[sujunew]

this is just quick as my computer does not like me and deleted the last one. The basic facts are that I am on max doses for most of my meds, and I and meant to be starting to wean off them. My PRN meds could be more, but esp since my hubby left me 2 weeks ago I have to be certain to be able to get up to the kids. But my anxiety levels have risen dramatically recently, esp at night. I take my sleeping tabs early then go to bed when I seem half drunk- rolling off walls etc. As I get ready to lie down the panic starts and goes from bad to worse very quickly. In the end it is a combination of the pills and the energy used during the attack that get me to sleep. I desperately want to tell my caseworker, but i don't feel like i can trust anyone at the mo (even tho when it comes to that she is the one and only person I would go to) as the state has a care order out on my eldest daughter (from when I ended up in a psych ward a year ago) and the other 1can be under state care at any stage.So at the moment I am having MAJOR, SEVERE urges to hurt myself and typing this is the only thing stopping me at the mo. I have tried diff suggestions, but i only have an alarm clock in my room, and I have isolated myself from everyone I have met here (we live about 2000km from the family). I am so tired... But sorry to blab on so much. I better go and feed the dog, tidy away the dinner dishes and see where that leads me.

[sujunew]

this is just quick as my computer does not like me and deleted the last one. The basic facts are that I am on max doses for most of my meds, and I and meant to be starting to wean off them. My PRN meds could be more, but esp since my hubby left me 2 weeks ago I have to be certain to be able to get up to the kids. But my anxiety levels have risen dramatically recently, esp at night. I take my sleeping tabs early then go to bed when I seem half drunk- rolling off walls etc. As I get ready to lie down the panic starts and goes from bad to worse very quickly. In the end it is a combination of the pills and the energy used during the attack that get me to sleep. I desperately want to tell my caseworker, but i don't feel like i can trust anyone at the mo (even tho when it comes to that she is the one and only person I would go to) as the state has a care order out on my eldest daughter (from when I ended up in a psych ward a year ago) and the other 1can be under state care at any stage.So at the moment I am having MAJOR, SEVERE urges to hurt myself and typing this is the only thing stopping me at the mo. I have tried diff suggestions, but i only have an alarm clock in my room, and I have isolated myself from everyone I have met here (we live about 2000km from the family). I am so tired... But sorry to blab on so much. I better go and feed the dog, tidy away the dinner dishes and see where that leads me.

[Fuzzybear]

Hi irishsj.... I can totally relate to the demons at night Sometimes posting is the only thing that stops me harming myself too... and as for isolation... tell me about it Severe urges are so hard to fight, I know, I am there too. I am sorry I am not really helping but I want you to know I care. There are some good resources here and elsewhere on the internet as I am sure you know. Please try to stay safe and take care of you,

Comforting hugs,
Fuzzy

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad irishsj. I know how terrible it can be at night. Just want you to know that I am thinking about you. Please try and be safe. I know how hard that can be too.

[sujunew]

Thanks Fuzzybear and bipolar_bear. I'm going to talk to my nurse tomorrow about my sleep meds, so hopefully that will help. I am also keeping myself as busy as I can (hard when you are so sleep deprived!) and visiting here heaps, and I appreciate your posts.

[Poul]

I can't say I can relate to the urges you have to hurt yourself, but maybe to the sleepless nights. Now these demons that plague me are frightening me in good day light. It's been years since I can say I've seen one, though, I constantly feel that as soon as I let my guard down they will reveal them selves, and this time maybe hurt me. I pray and God comes in my dire need then my mind must push God away and they come back. Why is it that I can't always feel the peace and love of God? They are plaguing my mind so the book of my higher power seems unfulfilling, when so many times before it's given me peace and comfort. My enemies are patient and wait for there chance. They may catch me, after all they are thousands of years on my few, but I'll never give into them. What pain they cause me in my few short years will likely better me for my next trillion and on.