[Plutonian]

It's been a while since I've posted here. I've been a little more active in the Addictions forum the past week. Purposefully overdosed on the 20th, spent last week sick and detoxing. I've been sober a week and it feels good and bad. I feel overwhelmed right now, like I need to do something to quit thinking about drugs. I know if I try to go to sleep, I'll just lay awake for hours ruminating. Plus the detox allows for little to no sleep. Oh joy, the mess I've put myself in.

I found myself picking at my skin before I started this post. I've got callouses on the bottom of my feet from how I walk, I just sit and pick at those. I already exercised quite a bit today, too sore to do any more right now. I've turned to typing to keep my hands busy and away from picking. I cut my nails off today to prevent any scratching, as I noticed I was doing that last night while lying in bed. It's been about 19 months since I last cut myself and I had an immense urge about a month ago to just slice my wrists open even though I haven't cut on my wrists in about five years. I took deep breaths, grabbed a marker and started tracing the tattoos I have on my wrists, which were placed there to prevent myself from any more cutting there--don't want to ruin my art!

UGH. Just feel the need to have some sort of bad habit right now, I've been extremely stressed out this past winter. After about five months of sobriety last year, I returned to drug abuse (and I mean ABUSE) late November. Intoxication escalated beginning of January, loads of self-hatred. My therapy sessions went from once a month to once a week to twice a week pretty quickly since January. My therapist is on vacation next week, I saw her yesterday and it will be two weeks until I see her again. I am a little uneasy about that right now, but I'm trying to keep my chin up and trying not to do anything stupid (read: harmful) during that time period.

I've been trying to exercise any time I feel the urge for intoxication or si, go on a walk, do pushups, crunches, ride a bike, etc. It feels good doing that stuff, but it's just not the same as my other coping mechanisms, doesn't feel quite right. I've also been talking to my roommate, who has been super supportive this past week after I told her about my relapse, overdose, etc. But again, just doesn't feel the same. Blech.

TL;DR I feel like trash right now, trying hard not to harm myself.

[agma]

Sorry you are struggling so much right now. I'm glad that you at least have your room mate to talk to and that they are being supportive.

[Sannah]

Are you talking about your self hatred and stress in therapy? Issues are driving these needs for your addictions. Sounds like you are working really hard to avoid your addictions. Good work! Keep us posted on how you are doing?

[Plutonian]

Yea, I've been trying to unload everything that's been floating around my head lately to my therapist. I'm glad I had to work yesterday and today because my cravings for intoxication were through the roof. But this is my ninth day sober and I know I can go much longer than that, I just need to keep my mind focused on what's important to me right now.