guess infrequently or not, normal people don't make gashes in their leg or carve into their hands and arm to feel better...
bleh...again, wish me luck...

How did it go?

i don't know if it helped any. it wasn't nearly as bad as i was anticipating, and i know things like this usually aren't, but i couldn't help but worry about it... still, I don't know if it helped or not. I didn't gain any new insight or anything--I was just told stuff I've already heard before. So I know if I really want to stop, then I'm going to have to make a serious effort to stop. Only problem is, I'm not sure if I really want to. I know I should and I know this isn't really good for me, but I don't know if I want to give it up. When I set up the appointment, I didn't really want to stop cutting then either, but I figured I needed to set up this appointment anyway. I like cutting myself. I mean, yes, I feel guilty about it later, but idk, for some reason I don't want to give it up. Maybe I need the guilt. and the pain. Maybe i deserve it, but I don't know why. Maybe I'm just frustrated at myself for not being able to figure this thing out and I don't have anything else to take it out on, or I just need to take it out on myself so I can wake up a bit--like a refreshing slap in the face, to a greater degree. And I already have scars that won't be gone for a long long while, so what difference would it make if I keep adding to them? I've survived for this long doing it; I feel like it's just part of me now. I don't do it all the time, but when I do, I feel, I guess, almost complete. When I'm just too anxious or stressed--which isn't all the time; only occasionally, and I emphasize OCCASIONALLY--it calms me down, or if I feel like I'm not completely there, it brings me back, if only temporarily. When I have my really bad moments, I could always turn to it. It's not going to ignore me, or patronize me, or get angry at me for wanting to feel. I feel like I'm going to have to do worse to myself in order for me to really want to stop, but I don't really want to do that either. I don't know. I just feel stuck. Like I want to. Or maybe I have to. Or I think maybe I'm just finding excuses to cut--maybe I don't really need it, but I just WANT it. I think there was so much more I could've said to him that would've helped, but I didn't really feel comfortable sharing it all in the first session. Plus, I had just woken up a half hour earlier to get to this appointment, so I wasn't in the most rapidly-thinking mindset--looking back, I realize I left out some things.
At our women's college, we have a Big Sis/Little Sis thing, where a first year is paired with a junior, who acts as said Big sis. My Big used to cut too, and I've told her that I have, and I would think that if I could talk to anyone about it, it would be her. But she already has depression, and I feel selfish adding my problems to her list of problems, and then I feel worse for feeling selfish. It's the same with my mom, who has enough on her plate as well for me to add to it. Maybe my Big seems too much like my mom... she worries like one sometimes and likes to act very maternally. Maybe talking to her about it is too much like talking to my mom, but the counselor wants me to talk to her. Actually, my Big is the one who advised against going to our campus' counseling center bc she said the guy is an insensitive a**hole. But of course, I couldn't tell the counselor that my big thinks he's an a-hole which is why I can't talk to her about it cuz I'd probably end up mentioning him. But more so, I feel like I shouldn't be burdening others with greater problems than mine with my own problems. So I have NO idea what to do now... I think I'm back where I started.

And btw, the guy wasn't exactly the most sensitive I've seen... He had a couple of smart-***** comments to contribute that weren't exactly necessary, but at the time I just kinda shrugged them off... looking back, he definitely seemed like a bit of an a-hole, or at least had the potential to be one... But I don't really have any other options at the moment. :/

You followed through with the appt.! Yah! It seems that you are using the SI to cope now. If you work through the issues that are needing resolution [and which are causing you to need to cope (SI)] then you won't need to cope anymore and won't need the SI. (I hope that made sense!). Maybe if you tell this T more you will have a better session?

I don't know if I'm just imagining this, but he seemed almost bored, like he had better things to do. I just felt uncomfortable, like I was wasting both his and my own time; like I said, I don't know if it even helped any. I don't think I really like the guy. I would MUCH rather find someone else--I'm sure there are much more sensitive people out there--but again, I don't have the money to.
Crap.