omg

Its all so weird. I was so forgetful and confused all the time and thought it was my risperdal I take for anxiety. I got in trouble at work because of it and everything is just bah. I go to my dr because something has got to give. I was anxious and stressed and stopped caring. She said my anxiety is causing all the forgetfulness etc. I reluctantly told her I was having urges to si again from all of this. She added Prozac to my mix because she thought it would help and gave me klonopin to hold me over til Prozac helps. I go back in a week for review.

Its all so confusing. I will be fine and happy and then suddenly I can just see it. I can see myself making the cut and feel the blood on my leg. The sting in the shower and remember the shame. Then Im fine and all is well. Then the thought comes that I have even considered it lately and I get anxious and WANT to do it. I dont just want to cut I want to do whatever. Scratch or whatever. Just to do it. I havent si'd in 4 long years and did soooo good. But this last yr or so I have struggled with the urges to do it again. All that really stops me?

Not wanting to get caught and ruining 4 yrs of being free. I know if I do it Ill regret but I also know I wont be able to do it just that once. I will be stuck in that pattern again. I am supposed to speak to a preacher for pastoral counseling thursday via the advice of a close preacher friend (his good friend basically). I am really nervous to talk about it. People react differently and Im afraid.

I dont want to do it but just sometimes I really do. I keep feeling like I am feeling better and then the thought gets in my head and I just want to do it even if Im no upset really.

BAH

Whats wrong with me?

What about psychotherapy Hallie?

Im talking to a pastoral counselor tomorrow morning. Its too late though.

Let me know how your appt. goes today?

I didnt get to speak with him. He called and let me know he was ill and we needed to reschedule. You know being in the Ohio Valley how allergies goes.