Does it count?

trigger warning SI description



I told T2 about SI thoughts. And. That I have SIed in the past. But I am so embarrassed. Because I don't really do anything. Like, baby cuts maybe. I have only a few scars after a decade of intermittent "SI"ing. Like, I don't really have a problem, I just want one for the attention or something.

Uhgh. It makes me feel disgusted with myself.

SI is anything you do intentionally to bring imediate harm to yourself

I used to repeatedly burn my arm in the same spot in hopes someone would notice it. Not exactly because I wanted to hurt myself, but because I felt that if people thought I did then I might matter more. I did it in the same small part so that I wouldn't end up with lots of scars, just one. That way I could kind of pass it off like it wasn't something I did for attention. Its been several years since then, but I still feel a little disgusted by it. I am a little frustrated every time I look at that spot on my forearm.

SI for attention is still SI, but why would you want attention for a negative thing?

It made sense at the time. I was in high school and my dad didn't notice me much. my step mom was pretentious and said she treated my sisters and I the same way she treated her own children, but she didn't. I'm not trying to make it into a Cinderella 'poor me' kind of story. Merely saying that my dad was preoccupied and as the youngest child who often felt left out and ignored, any kind of caring and attention was better than nothing.
My mom noticed when I came to visit her once, a few months after the fact. She went off on me and it just kind of made me feel worse. If it was so obvious to her, then why couldn't my dad see it when he was there on a daily basis? I made a point to roll up my sleeves and expose it to him if he chose to look, for example while I helped him wash dinner dishes.
It's a long gone desire, and I understand the errors of it. It's hard to explain... I knew at the time that it really wouldn't accomplish anything productive.... I just wanted to do it and see what would happen.

I'm not judging you or saying you were wrong, I was just trying to understand your thinking. how long ago was this?
I have actually cut for attention before. just to see if someone cared...

I'm supposed to know why I do it so I can have control over it, but I just don't know "WHY" I do it

do you remember why you started? what happened around that time?

Whether we do it to gain attention / love, or to deal with overwhelming emotions, I think we are still doing it as an attempt to change the way we feel (unloved / sad).

If that is the only strategy we have, then it is not about blaming ourselves or feeling guilty - who feels guilty about not knowing how to drive a car, if we have not learned to do something (like deal with feelings in a healthy way) then we have to start somewhere in terms of learning how to do it differently.

This of course is my rational head talking on a day that I am feeling relatively OK - on bad days, I also get those feelings of yukness about myself.

Why are you seeking attention? Identifying that need may help you to resolve your SI tenancies. I started out the same way. Why you are injured people tend to pay more attention to you. I started as a young child doing things to myself so my dad would pay attention to me. I am mostly good now and no longer do that...but I do slip up from time to time