Family

*sighs*

Last night I was sitting in my room... wanted to cut, but I didn't. Not right away. I drew a bunch of hearts on the back of my hand, one by one. Then a drew a braclet on that wrist. It was good. Held off cutting for a bit. But I eventually did cut. That felt even better. I don't need it to hurt so much while I'm doing it, but I need it to sting afterwards- which is why I make superical cuts that don't bleed too much, but sting because air touches them. If I have to bandage it, it doesn't sting as much.

Anyway. This morning my Mom sees my hand and threatens to take my markers away because my hand looks "gawdy". My older sister says I looked like a middle schooler. And my younger sister jumps in and says to my Mom "I thought you drew the line at self-mutilation."

They just joke. Joke about things they don't understand. Say stupid things that hurt so much. They don't know... they obviously can't know. It's just going to get worse, no matter what, isn't it?

NO, it might get worse, but your fate is in your hands, so it might get better.....depends on the choices you make, the path you decide to walk

sounds familiar... i've been there. i'm glad you tried to do something to hold off the urge. i just want to say that because sometimes it's hard to do anything other than the SI right away. and even though you slipped... it's ok. i still believe in you.

that would be so hard to deal with family that says things like that. those types of situations always made me super uncomfortable. they don't know. that's part of the problem... they just don't understand. but i dont think it has to get worse. you can move forward. sometimes it helps to work on educating people like that... but sometimes it's not worth it and you just have to do your best to take care of yourself. i don't know what's best for you... i haven't ever been able to actually talk to my family about it. i've just worked on gaining my own personal space...

i wish you the best. and i am sorry to hear that you had a rough day.

Thine,

OMFG.

Thanks for sharing that, hun.

that's so horrible hearing that sort of thing when they have no idea what's really going on. I know how it feels, trust me. God, that must've really hurt..

*hugs you tight*

Stay strong, and fight harder, dammit, I know you can do it. I've gone a month without it, Thine; if I can do it (the biggest ----up on the planet) then you definitely can!

Regards,
Akuma
~x~

((( thine_self_untrue )))

good job at holding off and trying not to cut! even if you still did cut in the end, im proud of you for trying not to

living with family (or anybody like that for that matter) must be really difficult... *so sorry you have to put up with it* and like Mike_J said, it •might• get worse, and basically, it just depends on what you do. maybe next time, tell them no, or let it be known that what they say isnt okay. they could stop (even if it is for a little bit), and they may not and if that happens, at least you kow you tried and you'll just have to stay strong and put up with it until you can finally put your foot down without risk of getting in trouble..

so hopefully, you can continue to stay strong and not cut! i believe in you and that you can do it so just keep trying not to and i hope everything gets better for you

--bluegirl

Thanks everyone. I feel totally stupid for letting it get to me, but I'm 16 for God's sake and they tease me and threaten to take away my markers?! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I cut again. I'm hardly trying. It's such a release... a lot of hard things are happening with my family at the moment. Basically, they've suddenly decided they give a ---- again and they're threatening to take away the best parts of my life, including my job and my best friend. It's so hard for me to deal with and I'm doing stupid, stupid stuff...

I cried four times yesterday... FML

((( thine_self_untrue )))

just because ive been where you are, im sending you warm fuzzies and loving and caring thoughts

i do not understand your parents; if they really want everything to be okay for you.... then why take away the good things in your life? maybe you should bring this up with them..

its okay that you cut.. dont feel too bad over it, just keep up trying. we all have given in sometimes when it gets tough, so i understand. Sometimes things just get ----ed up and its only way we can deal, but then we need to keep on moving forward.

is there anything that can take of SI'ing? maybe like drawing with markers but only it'll last longer? maybe try writing things out or listening to music, or calling up a friend?

hope everything can get better for you. hope you know that you're in my thoughts and a lot of us care about you

--bluegirl

Bluegirl,

My parents don't know anything. They think this is just the way I am (which is understandable, because I have been this way to some degree for a long time) and they certainly don't know about the SI.

Half the issue (to them) is that we don't talk. I 'learned' not to talk to them a long time ago because it hurts like hell. They misunderstand me, they punish me and try to 'prevent mistakes', they have no idea who I am anymore and that was fine with me. It's so much easier to keep everything to myself. If everything blows up, it's my fault. I can blame myself, punish myself or even end myself. When someone else blows everything up, they hurt me. I lose control. If I hurt myself, I beat the whole world to it. Words just don't come out right anymore and I am sick of bumbling through communications that just end up making me feel worse.

I do try to do other things before I SI. That's why I was so pissed off about my families comments about my hand. They had no concept. I do listen to music and write loads of things before I SI. It all just seems like a prelude to the "main event". I end up doing it eventually. Days are too long... focus is so difficult. God, I'm rambling.

I am so worried that I'm gonna lose my job and friend... Either my parents will make it impossible for us to see each other or he'll get sick of the stupidity and stop coming around. If they make me quit my job, I see no way life will be livable.

I'm sorry. I will shut up now. Everything is just so pent up.

Last night I was sitting in my room... wanted to cut, but I didn't. Not right away. I drew a bunch of hearts on the back of my hand, one by one. Then a drew a bracelet on that wrist. It was good. Held off cutting for a bit. But I eventually did cut. That felt even better. I don't need it to hurt so much while I'm doing it, but I need it to sting afterwords- which is why I make superficial cuts that don't bleed too much, but sting because air touches them. If I have to bandage it, it doesn't sting as much.

Anyway. This morning my Mom sees my hand and threatens to take my markers away because my hand looks "gaudy". My older sister says I looked like a middle schooler. And my younger sister jumps in and says to my Mom "I thought you drew the line at self-mutilation."
- How old is your older sister and how old is your younger sister, are you much of an age difference apart?
- My mom also says that my hands look “gaudy” periodically because I write on them a lot, but yes, she doesn’t really understand why I do it
- I do it because it helps me focus on myself and think hard instead of cutting hard, that’s why I use marker not pen

They just joke. Joke about things they don't understand. Say stupid things that hurt so much. They don't know... they obviously can't know. It's just going to get worse, no matter what, isn't it?
- My mother and sister do the same too, but they don’t really see what’s going on in the inside. They don’t understand how emotionally vulnerable and sensitive you really are until they are “you” and are in your shoes
- Try to understand though that they don’t understand both what’s going on with you because you haven’t surfaced things when things originally began to bubble and are now boiling. It’s a really tough situation, but the skill that you need here is validation. Validation is not saying that everything is right or is wrong, it is what is the middle, its finding that middle and equality. Try to see if you can touch it or if you can just try even once a day as a goal. As time will pass, things will get better because they will pick it up that you too, also need to be validated. Don’t assume the worst because then your mind will seek it as it’s “destiny,” but subconsciously and will not automatically do it, but will make you even more vulnerable than you already are with self-injurious behaviors.

I'm sorry, Thine.. I wish I knew what to say.. *hugs you tight* please hang in there.