I went to T today, and she was asking me how my week was... I told her it hadn't been great, etc, and also that I was concerned about my meds (beta blockers) slowing my heart rate too much. She asked to feel my pulse, and reached for my wrist. The left one. I turned it over to her, a couple of scars visible. She didn't comment. A while later we were talking about a job I'd applied for, and I expressed my concern about wearing a uniform. I regretted the words as soon as they were out my mouth. She wanted to know why. Short sleeves. "Your arms?" Yes. Well, my left one. "Because you're right handed." Yes. She asked if I'd been cutting recently. I didn't know what to say. I'd not wanted to tell her I'd been doing it again, I've always given her the impression it was in the past -- I thought it was. But, I also could not bring myself to lie to her. "Not much" I finally said. I felt so ashamed, I couldn't even look up. It made me sad to confess, but in a way also a relief. If she knows about it, maybe she's in a better position to help me. I think it's a good thing that I've been completely honest. I hope it is. But, I still want to crawl into a hole.

[SoupDragon]

You are very brave for sharing this with your T and I think you are right the more you can share with her, the more able she will be to help you.

I know SI does bring feelings of guilt with it, but be kind to yourself you are doing the right thing in sharing tihs with T.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by just_some_girl

I went to T today, and she was asking me how my week was... I told her it hadn't been great, etc, and also that I was concerned about my meds (beta blockers) slowing my heart rate too much. She asked to feel my pulse, and reached for my wrist. The left one. I turned it over to her, a couple of scars visible. She didn't comment. A while later we were talking about a job I'd applied for, and I expressed my concern about wearing a uniform. I regretted the words as soon as they were out my mouth. She wanted to know why. Short sleeves. "Your arms?" Yes. Well, my left one. "Because you're right handed." Yes. She asked if I'd been cutting recently. I didn't know what to say. I'd not wanted to tell her I'd been doing it again, I've always given her the impression it was in the past -- I thought it was. But, I also could not bring myself to lie to her. "Not much" I finally said. I felt so ashamed, I couldn't even look up. It made me sad to confess, but in a way also a relief. If she knows about it, maybe she's in a better position to help me. I think it's a good thing that I've been completely honest. I hope it is. But, I still want to crawl into a hole.

i'm glad you did what was her responce if you dont mind sharing this i keep thinking about telling my T but i am not quite as brave as you are.was she mad or wanting to stop seeing you or put you in the hospital????

enough about my stuff.did you get the job??when people see my arms and feel the need to ask what went on.all i do is give them some story about how i was in a bad accident when i was a teenager and so on it is usually enough to shut them up.it isn't anyones busness and the people who dont even know you but feel the need to ask deserve to be lied to IMO because it really isnt any of there busness

Originally Posted by granite1

i'm glad you did what was her responce if you dont mind sharing this i keep thinking about telling my T but i am not quite as brave as you are.was she mad or wanting to stop seeing you or put you in the hospital????

enough about my stuff.did you get the job??when people see my arms and feel the need to ask what went on.all i do is give them some story about how i was in a bad accident when i was a teenager and so on it is usually enough to shut them up.it isn't anyones busness and the people who dont even know you but feel the need to ask deserve to be lied to IMO because it really isnt any of there busness

Thank you Granite and Soup Dragon, it's good to hear some reassurance!

She didn't comment further, or ask to see, or get mad, or threaten to put me in a hospital or stop seeing me. She did a very good job of not reacting with shock or horror. She was simply understanding, fixing me in her gaze, wearing a sort of sad but reassuring smile. She then suggested I could ask to wear a longsleeve shirt under the work tshirt, and I agreed that's probably what I would have to do.

If I know T, I imagine the subject will come up again in the near future, but I think that's okay.

I was concerned she might not want to work with a 'cutter', but she's as committed to me as ever. When I got home she'd emailed me telling me to try not to be 'despondent', and that she believes we're getting somewhere.

I've not heard about the job - it's doubtful I will get it, apparently a lot of people applied, but I had noticed the short sleeved uniforms and was concerned that it might be an issue if they did offer me a position. (Enough that it would put me off working there.) I've been trying to think of a way to explain away my scars if someone asks, but I can't come up with anything better than 'I fell off my bike into some barbed/razor wire' - which, isn't all that believeable. I'm just hoping that they won't look so bad once they (hopefully) fade. I know it's no ones business, but I don't want people to notice and speculate behind my back.