Tempted

I was a cutter for years when I was younger. Just a way to get rid of the pain. Lately I feel like I'm sinking, I have been in a serious funk. I miss my ex, I'm resenting my very being. I feel useless, I have no friends, no job, am waiting for after my grandmas funeral to enroll in classes since it's out of state and I don't want to have my grade drop for missing those few days. My kid has no respect for me and when he doesn't get his way tells me I'm a bad mom which I know he can't comprehend he's 3 and then apologizes but he has no idea how that cuts my very soul. I drink wine alot of it every night, not to numb anything but because I'm bored, I'm bored out of my mind. My husband works non stop and goes to bed when he gets home. I have no life, I try to read and my kid finds a way to take my book and rip out the pages. Ive tried taking him to the park so we can both get other people interaction and I get snubbed, literally ignored by the other moms when they see my ring isn't 3 carats and I have tattoos. The other night I decided to take a bath it had been a mentally exhausting day of arguing with the boy. I keep having these thoughts of cutting, just a few to get rid of the ache for a second. I haven't and my T says that it's important to remember that I remained strong and didn't, I feel stunted in life growth, I used to be happy, I used to be so many things that the angry me today wouldn't recognize. I want to crawl away under the covers and wake up a new person. I guess no one can become a new person without the work.

(((Justme 55))) - I'm sorry you feel so frustrated, alone and tempted. I'm not experienced with SI but please don't do this. I heard holding ice cubes helps sometimes. Its sounds like you feel very alone in parenting - I know what that feels like big time.

When my girls were young, I used to take them to library programs they had - they were age related, so the kids would go with the other kids - the library staff would read to them and do crafts etc. The moms would sit in the main library and talk. You can also call your community number and see what programs they have for mom's with young kids. It also doesn't help that your husband isn't a more involved beyond working. I hope it gets better.

All I can tell you is to try to stay strong you will get through it all even if you don't feel like you will. And don't hold it against your son he doesn't know any better and he will grow up to love appreciate you... I swear he will. Just keep your head up and pray that you don't fall any farther... I'll keep you in my prayers.

Hi Justme, welcome to PC. It would be really hard to not have that relationship with your husband. Is he a workaholic?

Do you think that you are in charge of your son? Sounds like it upsets you when he isn't happy when you make "mom decisions"? Children actually get upset when the parent isn't in charge. Having a parent in charge helps them to feel safe and helps them to learn self control (a child learns self control by being controlled by a parent, not excessive control of course).

Why are you arguing with your son? You actually give him power by doing that. At that age there shouldn't be any negotiation. You are the one in charge.

I hope to support you here so that you don't feel so lonely.