*Trigger Warning* I'm scaring myself.

The last few weeks have been hell for me. I lost my mother for starters, but thats not i suppose the whole of it. I've been suffering from self harming and suicidal issues for about 5-6 years now. At the start of the year I had a severe overdose that damaged my health to the point of being kept in hospital for a month. I damaged my liver, stomach and throat through the things i took in.

I got slightly better, i still am quite ill along with a current brain tumor but i did get mentally better. However now.. I'm not. Its not my mother that brought on these feelings, i was feeling them slightly before just not so bad. I've had an on off relationship with a girl i consider one of the closest people to me, being completely honest she and one other person are the only people i've let close to me. Well the girl now seems to be.. well.. she doesn't seem to be very interested anymore. My mother was a huge part of my life, she was the glue to my family really and she provided every bit of support i could have asked for despite our disagreements at times. Losing her, and now losing the girl too it just.. pushed me.

After an argument with said girl, I spent Tuesday night and the majority of Wednesday with over 20 boxes of various tablets in front of me, contemplating. I cut severely, so much the majority of them are still very sore and purple. I was deadly serious about doing it. I got scared, so i phoned a few people, just to chat really, keep me busy, but they all told me they were busy and to phone back tomorrow. I don't usually ring people, so when i do they know its important. Well that pushed me further. I took a few, then luckily my dog started to pine to go out, so i took him for a few hours but the urges were still there. Every road i walked across, every high level i got to. When i got home idk, i kept trying but i couldnt bring myself to do it and i dont know why. im scared its only a matter of time before i do.

I've had problems with my alcoholic intake for years, however in times of no stress i stop, high stressed times i drink so much it pretty much makes up for the time of not drinking. Thats another contribution to my ill health. I stopped after i damaged my liver with the overdose in February minus a few relapses however lately i've been back to drinking. I haven't in the last few days and I feel awful, but im trying to stay away from it but its hard to avoid temptation.

I suppose, I've lost a lot of people in a short space of time to death. my mother and my uncle, being two of the most crucial parts of my life, i feel like the majority of people that cared about me are gone and all i feel like now is a burden. I mean if i'm like this, what use am i to my family? People keep saying just keep trying and trying, but half of the things that have happened cant be changed and aren't just going to get better. I just dont know what to do.

I'm seeing a psych but the earliest appointment is next week, but i dont feel like they help me very much, i prefer talking to people with the personal experience so they know exactly what i mean as opposed to reading and learning what to say and do from text books. Idk, i feel lost. I'm only 19 but i feel so much older.

Hi Kaioken, getting better doesn't mean changing the past. It is about learning to work through grief and figuring out what is missing for you that will make your life better.

I'm glad you have a T. Why do you think that they aren't helping?