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#1
Oct 18, 2010, 12:48 AM
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I feel stupid for doing it. but, as soon as I was done I did feel better...I haven't cut in 7 years and I did tonight because I'm just nervous because, ONE, I don't know if I will have therapy on tuesday,...there has been a cancellation of three appointments already...all for different reasons, beyond my control...which means I havent been to therapy in over a month...so i'm hoping that life isn't a ***** this week and screws me over so I can't get to therapy,... and TWO, I'm nervous because I think I might have to talk about something that happened...8 years ago when i get to therapy...cuz i sent my T an email about it... and told her that I couldn't sleep...because I kept connecting a current event to a situation in my past...we made a trauma egg in therapy and I wrote it on there but, we never discussed it because she recommended that I put it away because I couldn't handle it and I was sooo emotional...the past event feels sooo similar to what happened to mecurrently...and it triggered me to remember this event from my past, only because...i kinda sorta feel like the script was flipped and now what happened to one of my friends, somewhat happened to me but could have been worse...but, i also feel like its all my fault and that I'm making too much of a big deal out of the current event, the fact that my guy best friend made out with me...its not like i pushed him away but, its not like he asked me either or or I had a choice...i'm not as mad at that as I am about the fact that he mentioned that we should go drinking, so we could have sex in my car... i think thats disrespectful because hes degrading me down to some ***** or something... ok, my first time having sex is not going to be outside of a fast food place in my car! asshole. damn. thats what i am pissed about. i feel wrong for being pissed about it. i just broke tonight though, because I felt ignored, like no one cared about my pain...my therapist wont respond to my last email and two of my older lady friends wouldn't call me back...its like i had no one to turn too, except family and I honestly could...but, its harder for me...i like for my family to see my good qualities...not all this crap...really, i just felt like breaking something when i did it...punching something, like anger was overflowing inside of me and i had to find some place to take it out on..so i took it out on my body...there not deep at all... just bleeding, scratches.. i just liked feeling in control of my pain when I did it.
ahh vent over. 
__________________
---  A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson) 
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#2
Oct 18, 2010, 04:17 AM
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Why do you feel that you didn't have a choice to make out with him? I don't think that you are wrong for being angry with him.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
 jazzy123456
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#3
Oct 18, 2010, 04:44 AM
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Hey Sannah, I hardly ever, actually I don't think I added any friends on this site yet. but, I'm getting a good vibe from you and I appreciate the concern and comment. I'll have to check out some of your posts soon and send some encouraging comments and love your way too. in the mean time, well, she still hasn't emailed me back to confirm that I have it. and i don't know, me getting sick, her getting sick, me having to take care of my mom because shes sick...these are all reasons that cancellations have occured. I was caught completley off guard, thats why.... he grabbed me at my car and held my face, pushing it up to his the majority of the time...before he did it, I had this feeling...like a "dark cloud above me"... like something wasn't right but, I had no idea what was about to happen.. I feel bad because, there was a pause btwn us kissing but, as usual, he made mean comments, kinda hit a button in me, that made me feel bad about myself...so I let him keep going... thats why I still blame myself...but...it was not my choice to begin at all. So, yeah i feel wrong for being angry with him but I guess U shouldn't.
__________________
--- A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson)
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#4
Oct 18, 2010, 05:17 AM
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Can you contact your therapist again? Can you call her?
So when his comments made you feel bad about yourself this is why you let him have his way against what you wanted? This guy sounds like such bad news......... What he did was wrong. What kind of person makes mean comments to their friend?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#5
Oct 21, 2010, 10:01 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
__________________
--- A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson)
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#6
Oct 22, 2010, 03:31 AM
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I'm so glad that you had your T appt. Will you go regularly now then?
Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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