[moonrise]

About 2 months ago, I threw away my blades. I was still burning, but not cutting. T made a comment about that, how it's fine I tossed them, but I'm still burning so what's the point. That comment hit me hard. I bought blades that night. What I couldn't verbalized was that not cutting was huge for me, that every time I cut, I thought about cutting my neck, my wrists. For me cutting was walking a fine line between self/injury and suicide. Burning is diffrerent for me, less harmful. Still scars, but it's different. T didn't get that.

Now I'm cutting up a storm. I've even cut on my neck, which T told me not to do. It's shallow, so I'm not in trouble that way. But I hate that I've started, and hate that I can't stop. I did it once. I need to again.

[carrie-19]

((moonrise))
i know where your coming from.its not easy to kick a habit like SI.But your strong youve thrown the blades out once you can do it again (:
your T failed to see that by throwing them out that your fighting against SI and winning.You are making progress.i know its tiring but hang in there.
keep posting on here,its good to vent sometimes ,
carrie xo

[Sannah]

Moon, I'm sorry that your progress wasn't validated ... Do you think that you can tell T how you responded to his comment? Have you been able to get the cutting under better control yet? Can you call your T?

[moonrise]

Thanks, Sannah and Carrie. I did call T two nights ago, which was sort of helpful, sort of not. And at our session earlier this week, I did tell her about her comments, and she said she had made a mistake in not realizing that it WAS indeed, progress, with the throwing of the blades.

I did more cutting last night, but I'm trying to gather my strength to toss the blades again, tonight or tomorrow. Part of me wants to have one last 'go' at it, as disturbing as it sounds. S/i is a coping mechanism, dysfunctional as it may be, and to say goodbye is hard.

Good luck with this.

[Sannah]

Moon, I am so glad that you talked this over with your T!

[moonrise]

I DID it!! Blades are once again gone in a far away garbage can.

[Sannah]

Yah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats, moonrise. How are you doing?

[zooropa]

moonrise, so proud of you for throwing those blades away, I know how hard that is!!!

[puzzclar]

I have to say that your courage to throw them out twice is amazing!!! So proud of your accomplishment. I just hope that more people see this and it works for them. I, like your self moon, did through out what I was using, (and brooke it) and it did help me as well.

Keep up the good work.

[moonrise]

Thanks! I'm pretty happy about it. It coincides with Lent, surprisingly. So it's like I gave it up for Lent (and hopefully forever).

Good for you, moonrise!

How are you doing today?

[moonrise]

I'm doing well. Thanks for asking. Sort of flying high- I'm looking for a job and had 3 interviews, one really promising. I've been tempted to hit myself, but avoided that. My T was happy, but I think she doubts my ability to keep it up long term.

[Sannah]

Hey, good work! Good restraint in not hitting yourself!

[puzzclar]

Let us know if you get the job. And of course How are you today??