Did it again...

Went nearly 3 weeks w/out SI. But I did it again. Can't take the "inside pain" anymore. Would do anything to drown it out... People are always around... except when I need them most... when I'm falling apart. I know I'm a mess... but I keep hoping one of my friends will be there for me when the darkness falls. There never are. I have no choice. It's the least of what I could do with my .357. My little Winchester pocket knife gets me through the night again!

Sorry that things got so overwhelming for you - I think until we learn other ways of dealing with our emotions, sometimes our choices of how to deal with them are limited - but hey you did nearly 3 weeks which was great - maybe look on this as a slip rather than a failure - do you have a T who knows about the SI?

Take care today - SD

hello Salmacis. Sorry that you had a slip, but 3 weeks is a good goal, like soup said that is an achievement.
You say that people are always around..except when you need them the most. I'm sure that if some of you're friends knew how much you need them they would be there if they could be.

I have a similar problem, I have some support in life, but its not there all the time. I am grateful though for the support when it is there, because I would be truly alone without the few people in my life. Personally I have to accept that my friends have their own problems and the're own life's to lead.
I hate being alone at night (and even through the day light), I hate to be alone when feeling bad and in pain inside. Loneliness is hard work for myself, as it is for anyone; but when I receive company the joy is more better.
It still does not matter though in the night when alone. I have made the feeling of loneliness a little something to treasure, because I know one day I'll long for a bit of 'Me' time.
The only advice I can find is that when feeling alone at night log on to PC and find support here. Try to think of the all the good times to come in you're own future.
Pain like joy is an equal emotion, so when I'm alone and needing company and friendship, I know that it will come in the future. Its what gets me through.

I been nearly 5 months now of no cutting, I put that down to finding PC.
I still have urges. I wont submit. Not cutting is now a challenge for me.

A good start for you're own recovery would be to take the 'Winchester Knife', and throw it in to a river or lake. Symbolise the end of S/H by ritualising the end of the knife.

I hoped this helped.
Good Luck.
Take Good Care.
X

Thanks, SD - I'll see my T tomorrow & she knows about my cutting... just not that I did it again. I really thought I was going to be OK. Ugh. Saturday night is always awful somehow.

Thanks, Sanada! Kind of like you said, it's the night time... all my friends have families & they go to bed early. I'd planned on just sitting in the garage, listening to some music & writing - getting some ME time! :-) First, the stereo wouldn't play my CDs (so I smashed it), then I couldn't find a pen with ink. Really frustrating and I got angry. Maybe I need to find some younger single friends who are still up past 10pm?

Sadly, the knife was given to me by my grandpa (who is now deceased)... so I'm kind of attached to it. Might be able to put it in safekeeping though!

Congrats on your 5 months... hope it continues!!

Salmacis

I'm glad that you have a therapist. Keep us posted on how you are doing?