surviving the urge

Does anybody have any suggestions for how to ride out an overwhelming urge to SI?

I go to therapy twice a week (major depression-recurrent and PTSD), and this week has been spent trying to educate my young (but very sharp) therapist on the feelings and thought patterns of a self-injurer. He's a truly caring and thoughtful person and he said that thanks to me he understands much better now.

However, talking about it for 2 hours within the last 24, when I was already really wrestling with the urge, has about put me over the edge. I know all the things I could/should do. But do you ever get into the "f everybody, I don't care, I'm doing this anyway" mode? That's about where I am. The only thing stopping me is that it would kill me to disappoint my therapist. (maybe I"m projecting? :-) I haven't cut in several months and would be disappointing myself too.

I dunno. Not sure if I need answers more than a chance to talk to people who know what I"m talking about.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

Here's one thing to try and see if it's right for you. Ask yourself these questions:

1. <LI>Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
   <LI>Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
   <LI>What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
   <LI>How do I feel right now?
   <LI>How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
   <LI>How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
   <LI>Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
   <LI>Do I need to hurt myself?

They are from this website: <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/fself.html>http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/fself.html</A> and there are other ideas there too that might help.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

LOL you know what's funny? I just sent the link for Secret Shame to my T. :-)

We spent the hour today trying to answer those very questions, and I have that page bookmarked. But sometimes there just isn't a good answer, or at least not one I want to tell myself.

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

First I want to Welcome you to the forums. I am glad you have found our little group. If I have already welcomed you forgive my forgetfulness, I am in a tense situation right now.

There is some speculation that SI is an addictive activity. It releases an opiate like chemical in the brain that the body starts craving. Perhaps the indepth discussion about self injury has triggered an addictive craving. For instance I haven't smoked since last August but whenever I see someone in a movie take a nice long drag of a cigarette I crave it like nobody's business. I have found thinking of it this way I am more able to sit with the craving and not act on it because I am trying to stop an addiction. It gives the discomfort a purpose.
Carrie


<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

Thanks Carrie, for the welcome and the information both.

I had never thought of it as an addiction before, but it makes sense and it does help. Maybe the indepth talking about it has bumped up the urge, but I also wrestle PTSD and in the last few weeks it's been winning -- heavy on the flashbacks, nightmares, etc. Cutting has always worked for me before as a means of eliminating overwhelming emotional stress, and I think that's a large part of what's making me think of turning to it again.

Then I look at the scars on my arm, and wonder if I really want to add to them. People already think I'm enough of a freak.

I haven't tried journaling on a regular basis (given that I write for a living, I don't really want to do it in my spare time!), but I can't think of other good outlets. Talking to someone almost never works, because nobody but other self-injurers understands the need -- "other" people freak out about it. The shrinks are big on physical activity, but I have two jobs and frequently work nights and weekends, and I'd really rather be sleeping when I have the chance instead of going out for a walk. Have you tried anything else that works?

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

Video Games! My favorite right now is Diablo. I can get on and kill a thousand monsters with massive powers of distruction. I am playing as an Assasin right now. I just got the trick of clouding the monsters minds so while they wander around trying to figure out where I am I wreck havoc on them with my cobra strike and dragon tail finishing move that sucks out their life force and mana thus healing me. I have also aquired a shadowself who fights by my side and have had an amazon who has watched my back since the first act even though she has died 8 million times and I have had to ressurect her repeatedly.

I know it is all silly but for an hour I can pour my aggression into the destruction of tons of evil minions who take the place of all those pains and fears that plague me. For an hour I have two people who will watch my back and try to help me destroy those who would destroy me. For an hour I am rewarded with armour, weapons and gold. I gain strength and abilities. When the time is up, because of the repetative nature of the game my mind is caught in a loop and continues to not focus on my other problems. Why do I say "for an hour"? I believe for me videos games could become addictive so I have decided that limiting myself is important. I set a timer so I don't loose track of time. I have been on a video game for over 3 hours in one sitting before so caution is neccessary.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft