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Grand Member
Member Since Mar 2005
Location: Pennsylvania USA
Posts: 767
19 |
Jun 01, 2005 at 09:41 AM
#1
THIS COULD POSSIBLY TRIGGER SO DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU FEEL SAFE PLEASE....
I have been trying to be soooooooo good this week. Taking my new dosage of meds from my med dr and doing what my T said. Like doing some things for me, got my hair colored and went shopping with my daughter...worked in my yard some with hubby and tried to relax and I read some of a book he gave me to read on suicide....did some journaling too...but I still was fighting the suicide feelings.... really STRONG ones too and I was so down and out....but smilling on the outside for everyone else...but...nothing I did would help to make me feel good...NOTHING....I was so upset over not seeing my T on Monday our usual day and I got so worked up on Sunday that I SI-ed really bad....the worse I have ever done.... I went really deep...on my arm and I could see the fat cells deep under my skin....that is when I knew I was in trouble because it did NOT hurt....it was like I was in a trance...it bleed a lot and I thought I would not get it to stop and I finally did.....It is now sore... I have been putting neosporin on it but it is a reminder of how BAD I am now....I HATE myself so much.....I want to SI more to punish myself more....this is an endless endless cycle......ugh...Now I am due to see him tomorrow to make up for not seeing him Monday but now I DONT want to go....I just want to say the H*LL with it all and just stay home.....I HATE when I am like this....just want the voices in my head to shut up and for my mind to settle down.....but it NEVER does.....only sleep but then last night I had a NIGHTMARE and woke up screaming NOT good......UGH......HATE all this CR*P.....well .thanks for letting me vent...and NOT judging me or giving me a lecture.....do not know what I would do if I did not have this place to come to talk and vent....thanks all __________________ "My Therapist always says there is HOPE, so he continues to be my light of HOPE even on my darkest of days" |
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,467
(SuperPoster!)
22 81.4k hugs
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Jun 01, 2005 at 12:58 PM
#2
((((((((((((((((((((Hope))))))))))))))))))))
__________________ 
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Member
Member Since Oct 2003
Posts: 155
21 |
Jun 01, 2005 at 01:32 PM
#3
((((((((((HOPE))))))))))
Please keep your appointment with your t---you really need him/her right now. I hopeo you feel better soon. 
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Legendary
Member Since Jun 2003
Location: noplace
Posts: 10,284
21 132 hugs
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Jun 01, 2005 at 04:19 PM
#4
Why do we struggle so much when we are trying so hard to be good? I wonder if maybe we try too hard sometimes. (((((((((Hope))))))))) You don't need any lectures from us. I bet you're pretty hard on yourself already.
__________________ “We should always pray for help, but we should always listen for inspiration and impression to proceed in ways different from those we may have thought of.” – John H. Groberg 
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Guest
Posts: n/a
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Jun 01, 2005 at 09:48 PM
#5
oh, Hope, i'm so sorry that you feel so bad and down. i wish i could help you more than just listening. PM me anytime you need to. i work monday, wednesday and friday.....stay safe...xoxoxo pat
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Dec 2004
Posts: 3,600
19
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Jun 06, 2005 at 01:47 AM
#6
(((((((((((((((((((((((Hope))))))))))))))))))))))))
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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