[lmg103]

Hi, ok so I haven't been on here in a really long time. I was trying to stay away from PC as I thought reading all these posts were making me feel worse, not trying to be selfish at all. But anyways, I am here today because I am really worried about myself. I used to cut, but recently I started hitting and banging myself till I bruise. And I am not satisfied until I know there will be a bruise. I know it is not normal. I know it is a form of self harm. I went to a therapist at school, she knew I would cut from my parents who told her and who read my diary that they weren't supposed to see. That was last year. Then I started to do better, now I am home for summer break and my parents wanted me to see a new psychiatrist just to make sure the medicines I am on are right for me and so on...to make a long story short, I am afraid to tell him about me bruising and banging myself. I have only met with him 2 times. Tomorrow will be my third. I have told him everything about me but the cutting part. I told him I get depressed and down every so often but I more emphasized the anxiety issues. But now I want to tell him about how I am becoming more depressed and I want to tell him about my new issue about SI but I am scared of how he will react. I just don't know what to do. I am in so many bad situations. I am sick of doing this to myself. It hurts so bad on the inside, that hurting myself on the outside feels good and lets me feel in control when in reality I am totally out of control and I know it. But when I am in that state of mind I have no thoughts but to hurt myself. It is not for attention, it is not to kill myself, i'm not sure why I get these urges. I don't know. Sorry this was a long rant, but if anyone has any words of advice, they would be much appreciated!! thanks

[lmg103]

i should have known no body would want to respond nobody in this world even cares about me

[Sannah]

Img, this site has had really low traffic lately, probably because it is summer in the northern hemisphere. Please don't think that the lack of response has anythng to do with you.

The reasons that you gave for SI sound very reasonable.

I do hope that you will be totally open with your pdoc. Are you getting therapy too?

I do hope that you come back and are not upset about the lack of traffic here.

[Elspeth]

What happened the first time around that made you feel better? Can you try to do that again? Or put yourself around things that remind you of that time?

I realise that you have really just switched cutting for bruising. I guess in some sense that bruising is less harmful???? But probably still bad.

Can you go back to the old psychologist/psychiatrist?

Can you "accidentally" show him a bruise and see whether he picks up on it? It might seem a less scary way that telling him outright??

I remember when my doctor first asked me, I was so scared, I couldn't talk. So I just showed, it seemed easier.

I'm sorry you feel out of control.