[Angelornot]

I want to cut. But I also want to never cut again. and I feel depressed but I'm afraid if I hurt myself I'll only feel worse. But I don't know what else to do. ugh.

do you have someone you can talk to?

something safe to distract you...?

how you feeling now

I understand. Make a list of what the good and bad things of cutting are. Or the reasons of why you wanna cut. It might help. Also, try to distract yourself for as long as possible. I know one way that has worked for 6 years I usually will say I won't cut for a minute (hour 2 hours day 2 days) it sometimes works. *hugs* hang in there.

[Sannah]

Do you understand what is triggering your urges?

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by Angelornot

I want to cut. But I also want to never cut again. and I feel depressed but I'm afraid if I hurt myself I'll only feel worse. But I don't know what else to do. ugh.

For lack of another word, sometimes there is an aura of sorts before the incident. Mine was always finding myself noticing sharp things that I'd passed every day and never took notice of. Another was an increasing feeling of being trapped with no way out.

What we choose to do in life stays with us and follows us longer than we wish it would. Although I wouldn't really call cutting a choice, who would want to do that, the backlash leaves us with unexplainable scars, and occassionally a miscalculation that lands us in the hospital. Studies in suicide have shown that there are only minutes between the thought and the action, giving little time to interviene. If you have any kind of aura, and can recognize it, that is the time to call for help.

SI generally comes from some inner emotional pain that we can't deal with. Instead of standing up for ourselves or telling people that we need help, we turn all those feelings around and let loose on ourselves. Somewhere along the line, you've convinced yourself that you are somehow worth less than other people. My guess is that you would never do to someone else what you have done to yourself. Regardless of how awful someone has been or what they have done.

I honestly don't know that SI can be overcome without help. It is a coping mechanism that sacrifices our bodies to save our emotional selves. Finding the underlying cause is not easy. It means opening doors that you have closed and locked long ago and are perceived as a serious threat to your psyche. It may not be the best time to find a counsellor to help you crack open those doors as your own pace, but waiting will only make unlocking those doors more difficult.
Don't be ashamed of what you are doing. It is no different than a physical ailment and not something you started because you wanted to. Society doesn't understand those of us who commit violent acts against ourselves, but that is their problem. The important thing is for you to see it for what it is, a physical reaction to an overwhelming emotional stress, and find someone to help you stop it.

Sam2

[Angelornot]

I hate just putting it off. I'd rather never cut again, or do it now. I don't see what difference a few hours or a few days makes. I really don't know what triggers it, it's like one minute I'm happy and the next it's all I can think about.

[ickydog2006]

Just thought I'd post this again, hope it helps. I know it's really hard when it feels like you are just prolonging the inevitable. Hang in there.

So what do I do instead?

You can increase the chances that a distraction/substitution will help calm the urge to self- injure by matching what you do to how you are feeling at the moment.
First, take a few moments and look behind the urge. What are you feeling? Are you angry? Frustrated? Restless? Sad? Craving the feeling of SI? Depersonalized and unreal or numb? Unfocused? Next, match the activity to the feeling. A few examples:
· Angry, frustrated, restless
(These strategies work better sometimes if you talk to the object you are cutting/ tearing/ hitting. Start slowly, explaining why you're hurt and angry. It's okay if you end up ranting or yelling; it can help a lot to vent feelings that way.)
Try something physical and violent, something not directed at a living thing:
o Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock.
o Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at. Cut and tear it instead of yourself.
o Flatten aluminum cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go.
o Hit a punching bag.
o Use a pillow to hit a wall, pillow-fight style.
o Rip up an old newspaper or phone book.
o On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture.
o Make Play-Doh or Sculpey or other clay models and cut or smash them.
o Get a few packages of Silly-Putty or some physical therapy putty and squeeze it, bounce it off a wall, stretch it and then snap it.
o Throw ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to shatter it.
o Break sticks.
o Crank up some music and dance.
o Clean your room (or your whole house).
o Go for a walk/ jog/ run.
o Stomp around in heavy shoes.
o Play handball or tennis.

· Sad, soft, melancholy, depressed, unhappy
o Do something slow and soothing, like taking a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles, curling up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book, babying yourself somehow.
o Do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted.
o Light sweet-smelling incense.
o Listen to soothing music.
o Smooth nice body lotion into the parts of yourself you want to hurt.
o Call a friend and just talk about things that you like.
o Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read.
o Visit a friend.

· Craving sensation, feeling depersonalized, dissociating, feeling unreal
Do something that creates a sharp physical sensation:
o Squeeze ice hard (this really hurts). (Note: putting ice on a spot you want to burn gives you a strong painful sensation and leaves a red mark afterward, kind of like burning would.)
o Put a finger into a frozen food (like ice cream) or put ice, water, and salt in a pitcher and put your hand in it for a few seconds.
o Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of gingerroot.
o Rub liniment under your nose.
o Slap a tabletop hard.
o Snap your wrist with a rubber band.
o Take a cold bath.
o Stomp your feet on the ground.
o Focus on how it feels to breathe. Notice the way your chest and stomach move with each breath.

· Wanting focus
o Do a task (a computer game like Tetris, writing a computer program, needlework, etc.) that is exacting and requires focus and concentration.
o Eat a raisin mindfully. Pick it up, noticing how it feels in your hand. Look at it carefully; see the asymmetries and think about the changes the grape went through. Roll the raisin in your fingers and notice the texture; try to describe it. Bring the raisin up to your mouth, paying attention to how it feels to move your hand that way. Smell the raisin; what does it remind you of? How does a raisin smell? Notice that you're beginning to salivate, and see how that feels. Open your mouth and put the raisin in, taking time to think about how the raisin feels to your tongue. Chew slowly, noticing how the texture and even the taste of the raisin change as you chew it. Are there little seeds or stems? How is the inside different from the outside? Finally, swallow.
o Choose an object in the room. Examine it carefully and then write as detailed a description of it as you can. Include everything: size, weight, texture, shape, color, possible uses, feel, etc.
o Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses for it.
o Pick a subject and research it on the web.

· Wanting to see blood
o Draw on yourself with a red felt-tip pen.
o Take a small bottle of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by dropping it into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place you want to cut. Draw the bottle in a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food color trickle out.
o Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice that you've made by dropping six or seven drops of red food color into each of the ice-cube tray wells.
o Paint on yourself with red tempera paint or a red lip-liner pen.

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