[puzzclar]

Something is going on, I keep feeling disconnected from my body, and it's starting to scare me. I'm worried that I'll start to shake. I'm so scared. and what's even worse is I want to let it happen. The only thing is I'm in the Library typing, and don't want the paramedics to be called because of it. The other thing is I have to do something to release all of the pain in my head. I can't study right now with so much pain. I want to do something to get rid of the pain, but I'm trying to stop myself, because I know it's not possible right now to even do any type of si. I'm so scared, I've felt disconnected several times in the last 24 hours, and Who knows if my pdoc can figure out what's going on and why I feel so disconnected. I'm scared, really scared...... what else can I do but try and focus on something else to keep from feeling disconnected and wanting to reconnect through other methods? Any thoughts?????

[Sannah]

What is the pain from? It sounds like you are dissociating? Can you ground yourself? Go outside feel the weather, look at something, etc.

[puzzclar]

The pain is coming from my neck. and as far as grounding..... I've been looking at other people. I've had several of these moments and I don't like them.... at least I see pdoc tomorrow.... hope it just doesn't happen.

[Sannah]

Do you need a neck massage?

[puzzclar]

I did use some tennis balls to help release some of the tension. It kind of helped, at least for now. I would go into the chiropractor but I just don't have the money. And it doesn't help that I only have a few shifts for work in the next two months, and I haven't put in too many job apps because I don't want to work black Friday, I want to spend Thanksgiving with family, and in a different city.

[Sannah]

How did your pdoc appt. go?

[puzzclar]

He said it was dissociating, and due to the si. But it was a long appt. On a brighter note I should be receiving my A.S. by the end of the year.

Right now, I'm a bit anxious.... just because of the dissociating thing. I was in a class and it only seemed like it was about 10 minutes of a 50 minute class. Half way through I had to take something for the anxiety,the only thing is it makes me sleepy and I still have one more class today...... And my head feels as if someone has put it in a blender.... I tried to ground myself, but it didn't really work, I'm very scared of going to class and having an attack. but I just have to trust that the meds will help. If they don't help enough, I really don't have a clue of how to get through the class. Not to mention the homework that I have to do tonight. (SCREAM, not to mention the pain is back. I'd rather have pain from si then this.)

[Sannah]

How are you trying to ground yourself?

[puzzclar]

Looking at something, or feeling something. Is there a better way?

[BlessedRhiannon]

There are lots of ways to ground yourself, different methods work for different people. When I dissociate, looking at people doesn't work at all...usually triggers a stronger dissociation. Sometimes touch works, but it depends on what I'm touching. For me, if I can, petting one of the dogs and really focus on how their fur feels works best. If I don't have a dog handy, focusing on my breathing and breathing to a count works well. Sometimes focusing on music helps. Basically, anything that I would normally find relaxing and that I can focus completely on helps to stay grounded.

Dissociation can be scary. Take some time to think about some alternate grounding options. I've also found that tting to force yourself back tio a grounded state rarely works...you have to stay gentle with yourself.

[skeksi]

Dissociation can be very scary. Here are some grounding techniques I use:

To use smells to focus me, I keep a jar of solid perfume or a Vicks vapor inhaler in my bag.

To use touch to focus me, I have a plastic toy that has lots of edges. I can rub it and pay attention to what I'm feeling. Sometimes I use knots on fabric to do this, too.

Sometimes I do the 5-4-3-2-1--five things I see, 4 things I hear, 3 things I feel, 2 things I smell, 1 thing I taste. I've also done it where I notice 5 things with all 5 senses, then 4 things with all my senses, and so on. It's okay to repeat things!

I wrote down some things on a card that help me remember where and when I am living. Sometimes I repeat those.

I have a calming meditation mp3 I listen to, and also some religious chants.

I hope at least one of these is new and helpful to you!

[puzzclar]

And yesterday's dissociation set off a anxiety attack. And I"m sore head to hips. my neck is the worst. and I really can't think because of the pain. I don't even know why I'm on campus trying to study. I"m soo tired.

The attack sent me to the er. with two pricks in my skin... and the iv didn't really ground me, since it hurt like crazy. Now if I can get my mind back, with a lot less pain. It looks like I need to see the disabiiltiy services on campus to get help with the work that I know will be due, and the stuff from the past. To help cover my butt and get some help.... I really can't wait to see my gp and my T today.... I so need both. For all of the pains to go away.

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you are reaching out to seek help.

[puzzclar]

me too. since studying is not happening right now.... I don't have my mind at all here with me.

[puzzclar]

Since the attack, my neck has been killing me, and it makes it hard to sit up. And I've also thought of si and sui. I want the pain just to end, and I don't care the outcome. Which makes it very hard. One big reason is my neck is so tight that eating is very hard, and not something I want to really do.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you could really use a neck massage.

[puzzclar]

I've stayed home from classes, because I was afraid of having another attack. And I did have a small on at home. I want to go to my last class, but I'm not sure I should drive. I should just si just to feel a different pain. I..... am scared..... scared that my neck will interfere with learning, like it has. I do have pain releifer and a muscle relaxer to see if it would help. But my neck needs support, not to mention the tingling in my legs. Why do my attacks have to be this bad?

[jam6221029]

I usually don't post on here because I feel like I'm interrupting conversations, but what you said caught my attention.. Where you said

Originally Posted by puzzclar

I should just si just to feel a different pain. I..... am scared.....

I felt the same way last night. It was the worst I had felt in months. All I wanted to do was hurt myself to make sure I wasn't imagining. I'm sorry, I know it's hard, but all I can really say is what others have said and If it gets to where you want to si, where you're about to, just put yourself where ever you can where you can't do it. I locked myself in a room for three hours to make sure I had control over myself..

[Sannah]

How are you today Puzzclar?

[puzzclar]

jam6221029, your not interrupting, your adding to the conversation. I wish I could lock myself in a room, but I can't because I'd find a way to si... That in itself, scares me. I know where I really should be, but I can't, I don't want to go back, all I want is for the pain to go away.

I'm still in a lot of pain, and I have a test tomorrow. I don't know how studying is going to go. I have so much to do, and the pain makes me just want to sleep. (partly due to meds for the pain) I have two labs to get through today, and then attempting to study and get something out of it.

Locking myself in a room wont help at this point.... All of the pain seems just to be getting worse, both physical and mental. I'm locked inside myself, and I have no where to turn to for protection from myself. No matter where I go, the pain is still there, the fear is still there, and some of the anxiety is still there. I have a presentation to give in an hour and a half, and I haven't even reviewed the slides that I have.... grrr.... to much to do, and not enough distractions away from the pain.

[Sannah]