[poison0ak]

so hard to control. so hard to resist. not sure how else to put it...

wishing i could give in to them, but i know i cant. just a jumbled mess.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by poison0ak

so hard to control. so hard to resist. not sure how else to put it...

wishing i could give in to them, but i know i cant. just a jumbled mess.

Looks like you have a pile of things to deal with. You are right, it is a jumbled mess. Getting rid of even one can seem an impossible task. One leads to another, and looking at your concerns, some could actually be symptoms of having a borderline personality. Psychiatry is still so dependant on how much the therapist is told. I don't know if you have ever taken that several pages long test some shrinks use to help diagnose problems, but one told me years ago that there are built in questions designed to see if the patient isn't answering truthfully. I have my doubts.

At any rate, I'm assuming that the thing you are trying so hard to resist is SI. The behavior is a lot like a drug. The first few times you take it, you feel better, as if the load you are carrying has been lightened. But, like drugs, its insidius. Before you know it, you can no longer walk away from it. Problem is, it no longer does what it used to, so the incidents get more and more frequent and usually escalate in severity. When I started, over four decades ago, it was just holding a red hot nail head against my arm to see how long I could take it. At the time, I had no idea why I was doing it. Thirty years later, I was cutting through skin, fat and muscle in one fell swoop. By that time, I knew why. I'd feel trapped, but there was no one to fight off, no reasonable cause for feeling that way, yet still, I did it.

Like you, at one time I was diagnosed with borderline personality. I held a lot back though. Never told the therapist. Maybe if I had, things would be different. I'm telling you this because I hate seeing people on the same road, headed towards more pain and damage. Time goes by so fast, and when there is a problem that causes us so much emotional pain that we take it out on ourselves, we try to put it off. I'll fix it tomorrow, just one more time. That sort of thing. The problem is, there really isn't as much time as we think. Whether you know it or not, you are worth saving.

Emotional and psychiatric problems are still misunderstood by the general public. If you had appendicitis, no one would really be bothered by it. No one would walk away and friends wouldn't drift. You would be a person with appendicitis. When its emotional or psychiatric, you tend to be labled by your illness first and as a person second. No one wants to talk about it. Friends start to leave you. In truth, its no different than a physical ailment, yet we feel ashamed. We all hear the jokes, the rumors, the whispers.

Don't let yourself become your illness first in your own mind. You are creative, so you are probably sensitive as well. That isn't a bad thing. It just means that you feel more than many people. I know its hard to trust, to reach out. The fear of making a connection and then losing it. You've made a big step coming here. Its safe, no one really knows who you are. Talking online is a lot like talking to someone in a car at night when you are out driving. You can't see faces and that somehow makes it easier.

Please don't misinterpret this as my saying that what you are going through is trivial. It isn't. You didn't ask for this, and God knows no one would choose to feel the way that you do. Fighting your way out isn't easy, but please keep at it. It doesn't matter if its here or at your therapist's, reach out. When those urges get so strong you think you can't resist them, come here or call someone. You have more to give than you think and there is a way out of the darkness. You just have to feel around until you find it.

Sam2

[Sannah]

Do you understand what causes your urges?

[poison0ak]

Originally Posted by Sam2

Looks like you have a pile of things to deal with. You are right, it is a jumbled mess. Getting rid of even one can seem an impossible task. One leads to another, and looking at your concerns, some could actually be symptoms of having a borderline personality. Psychiatry is still so dependant on how much the therapist is told. I don't know if you have ever taken that several pages long test some shrinks use to help diagnose problems, but one told me years ago that there are built in questions designed to see if the patient isn't answering truthfully. I have my doubts.

At any rate, I'm assuming that the thing you are trying so hard to resist is SI. The behavior is a lot like a drug. The first few times you take it, you feel better, as if the load you are carrying has been lightened. But, like drugs, its insidius. Before you know it, you can no longer walk away from it. Problem is, it no longer does what it used to, so the incidents get more and more frequent and usually escalate in severity. When I started, over four decades ago, it was just holding a red hot nail head against my arm to see how long I could take it. At the time, I had no idea why I was doing it. Thirty years later, I was cutting through skin, fat and muscle in one fell swoop. By that time, I knew why. I'd feel trapped, but there was no one to fight off, no reasonable cause for feeling that way, yet still, I did it.

Like you, at one time I was diagnosed with borderline personality. I held a lot back though. Never told the therapist. Maybe if I had, things would be different. I'm telling you this because I hate seeing people on the same road, headed towards more pain and damage. Time goes by so fast, and when there is a problem that causes us so much emotional pain that we take it out on ourselves, we try to put it off. I'll fix it tomorrow, just one more time. That sort of thing. The problem is, there really isn't as much time as we think. Whether you know it or not, you are worth saving.

Emotional and psychiatric problems are still misunderstood by the general public. If you had appendicitis, no one would really be bothered by it. No one would walk away and friends wouldn't drift. You would be a person with appendicitis. When its emotional or psychiatric, you tend to be labled by your illness first and as a person second. No one wants to talk about it. Friends start to leave you. In truth, its no different than a physical ailment, yet we feel ashamed. We all hear the jokes, the rumors, the whispers.

Don't let yourself become your illness first in your own mind. You are creative, so you are probably sensitive as well. That isn't a bad thing. It just means that you feel more than many people. I know its hard to trust, to reach out. The fear of making a connection and then losing it. You've made a big step coming here. Its safe, no one really knows who you are. Talking online is a lot like talking to someone in a car at night when you are out driving. You can't see faces and that somehow makes it easier.

Please don't misinterpret this as my saying that what you are going through is trivial. It isn't. You didn't ask for this, and God knows no one would choose to feel the way that you do. Fighting your way out isn't easy, but please keep at it. It doesn't matter if its here or at your therapist's, reach out. When those urges get so strong you think you can't resist them, come here or call someone. You have more to give than you think and there is a way out of the darkness. You just have to feel around until you find it.

Sam2

sam2 -

i do actually have bpd. and yes, it is like a drug. unfortunately ive been struggling with this for the past 12 years. its tough. yes.. i am talking about the si/sh... my problem is when im resisting, it builds and builds to the point to where i cannot take it anymore, im afraid it gets more extreme. :/

i appreciate all the help.

[poison0ak]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you understand what causes your urges?

sannah - sometimes. sometimes not. the main reason is because i do it as a.. self medication almost. i feel as if im dirty and deserve to be punished. so, when i release and bleed, i feel that evil, vile, poison leaving my body and as if im doing something right..

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by poison0ak

my problem is when im resisting, it builds and builds to the point to where i cannot take it anymore, im afraid it gets more extreme. :/

This can happen, this is why it is so important to work on the reasons for the urges.

Originally Posted by poison0ak

the main reason is because i do it as a.. self medication almost. i feel as if im dirty and deserve to be punished. so, when i release and bleed, i feel that evil, vile, poison leaving my body and as if im doing something right..

So working on why you feel dirty and deserve to be punished would be a good place to start.