[watchthestarsfall]

I am an ex-cutter...I haven't cut in quite a while and while I did relapse for a bit, it wasn't significant or to the intensity that I was before...

anways.. I have been thinking and I have come to the realization that I hate, absolutely HATE crying or showing strong emotions in front of anyone other than my partner because for several years of my life every time I was crying I would like 99% chance be cutting as well. And thus in my mind crying became a private act and not something that you do in front of anyone. I still even hate crying in front of my partner, but it's a little less hard for me than in front of family or whatever.

That said...I am still really emotional as a person, and I do cry often enough. But I have become terrified of people hearing me cry, seeing me cry, seeing the aftereffects of me crying, etc. This has only been an issue with like, emotional movies so far...but my grandfather passed away on monday and I felt like such a jerk because I know that my family was crying and they all had tissues and I felt like I should cry but I couldn't in front of them.

Does anyone else have this association? or different association with something related to things you did while SIing? (perhaps if you listened to the same song or something you would hate to hear it in public...not only would it trigger, but it would feel weird? as if someone would automatically know? i dunno?)

just some thoughts.

[Sannah]

I can see how you would associate the 2 things and, therefore, would make you want to hide your crying too.