Breaking down

It's a topic I would definitely like to stay away from as much as possible, yes.

I can understand moon. I hope things get better.

Then go to therapy and talk about other things then.

I don't feel strong enough to even get myself to go, not to mention talk about things to someone I don't trust.

If you going to get better you need step outside of your comfort zone and take an educated risk. What have you got to lose? If it does not work, you still will have your misery to wallow in.

Then go in and talk to her about the fact that you need to learn how to trust her first. You have the strength to do anything that you set your mind to. Things are most likely not going to improve without therapy.

She knows, I just don't feel like I can ever open up. I may have the strength but if I'm not willing to then it's virtually useless. Without the will do do something, the strength is not needed.

I know they're not likely to improve yet I still find it hard to get myself to go even.

Then write it out and send it in, Moon. You afraid you might get better?

Well, it is going to be really hard to open up to her if you don't go. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to do what is good for you. I don't recall ever meeting anyone who regretted doing this.

I don't even know anymore, it's like why even bother trying? It's gotten me no where.

I think when going to T is the hardest, that's when we need it most. I strongly think that if you want to commit suicide you should call a help number or 911 and if you are being abused (any form) you should call the services. Maybe give your T a call and let them know that you're afraid to come in and maybe s/he can talk to you over the phone or help convince you to come.
Stay strong!!

I know how awful it is to be told all your life you are worthless and how freaking hard it is to overcome. But you CAN overcome it. I had to move across the country and cut my family off for a while and figure things out on my own, but you know what? Since I left, they treat me like gold. My mom and I are actually good friends now. I showed them that if they didn't start treating me with respect they would not have me in their lives. I still struggle with self esteem issues, but not nearly the way it used to be. I used to SI too. I haven't since I left. You have the choice to not let them effect you. You have the choice to never speak to them if you don't want to. Don't let anyone take away your sense of self and self value. Unless you go around hurting people all the time, you are not a bad person. If anyone says anything different, it's an outright lie.

Also, keep in mind that a lot of people just aren't meant to be parents and have no idea how to cope with their own issues let alone their child's issues. Parents will often say the most horrible things out of frustration (worst thing my mom ever said was that she wished that i would have succeeded in killing myself). Sometimes people just have no clue how to communicate other than through negativity. Parents are absolutely no exception.

Perseverence............... Very important........ No one can try a little bit, not get results and then throw up their hands and cry "failure". Trying a little bit isn't enough. You have to try until you are successful. This is the secret to success. You just have to try long enough and not quit. If you hit a road block you have to figure out how to get around it. You can't quit. Quitting isn't failure. Quitting is quitting. I don't even know why we have this word failure in our language. It is really a dumb word. It really doesn't exist in my book.

Last night I wanted nothing more than to crash my car and end it all. I know I need to change but I'm terrified of what will happen if I do. I don't want to go into details about my past because it will stir up old emotions. I know I won't be able to control or handle them.

I suppose the enigma for me is learning how many know what they need to do to get better but refuse to avoid the ordeal involved in getting better. Yes, revisiting a trauma is fraught with unpleasant emotion. The question is how is your life better because of the avoidance?

a very good question indeed.

THis sounds like an excellent thing to do in therapy......

It is true and so utterly sad -

That to heal -

'We MUST go through it - To get past it'........ (again),

But,
Each time we face it we bring with us new tools/ways to continue working through it