[nicoleb2]

I need to SI right now. I need to focus on something other than the despair, the urges. SI would do that for me

[doglover5]

What are your favorite hobbies or past times? Do you have any pets?

I'm here to talk if you'd like

[nicoleb2]

Hobbies... reading, sewing, not much else

I am feeling so much worse today. I am tired of being the one that has to deal with all the crap. I want to shut down. To make the world go away.

[doglover5]

it is a miserable feeling! I hope you get to feeling better as the day goes on.

I like to read as well! What are your favorite kinds of books?

[nicoleb2]

I actually called my t (as opposed to usually just texting her). Waiting for a call back. Urges are so bad right now.
Found out today that not only am I fcking up my own life, I am fcking up my daughters too

[Sannah]

What happened?

[nicoleb2]

Saw her pdoc today. In addition to her ADHD, he is now saying she has prolonged/complicated grief (from what I've read, is often triggered by a parents' inability to grieve...), and possibly depression

[nicoleb2]

I so do not deserve my kids. All I do is end up making their lives more difficult. Everyone would be far better off without me.

[nicoleb2]

I am feeling awful right now. Really detached, feel like my world is spinning. The only way i have ever been able to make this feeling stop is to cut. I don't know how much more of this I can take

[Sannah]

Nicole, you ARE their mother. You are spending your time beating yourself up instead of working towards solutions for everyone.

[puzzclar]

No, your kids need you. You may not feel like it now, but life without a mother is worse than what is going on now. I know the urges can be bad, but distractions can help. I don't know what you have been doing over the last few days (due to being in mh) but I do know, Life is worth living. Take any story that you may have told your kids... "once upon a time" and "They lived happily ever after." You can't just say the two lines, there is difficulty, challenges, trials, and many lessons learned. This is your time to shine, the trials and challenges can lead to you shining and becoming stronger!!!!

[nicoleb2]

I'm doing a little better today, my pdoc's office finally called back about the issues I was having. I am stopping my new med.
They wanted me to wait till my Feb 23rd appointment to talk to pdoc about other options, which I told them I am not ok with, that's too long.
Having a lot of anxiety tonight, still some si urges, but not nearly as bad as they were.

Ok, so I'm not really as good tonight as I was saying.. I was busy for most of the day, with stuff I had to get done, so I have been pushing everything away, at night though, is when things get worse. Everything I ppush away all day comes back that much harder at night, when I should be sleeping but can't.

The last 2 nights, I have taken vicodin with my other sleep stuff, just because I knew that if I added it, I would actually calm down enough to sleep. I don't want to, but I am going to admit this to t, and it'll be just one more thing to work through

[puzzclar]

Staying busy/distractions work very well, but when we are alone is the hardest time. Does writing help? I noticed while I was in the "Unit" I was able to vent through writing before going to sleep, it did help, but night is still hard for me.... but it's worth trying.

I sure hope your pdoc has an apt sooner than that... Fingers crossed X

[nicoleb2]

I cannot keep going feeling like this. I feel like I am physically going to explode. I need to make my body slow down, and nothing I have tried is working. Even though it would be temporary, I know that cutting would slow things down. I can't keep this up for much longer

[puzzclar]

Just like you told me, if cutting will help you not explode it's better than any alternative. You can't go on forever like this, believe me, I tried. Nicole, do what you have to so you don't explode.