[archenemy]

Hey everyone,
It's my first time here and i searched this forum cause i finally admitted that i might need some help. To be a little aware about my story. I'm an 18 guy. I hope you don't get bored and i really appreciate you guys reading this. It all started when i was little as i lived with my father -my parents divorced when i was 3-. My father was an alcoholic, drug addict, mentally ill and the devil is sane compared to him. During the time i was 6 till 12, those years were hell to me. I remember when i was 8, After an incident with my father, i run to my room and got the razor out of a pencil sharpner and cut both of my hands very deep and like 15 cm tall. I didn't even know self-harm or never seen one does it back then. I had to live with the scars, regret and depression all those years. After that i moved to live with my mother in another country. And i thought it's the end and everything is gonna be okay. But clearly i was wrong. Something f****ed up my mind back then. It started with depression, and i kinda used to it! But it keeps getting worse. I'm always anxious, irritated and tense as hell. Depression kept getting worse and worse esp last year. I started smoking and doing drugs -i thought that would help- and once again i was wrong. But nothing helped. After that, something weird came back to me. I'm having serious suicidal thoughts all the time, i imagine the whole thing and plan for it. And suddenly i remembered how i felt when i cut my hands when i was 8. So i started self-harming. It felt great at first, but then regret that leads you to cut even more. So i convinced myself that I'm just being silly and a pu***. I tried to change my life and started bodybuilding. I lost 68 pounds and kept going. I suffered a lot because it's hard to workout when you're depressed and can't get up from bed. But after losing weight i thought i conquered myself and I'm okay because i had 1 month free of all this stuff. Then i collapsed suddenly and cut myself really hard. This was like a shock to me. After that i surrendered and it kept really getting worse and worse. Last week i was completly fine and when i came from the gym i was really really tense and yelling for no reason. So i took a shower and tried to cool of. But out of nowhere i started crying and crying and i really thought about killing myself and for the first time i saw it really happening. Thank god that my old brother was with me in the room and noticed. I told him a month ago about all of this and he told me i should see a therapist.

What do you guys think? Do i need to see a therapist? Or i can heal on my own?
A therapist here in this country is very very veryyyyyy expensive and it would be hard to my mother so i would have to collect that money secretly before i tell her.
And i'm not sure he'd understand and understimate the issue.
What do you think i have? Will he give me med's?
Thanks for reading and really sorry for making this too long. Feel free to ask me anything to make it more clear.

[Sannah]

Hi AE, welcome to PC. I think that therapy would be really good. When you grow up in a good situation that was not good, it affects you and therapy helps you to work through this not helpful influence on you.

[Rose3]

Hi Archenemy - You sound hopeful that a therapist could be of some help for you, and I would think it a good idea to meet some of them, to find out which one would be a good fit for you. This therapist could be helpful for working on the depression and self-harm. I would worry that if you continue to injure yourself, then you might have an accident with more serious consequences that you anticipated. So why take chances? And welcome to the forum here.