[whenwillitend]

So, I haven't cut to SI in well over a year. Great, huh? BUT, within the last two weeks I have twice attempted sui by (I don't know if I can say that here?) cutting my wrists. They were deep cuts both times, the second time way worse than the first time.

Now my problem is, it's like the spell is broken. I want/need to do it again. Not to die though. It scares me, because now I know I'm capable of going deep, and how satisfying it is. I'm scared that from here on they will get deeper and deeper until there is permanent damage of any kind. I came very close to damaging some tendons last week. The doctors kept checking my fingers to make sure everything still works.

My T dropped me after last week. I have an appt with my new T on Wednesday, but I don't know if I can start out with something like that. It takes me a long time to start trusting someone.

I still have a pack of razor blades that the police/paramedics/firedepartment/ER people didn't find. I know I should get rid of it, but I just can't bring myself to do that. It's like that angel-devil on the shoulders thing.

I'm just really worried about this.

[Sannah]

Yeah, I'm worried about you too. What do you need WWIE?

[whenwillitend]

I don't know. After more than a year of being embarrassed about my scars and wishing I could somehow get rid of them, I'm back to not giving a hoot if my arms are bandaged or I have huge scars on my arms. I just don't care what other people think.

It's just such a huge setback.

[Sannah]

Do you still have a therapist?

[whenwillitend]

I'm in between therapists. My old one dropped me after last week, but I have an appt with a new T tomorrow.

[Sannah]

Keep us posted on how this new T session goes?

[whenwillitend]

i like the new t. she was appalled that my old t dropped me just like that, she said "we are here to help!!".
she also told me that she is an expert in PTSD and EMDR, and that she doesnt' really like meds (but also that she would never tell someone to go off their meds and that she knows that it's beneficial for some people) and believes that with therapy most people can come off their meds eventually, or at least reduce them. (my old t had a similar attitude.)
she said she's the one who takes the "hopeless" cases, the clients that no other therapist will touch with a ten foot pole. (in other words though.)
she said she could tell i'm guarded and have trust issues (very true), so we're going to spend the first few sessions just talking and getting to know each other before we start tackling the more difficult stuff.
and she said she's going to make a treatment plan and plan every session in advance. that's something i've never had before!!!

i'm feelikng a teeny tad more hopeful, i think she might actually be able to achieve something.

[Sannah]

Great news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!