[kimjk]

I've been cutting myself every once and a while for the past four to five years. It doesn't come up much and I usually do so out of boredom, especially since I have this strange obsession with my own blood and inflicting pain on myself. Not sure why but it's something, as you could say, I consider 'fun'.

I cut an old bruise open today and as I was messing around I began to wonder if what I was doing was wrong. Surely it's unhealthy and I shouldn't be doing it but I've found no true reason to stop. I don't do it often, maybe once every few months or so, and since I have a high tolerance for pain, it doesn't bug me much.

However, I haven't taken much consideration into how it could be affecting my physical health. Putting emotions aside, I've actually cut myself the same knife (an x-acto blade, to be more precise) in order to reopen and further infect certain wounds. I do this for the pain, which I suppose is my ultimate goal.

Strange thing is, I can't find a reason for this. I doubt it has much to do with my life at the moment as I'm pretty stable, emotionally, and most things are going pretty well in my life.

Could anyone explain to me further what it might be? Or anyone ever do the same? I'd really like to know since I...don't know if I want to stop.

Thank you all for listening!

[Nemo39122]

I don't know if my experience is similar or helpful at all, but I really relate to alot of what you're saying. Alot of times I wonder if it is actually a bad thing because, in my case, it helped me feel better (or feel anything). I've also harmed myself or atleast wanted to strictly due to boredom. Ironically that makes me believe I'm seriously ****ed up and want to SI more, for emotional reasons. Honestly I think this reason may be just as dangerous if not worse than SI-ing because of depression/anxiety/etc.

If it's just something you consider "fun," how did you begin to do this? Was there any emotional issue going on, even lack of feeling anything when it started? There's probably more to it than you realize. Typically the reason for deciding to SI without any known reason is because a person has become addicted to it, but you said you only do this "every once in awhile" so maybe it's not the case. Do you think about it often? Have the urge to and it distracts you from other things? Those might indicate that it's become a habit, which would partially explain what you're asking.

One last thing, you said you do it for the pain which is your goal. Maybe you simply like pain. There is some fancy scientific name for this, I've forgotten it at the moment though. I'm sure there's another fancy scientific word for liking blood too.

No matter what the cause of this is, good luck in figuring it out and, if you ever decide to, good luck in stopping SI as well.

[Sannah]

Are you in therapy?

[kimjk]

Originally Posted by Xx_Not_Emo_xX

If it's just something you consider "fun," how did you begin to do this? Was there any emotional issue going on, even lack of feeling anything when it started? There's probably more to it than you realize. Typically the reason for deciding to SI without any known reason is because a person has become addicted to it, but you said you only do this "every once in awhile" so maybe it's not the case. Do you think about it often? Have the urge to and it distracts you from other things?

Thank you for your reply And no, actually. I sort of came into cutting as a little kid would find picking at his scab an answer to his curiosity. It doesn't much take away from my life as I really only do so if I already have a cut, which I'll go ahead and make bigger as well as cut around it just for the blood. It's strange, though...it doesn't make me feel 'better' in any sort of way, just one of those things you do every once and a while. In a way, my own little 'recreational sport' - as you could put it.

[kimjk]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Are you in therapy?

Therapy? Well, physical, yes. I just recently got out of my wheelchair (YAY!) but other than that, no. I have been seeing a therapist, though, but for medicine dealings as the medication they had given me last year had caused an imbalance in my system. I've left her, though, and am now drug-free, have been for about...two months?

[pegasus]

Self-harm is a way of coping with emotional stuff, not a great way to cope though! It would be good for you to get to the bottom of the reasons why you feel you need to do this and see if you can find some other safer way of coping.