How I feel... (trigger)

Well I wrote this after I slipped the other day and si. I looked at what I did and felt horrible. So, I decided to write down how I feel. And this is what I wrote.
I feel hopeless... Like literally in the bottom of my heart I feel like there's nothing there. That I'm just a breath of air floating around that no one pays attention to or cares about. They only acknowledge it because they have to. They only breathe it in because they have to. They don't really think about it, they only do when they have to. I'm only needed when people require me... Not because I'm actually wanted. But when people really do want me it's because I'm already gone or leaving or when they are in desperate need of help and I have to be the savior. I don't get why people treat me like trash and then expect me to go out of my way the next day to do whatever they want. I'm tired of being the one people look toward for help and feel like they can load their troubles on. Sometimes I need help too. Sometimes I need to load my troubles on someone else. *Sometimes I need someone to hold me when I'm crying. But nobody truly cares. I can't handle not being cared about. Every time it happens I feel like someone rips my heart out, tears it apart into little pieces, and then expects me to put it back together just like the way it was before. My heart is literally being broken every day and all I want to do is cry. But even that doesn't help. And when I give in to the pressure to si I regret it immediately after i do it. Everyday I look at what I've done to myself from si and it reminds me about how I wasn't strong enough to handle my emotions and beat the urge. I wasn't strong enough to tell the world that I'm not going to let it ruin my life. It makes me feel like an utter failure. I'm scared because I can't handle myself and I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm a new person in my old body. And I don't like this new person at all. I need help and I don't know where*to get it.

Those are terribly painful (and familiar ) feelings. You have the right to be loved and cared for, but experience tells me that the world doesn't always give us everything we have a right to. Sometimes you need to be tough. You need to be able to care for yourself if there's no one else around to care for you. Just...don't give up! You can pm me anytime you need to talk

Hi Ashley, welcome to PC. I'm assuming that family and friends are taking advantage of you? For the family, it helps to understand what is going on. For friends it requires choosing friends who will meet your needs too. Do you have a hard time accepting help?

Nah I don't really. I just don't get offered help often so I'm not used to getting it... I'm just more used to offering it.