[deciphering]

Someone very close to me does SI. I am at a loss about how to support them. My heart breaks every time I see the injuries. Depression and anxiety are also in the mix for that person. I am on the edge and my feelings just keep building. I feel so troubled about my feelings because they seem in conflict with each other. For example, on one side I have patience and sensitivity, but I also have fear and anger. The fear seems at times to take over everything. Fear that the person will die. Fear that this will go on for a long time. Fear that the SI will become worse. Anger is coming out also. I don't understand what makes a person want to cut themselves open and inflict pain on themselves willingly. I feel like all those cuts are cuts on my body - only I don't feel any better. I feel much worse. I encourage the person not to hide it, but it's so upsetting to see the damage. I try not to let it show but them after stuffing my feelings down I feel like I'm dying a slow death. I feel like I'm sinking under and there's no hope about getting out. It's a constant nightmare that never ends. I imagine it must be the same for the person who SI's. As I understand it, nothing this person has tried to distract themselves from injuring works - at least that's what they say. I feel like the SI has become an convenient way for them to cope with things rather than walk through whatever the situation is. I'm afraid - all the time. Afraid to go out, afraid to have a life, afraid what I might find when I get back, afraid to hope. I feel like my life force has been zapped from my body and there's no getting it back. I don't know what to do. I'm therapy for me, but my reality is all too frightening. I'm at a loss about what to do for the SI person or myself. If the person that does SI sees that I'm upset about it, it makes it worse for them. Then I have even more guilt that I may have cause more pain for that person. I'm going nowhere fast. I'm drowning and I need some support. Thanks for listening.

Hi welcome.

I am on both sides of the coin. I self injure and I have a loved one that self injures. From my side of it - sometimes I need that self inflicted pain. See if I am focusing on the pain that I am doing myself I don't have to feel the pain that someone else has inflicted on me. The pain of others on m e are memories and the pain I inflict is present and real. so its also a way to remind myself of which is real right now and which is the memory. Its also about choice. back then I didn't have a choice in what happened to me. But now Im the one in control. Im the one that says when and how I get hurt or feel pain. Its kind of like I tell my therapist about pain when I got hit by a car and she asked if I was in pain from it I told her - I don't have to feel pain unless I want to. Its the frame of mind that no one and nothing but me can hurt me now kind of thing.

Your friend is right all those coping tools are not going to help unless they want them to help Self injury is as much mental as it is physical. Self injury is an adiction just like drinking and drugs. The person must want and need to get better not only on the physical end but also on the psychological end before the intervention will help.

The coping tools are not helping the person because somewhere inside her/him there is something keeping the person from hitting that psychological rock bottom of needing and wanting to stop. The person may not even know what that something is yet because they are so full of other pain and memories burying why the craving and urge for harm is there.

On the loved one side of things yea it hurts knowing my own child is a self injurer and theres nothing I can do to help him, or stop him. All I can do is hope I don't get a call one night from DHS saying well he finally went too far we need you to make funeral arrangements.

You can talk until you turn blue red and purple and it won't do anything but make the person self injuring make promises they will not be able to keep and in the end hide what they are doing from you. The best thing you can do is leave that part of the persons life alone unless they come to you to talk about it. and when they do show you care but dont say anything for or against what they are doing. remain neutral. Like drug and alcohol it is the persons problem to take care of or not.

Hang in there. rock bottom and wanting and needing to stop does come but at the self injurers healing process rate.

[Rapunzel]

Welcome to Psych Central!

First of all, I would like to thank you for being concerned. I am sure that it means something to your loved one that you care, even if he or she isn't ready to stop and feels pressure from you sometimes. We all need someone to care about us. Please also understand that this is not something that is done with intention to hurt you. I know you didn't say that you felt that way, but you are feeling very hurt. I just want you to know that you being hurt isn't what it is about.

There are so many reasons why people SI. Basically what it comes down to is not knowing a better way to cope. And it's not so easy to let go of one's only coping strategy (or best - sometimes there is a fear of it being replaced with something worse, as we have to have something).

It's a little hard to answer this post because I'm just not sure what would help you. You asked for support, and I can acknowledge that this hurts you too, especially when you are also dealing with your own issues. That is because you are a caring person, which is a good thing. I feel bad too when my actions hurt someone else, so I can also empathize with your loved one.

A good friend of mine made a webpage about self-injury. She has a page there for loved ones. Here is the link. The Cocoon Maybe something there will help you too.

Rap

[deciphering]

Thanks for responding. I will definitely check out the site. I have had no one to speak to about this, so just doing some writing to people who may choose to respond is helpful.

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC.

When the pain inside gets greater than what someone is prepared to contend with then SI may be the only coping mechanism they have found available to them.

They are really lucky that they have someone who is as concerned as you are and trying to be supportive. Hopefully you will come to where you are able to support them without causing yourself distress. This has nothing to do with someone wanting to cause you pain but may be the only way they know how to deal with their feelings. I hope both of you remain safe.