[Bubba-Bear-96]

I've been having a really, really rough time this week.. I guess this is just going to be me venting and looking for support... I've been having a tough time dealing with a really intense death dream I had earlier in the week.. It consisted of my sister being consumed by a big black cloud of nothing, and me just barely getting away from it as I watched my 12-year-old sister and best friend, dying. This was really traumatic for me to endure and I've been afraid to sleep since then, even though I have to sleep and I know that I do, so I sleep. My anxiety and mental instability was bad throughout the week, but on Wednesday it had it's peak. I spent the whole day either panicking or crying or having a panic attack... I sat in one 75 minute clas out of four that day.. On Thursday, I stayed home because of it. Thursday night, I had an argument over Facebook with a really good friend and she had told me just on Wednesday that she would never give up on me even when everyone else does.. Yeah, she gave up on me. She told me I was lying about being sexually abused a few years ago by my younger brother, told me I just want attention from everything I do, and told me that I think my problems are worse and more important than hers and everyone elses'... which is NOT true, none of that is true. Why would I lie? Why would I want attention from things? Yes, I show my scars and yes I talk about things like self harm and my eating problems openly to people at school sometimes. But that's because I am comfortable with my scars because they are a part of who I am and others need to learn to accept that. And because I don't have a very good support system at home, so I feel the need to fill that void by apparently trusting the wrong people with my secrets.... But, I always try supporting others where I can even if I am mentally unstable myself... Needless to say, I bawled my eyes out after she told me that on Thursday night and I self harmed. I went completely ballistic on my arms and I have cuts all the way around both arms and all the way up them like a sleeve. Just a sleeve of cuts going out in every direction..... On Friday I stayed home from school again. Still upset and angry at mostly myself, I was in an unstable state.... Friday afternoon, I tried to first hang myself on my bedroom door, but after realising that it wasn't high enough for me to be successful due to my height (I'm 5'8")... I proceeded to try strangling myself with a cloth belt.. I just wrapped it around my neck, until my face turned completely purple... my entire face went numb, and I felt a growing pressure in my head and I felt really dizzy.. I did this several times, each time getting longer and harder... I finally stopped after I got a message on my computer.. It *dinged* and the noise just made enough of a distraction to make me stop trying to strangle myself.... My head still hurt a day later, and today I had a major binge attack to compensate for my feelings of worthlessness... I wanted to OD earlier, but I fell asleep instead.. I'm safe tonight... But for the days to come, I'm worried. :\