[jadedrose325]

I was 16 when I started cutting. Little tiny cuts on the side of my wrist that only a few people bothered to notice. By 17 I'd moved to my legs. Hundreds of vicious scratches and a dozen or so deep cuts. I knew my limits, so that I wouldn't end up in the hospital, but I could still relieve my inner pain. Then I met my husband who forced me to quit. I had a baby and started feeling down again. I cut myself only once more and my husband told me if I ever did again he'd have me commited and I'd never see my child again. That was good enough of a deterence for me. Then I had another baby who for the life of me HATED sleeping at night. She would cry no matter what or just fuss. The fussing was the worst. I would stand there and watch her wanting to go to bed, but didn't know what she was going to do. Without realizing it I started picking at scabs. At the time I thought it was normal. Pop a zit, get rid of the scab. What I didn't realize is that I was making up the zits and just making up places to scratch and pick at. It took me 8 months to realize it was a coping skill similar to cutting. I wanted the pain and the blood. By this realization I was 22 and was forced to admit to myself that I never really did quit cutting. I stopped for a while. And then again I did the same thing. I started picking without realizing it. By the time I realized it I had scars all over my arms, shoulders, and back. I know how to stop cutting. But this is different. It's not going to put me in any sort of danger. It just makes me look uglier than I already am. I know I should stop, but I keep doing it without realizing it. I thought I was strong, but I just don't know anything anymore.
Anyone else have similar issues? Or changes in their behavior?

[shezbut]

I can just relate, jadedrose.

I am sorry that you're feeling addicted to picking. It is an incredibly difficult habit to break! I used to do the same thing, after the birth of my second baby as well. Since then (almost 8 years later) and I still avoid cameras like the plague! Looking at pictures taken in the really hard times, I am disgusted with myself and embaressed (sp??)!!

Whenever I catch myself picking, scratching, or popping, I immediately stop and sit on my hands. I have to try to think about something completely different than whatever I was thinking about beforehand. That helps me. I won't even allow myself to touch myself unless I'm applying soap, water, or sunscreen. I tried make-up, that didn't help at all. Only brought my self-image down lower & temptation to scratch went up!

I hope that this helps you ~ things will get better. It seems to last f-o-r-e-v-e-r in the moment, I recall. But, it WILL pass & your skin will slowly clear up and the red will fade as time passes. But, you're going to have to be very gentle with your skin to see the improvement.

((((jadedrose))))

[Nemo39122]

Sort of. I'm 19 now, I stopped cutting for awhile when I was around 16 and without realizing it was also self-injury, I switched to overdosing on pills...mostly things that would make me hallucinate or distract me from reality in some way. I eventually started cutting again while doing that, and eventually just went back to cutting. Now when I have access to alcohol on anything resembling a regular basis, it starts becoming a replacement for cutting.

I agree with the idea many have that self-injury is a type of addiction, and like with other addictions if you just stop abruptly you will switch to something else. For example, I have heard (I don't have proof, so don't hurt me if I'm wrong lol) that drug addicts often start smoking after they quit drugs. I know many smokers who started compulsively eating after they stopped smoking.

Work on the reasons behind your self-injury and the feelings that come up right before the urges come up...that's what helped me stop for nearly a year recently.

[jadedrose325]

Thank you! Both of you soo much! It's good to know I'm not the only one who has compulsively picked. I thought I was insane, weird, dirty, and disgusting. My husband hasn't made the connection yet that it's a compulsion or that it's related to self injury. My goal is to stop before he does. I'm scared he'll leave or won't love me or will look down on me or something if he knows the truth.

Thanks again Shezbut and Nemo

[Nemo39122]

Oh, I should also mention that I compulsively picked at scabs even from my early childhood. I now believe it was an early form of self-injury for me because I liked seeing the blood and it calmed me down/distracted me...I was a very anxious kid. So yeah, you're not the only one.

[jadedrose325]

That's really amazing to know. Thank you again.