[suzzie]

the other day the thought crossed my mind to bring my knife in my purse to work. just in case. now im thinking to leave it in there always so its handy. maybe even have one in a few places. and when i went for groceries i picked up a new one. obviously i plan on doing it again. how do you know when you are doing it too much. when have you lost control with it. the first thing i thought of and did this morning was s/i. i dont think as long as im in trauma it will stop. but i dont think im addicted to it either. could stop if i really tried. but maybe not. just sinking in this. between wanting to do it so much and the need growing. and knowing i should stop. but dont try enough because i sometimes like/want it. other times i just really need it. those times are worst tho because i just do it without thought. sometimes quite bad. because i do it alot faster and its harder to feel at first. no question here. just trying to figure it out. thought writing it might help.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I think planning to do it again is a red flag. Also, needing to do it more is a little concerning. I SH too and I knew it was getting out of my control when I brought a razor blade to work to use on breaks and always had an "emergency kit" in my purse. Trauma work is so overwhelming, it makes sense that the urge is so strong. Have you tried talking to your T about how much this has escalated? Have you found any other coping skills that help even a little? I wish I had something better to say...stay safe!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by suzzie

i dont think im addicted to it either.

between wanting to do it so much and the need growing.

its harder to feel at first.

These last 2 comments make it sound like it has become an addiction. Concerning the fact that you can't feel it at first, addictions need a higher level of "fix" as they progress. You get used to the level of "fix" and need a higher level.