[Nemo39122]

...I'm doing right now, by posting this. I hate whining about how much I want to hurt myself in a stupid little thread no one will really care about, on a stupid little website that I'm tempted to quit and never log back into every single day I log in or join the chat rooms.

I guess I could try one of those little online crisis lines, but it says no one is available. They think I'm a freak anyway. I'm too much of a coward to actually call a crisis line. I have people IRL that I could talk to, but I won't. They know about the cutting, but they don't know about the reason behind it right now. I can't tell them. They'll think I'm a freak. Probably because I am.

It's just another one of those nights...those nights where things get so bad that I literally feel sick to my stomach. It's almost hard to breathe...like my own thoughts and feelings escaped and are now physically crushing me. The only thing non-self destructive that helps is sitting here on the couch, shaking like an idiot. I don't know if its voluntary or not. But I know what would help so much more...

I thought I was getting past the cutting issue. I started having people who care. I have someone who cares enough to want me to text/call/email/whatever whenever I want to hurt myself, in hopes that I could avoid it somehow. But I can't. I can't explain why I am this way. I don't even really know why, how can I make others understand?

I can't tell them how I wish I could just rip out of my own skin, because it's not me. But I should just get over that, right? I should just go back to repressing it like I used to. Or did I? Maybe I never did and I'm just whining. Maybe some of the people here I actually did talk to about it were right. Maybe I always was a girl and I still am. Maybe I have no reason to feel the other way. I should just get over it. It feels like something must have gotten mixed up before I was born, but no one is born perfect so I just have to deal with it.

But I guess the way I deal with things is the real problem here. I should just toughen up and act like a girl, dress like a girl, even though it kills me inside. Instead I just sit here whining, staring at the veins in my wrists wondering what would happen if I just...slipped...

[Onward2wards]

Triggers, triggers, triggers ... tell me about it. And getting fed up with my own whining, yet the whining is a legitimate need to vent also. I hear ya ((( Nemo )))

Be who you want to be, define your own self, and to heck with what other people think. This is easier said than done for me too, and I don't always know why.

[shinkikker]

Originally Posted by Nemo39122

I guess I could try one of those little online crisis lines, but it says no one is available. They think I'm a freak anyway. I'm too much of a coward to actually call a crisis line. I have people IRL that I could talk to, but I won't.

Dude, I have been there. I was there last night. Literally, same exact situation. It really sucks.

I'm thinking of you, and I, including everyone else here, am more than willing to listen.

[AngelWolf3]

I definitely don't think you are whining...but I totally know how you feel...thinking of you today...