[saving_grace]

Hi everyone, I joined here in 2003 and have been coping with self harm for as long as I can remember. I came back tonight to look at how I felt back then and look at how things have changed (please excuse my ramblings) I am due to get married in one week and am looking forward to it immensely with a man who I love and (most importantly) loves me back. Yet when reading old posts by myself and new posts I still relate. I have come to understand I will never get over this, the way I view myself and the need to cut myself. It has become a coping mechanism of which I cannot immediately turn to because my other half will not accept it therefore I have to hide it which is not possible when you live with someone. This means I have to lie and hide which is not fair.

I always crave it therefore I understand that it is an addiction which I work to overcome but it still makes me feel better afterwards. I imagine me at 80 still thinking about it; well I just am not sure.

I think as a person I will never feel entirely complete no matter how fat, thin or whatever but I know my other half makes me feel complete in those rare moments it is just us blanking out the rest of the world.

I have grown up a lot; I have always felt older than I am partly due to dealing with this and partly due to my own nature. I find it hard to relate to people of my own age as I normally spend time with people older than me plus due to the treatment I undertook when I was younger I find it hard to trust.

I feel isolated and that I am not sure of the best way to communicate with people but the offer of anonymous catharsis and support entices me to get it all off my chest.

Am I rambling, most likely sorry, I don't know the point to this post but I need to get it out. I suppose my wondering is will I ever stop feeling the need to cut myself, it’s been over 9 years and I still don't have an answer but I don't think I do it out of hate anymore which I suppose is progress. Love to you all x x

[Sannah]

You can recover with proper therapy.

[agma]

It is hard.....I too am married to a guy who does not understand SI and will not accept it. I also crave it and have to hide it. It is so hard because the person I love and look to for support can not help me with this, and not only that, I have to lie to him when he asks if I have injured. So, that said, I completely understand where you are coming from. Try to find someone you trust that is understanding so that you have someone you can talk to about it.