Hurting

(((((River))))),

I understand how you are feeling with taking care of your mother. It was 7 years ago that I was in your same place......I was an only child, so there were no brothers or sisters to help (that might have really been a good thing), but I also didn't have any support from her Dr's or even my own psychologist when the home care person got involved & started started to steal the things in my mom's house & I caught checks that were written by I didn't know who. I was all alone with my mother who was dying of cancer & the home care person who I caught being very abusive. I finally got her out of the house only after she had called the police accusing me of being the one abusing my mother & then she ended up OD'ing my mother on the morphine. That all alone, helpless feeling was horrible....on top of that, my mother's Dr's weren't being honest with her about her condition & kept telling her that "they got all the cancer in the surgery" when it was spreading throughout her body but she was still "hounding" me with her question of "when was she going to get better?"

I wasn't trying to hold down a job like you are during that time. I was able to be with my mother 24/7, but that all alone feeling that caretakers end up having is such a horrible feeling. My mother ended up being in her house & creating the situation of having to have the home care person because she was unreasonable about what her Dr's were telling her the care she needed & they never talked with me so I could even try to reason with my mother. The whole situation was such a mess that it actually made me ill & I landed in the medical hospital even though my pdoc tried to get me into the mental hospital when I was too sick to keep going.

It's so hard to be the one doing the taking care of & seeing how really bad things are without anyone else even acknowledging what is really happening. The stress for me made me so sick to my stomach that I couldn't eat & ended up loosing so much weight which was why they put me in the medical hospital. It was my body's way of dealing with stress which was in it's own way self injury even though it wasn't intentional. It does seem like our body's turn on us when we are in difficult situations.

Since that time I have been going to a DBT group this last year, still trying to deal with the PTSD that situation caused. I have learned that when we are in distressing situations there are some crisis survival strategies that can help. It's hard however when all your time is completely dedicated to work & to being the care giver. Maybe you could start with taking vacation or a family leave of absence from work so that you have a little more time to take care of yourself. Crisis survival strategies include finding activities that can distract you for even a short while from the situation that is causing so much stress. Maybe watching a light hearted movie or finding a good book that you can read when you get a few chances through out the day, also make sure that you do not focus on your situation when you are able to be away from it....be into what you are doing when you are away without allowing your mind to wander back to your caregiving situation (definitely harder to do than to say as for me, worry is one of the best things I do). It's important to find things that you are able to soothe yourself through your senses....for me, my HOT SHOWERS are a life saver. I also have a special smelling room spray that when I'm really stressed out, I will spray around the house & it really causes a sense of relaxation. Also, we need to find a way to improve the moment. One can't really change the situation, but one can use imagery to escape to. It's also important to find meaning or value in the painful situation. Try to focus on any psitive aspects you can think of in the difficult situation. Prayer is also good for many of us....where we are able to turn the horrible things over to God (all the worry & the bad feelings).

It's also important to see if there isn't some way where you can enlist the help of your family. Maybe you can use the logical part of your mind to figure out a diplomatic way of enlisting their help (I could say, find a way to manipulate them to want to help....but think the word diplomatic is more politically correct).

The thing is that none of these things change the situation you are really in.....that needs to just be accepted as the way it is...not right or wrong....it just is what it is needing to be the caretaker who really cares. But if you can give yourself a little break along the way, it's amazing how less the distress can be experienced for at least a few moments of break.

It might help to express your feelings of being the caretaker & some of what is going on with that. I know my mother made me frustrated & angry at times because of how she was acting during that difficult period of time. I had no where to express those emotions & they were building up with everything else. Sometimes just letting out the emotions you are experiencing can really help a lot also.

If you feel like PM'ing rather than writing out some of your feelings, I am just a PM away. It's always good to get the input of others around here as there are wonderful caring people here but I know that sometimes it feels safer to express things in a less public format. I know when I was finally able to express what I had been feeling, it really helped with the load I was carrying.
Sending you gentle 's & knowing how much you are hurting.

Are there any nursing supports available to your mother through her insurance? Is she a senior citizen?

Thanks for trying to help...but it's too late for anything anymore.

Please be safe River! This WILL pass.

Thanks for your vote of confidence....but in reality I highly doubt it!
I'll be home in a few days. I've tried calling my pdoc, he was no help- I blacked out one night and woke up on the floor-he tells me to make an appointment when I get back...he didn't seem so egar to help or listen. I've been trying to talk to my T before I left - don't know if at this point if it would have made any difference. He just wants to make an appointment for me to come see him while I'm away...dispite the fact that I told him I wasn't back till a certain time.
Sometimes I wish he could save me...but I think that things are so bad at this point...no one can-for sure I'm not up to the task myself.

River this will pass..............

It doesn't feel that way. My life has been a total mess I truly have nothing.

But in the future you can work toward having something.

I've tried, my T has tried....so far disapointment has been about the best I can do.

So you have given up?

I'm getting close and it scares me. My T was supposed to caLl me tonight and I can't get through to him. Can you help me? I don't know what to do! I need helP!

How are you today River? Did you get a hold of your T?

I spoke to my T yesterday, can't say that it helped. We're supposed to meet in 5 days-but in all honesty I don't know if I'll be in good shape till then. Can't see the Pdoc till next week. At this point I feel like they are trying to kill me with what they have done. all they seem to want is the money - they don't seem to generally care. I guess if my family doesn't why should they or me for that matter!

Sometimes I'm scared of what I should do. What would happen if I went to spend sometime at a hospital? How would it effect my future and what would happen to me there? I'm scared sometimes of what I might do to myself.

Can you discuss this with your therapist?

I'm trying the best that I can! I'm suppose to see my pdoc tomorrow sometimes it's easier to talk to him. I'm just afraid to tell him everything for fear that he would keep me in the hospital. It terrifies me and I'm afraid that it would ruin anything I do/ or decide to in the future - that is of I have one .

Why is this?

Because of I tell them What id like to do they would probably lock me up. It would ruin everything. Then if I change my plan it would be a stigma i'd be stuck with once again. It would also effect work, insurance and the rest of whatever type of life I'm supposed to have

I would just deal with things one at a time and do what needs to be done at the moment. Trying to predict into the future is crazy making.

My insurance isn't the best - I work for a non-profit org. It's hard to get coverage