[GypsyRosalie]

I have dissociation issues that include alters. One of us wrote this. I don't remember doing it, but it's in my notebook that no other separate person has ever seen. If typing triggers who it was that wrote it, he or she will sign at the bottom probably.
Cas

You look me in the eyes and I can see that you honestly do not understand. You cannot comprehend any need for a self-inflicted wound. I wish I could show you, just once, what i feel when the blood flows forth. Part of it is actually having control. I did it. I chose it. I opened my own flesh, and no one else had any control over it. Then, next, is the blood. The blood is so viciously hot, and my skin so icy cold. It takes away all rage, anger, fear, doubt, weakness, sadness, or any other discomfort. Rushing onto a blade, it's as if I'm no longer trapped in this fleshy prison. Finally is the time. All time slows. I can feel each cell separate from the one nearest it on the opposite side of that sharp blade. When my own skin is severed, I can lose myself and find myself at the same time. No need for tears. Only one liquid may flow, and it is much thicker. Tearing up does nothing to relieve the pain. Taking back control makes everything tolerable. But the look you give me is like the most intense form of pain that ripping my flesh won't take away. It's a look of such a deep level of care that you cannot take the thought of me in pain. It's all so misunderstood. I just wish you could see the reason I cannot promise I will quit. Substance addiction I could never understand, but this IS an addiction.

Alex

[mazing]

Having been there Alex I can completely understand. It is an addiction and is a very difficult thing to overcome, however if you really want to - and for your own reasons, not because of someone else - it is possible. It isn't easy but is possible and there are a lot of supports here for you if you ever want to talk.

Cas, I can undertand that this must be hard for you, and can't imagine how hard it must actually be - to see something like this and also be involved. I'm assuming that you don't struggle with SI as well (simply by the nature of the writing) and if I am wrong I apologise and please correct me. But I also want to let you know that you are always welcome to contact me if you wish to talk or gain further understanding.

Thank you for posting this. It explains very well an addiction that is very difficult to explain.

[GypsyRosalie]

We appreciate what you said. As far as I know, only one of my alters (who I've never even known the name of until today - Alex) has trouble with SI. I don't, but I feel the feelings Alex has. The first time Alex hurt me was very shocking. I assumed I'd just crashed into a wall; I didn't realize "I" had done it to myself.... I've got so many scars. I don't hate or blame Alex, but it's my body! That's what's frustrating.

[mazing]

I can understand that. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have control over it, but you seem to be handling it very well I really don't know what I can offer but really - the offer stands if you ever want to chat let me know. I can always listen.

[GypsyRosalie]

We really feel like you, as well as everyone here at PC, are helping us a lot. Cas (host) joined this group really recently, but she is already helping herself by allowing us time to write to her and letting us talk on here. As far as I know, all of us have at least one issue we are working with. Thank you. I would like to talk to you, as long as you don't mind everyone talking.
Nina

[mazing]

Hi Nina. I don't mind everyone talking at all. I'm always happy to talk to anyone who wishes to. I'm glad that you have been able to find some help here.

[Sannah]

Hi GypsyR, welcome to PC. I can support you here. I will read whatever you write here.