[Neptune83]

I have self harmed since I was twelve (I'm now 30), off and on over the years. I hadn't done anything for two and a half years and back when I met my husband in 2010, I promised him I wouldn't do it again. Initially, he said he'd leave me if I ever did it again. But not long after said he just said that to stop me doing it because he couldn't stand the thought of me hurting myself.
I've explained that its been the only way I know how to manage. When I've done it in the past it's almost like there's another person in my head, telling me to do it and another trying to talk me out of it. Last night, the one who tells me to do it won. I wasn't me as I am now, talking to you. It was like someone else took over. I am aware that my husband and I argued and apparently I got extremely angry, saying some terrible things, I just flipped again. I never remember specifics, just a feeling of rage. I remember a feeling that it was taking over my mind and my body, and now I've ended up doing it again.
I don't know how to tell my husband, I don't know if he'll be angry, upset, leave me, blame himself or what.
I've managed to avoid this but it just took over last night and I just felt compelled to do it. It's stupid because me right now, wouldn't do it at all. Even though I'm stressed and anxious, it's not something I'd do now to cope. It seems to be when this other angry me takes over, it takes over everything. I become evil. I'm so scared how he'll react, I don't even know how to tell him but obviously I have to, I can't hide it forever.

[Neptune83]

Sorry, I find it hard to explain. Probably why I haven't a clue how to tell hubby.

[beautifulfreak]

Originally Posted by Neptune83

I have self harmed since I was twelve (I'm now 30), off and on over the years. I hadn't done anything for two and a half years and back when I met my husband in 2010, I promised him I wouldn't do it again. Initially, he said he'd leave me if I ever did it again. But not long after said he just said that to stop me doing it because he couldn't stand the thought of me hurting myself.
I've explained that its been the only way I know how to manage. When I've done it in the past it's almost like there's another person in my head, telling me to do it and another trying to talk me out of it. Last night, the one who tells me to do it won. I wasn't me as I am now, talking to you. It was like someone else took over. I am aware that my husband and I argued and apparently I got extremely angry, saying some terrible things, I just flipped again. I never remember specifics, just a feeling of rage. I remember a feeling that it was taking over my mind and my body, and now I've ended up doing it again.
I don't know how to tell my husband, I don't know if he'll be angry, upset, leave me, blame himself or what.
I've managed to avoid this but it just took over last night and I just felt compelled to do it. It's stupid because me right now, wouldn't do it at all. Even though I'm stressed and anxious, it's not something I'd do now to cope. It seems to be when this other angry me takes over, it takes over everything. I become evil. I'm so scared how he'll react, I don't even know how to tell him but obviously I have to, I can't hide it forever.

I think you explained really well what your situation is and how you are feeling about it now. I can totally relate to that feeling of rage and how the anger takes over.

I know your husband only had your best interests at heart… but was it fair for him to tell you that he would leave if you did it again and then tell you he only said that to make you stop?

No one can know how he will react when you tell him. I just hope that he is gentle and understanding and that ye must both mind each other.

My P doesn't want me any more, I have totally messed up the relationship. Although someone did point out to me recently that it up to him to look after himself too. It's not just completely my fault. I don't know.

I hope it works out. I admire you for being so honest and open in your relationship.

Let us know how things go.

[Moodswing]

Why do you need to tell him?

[Gr3tta]

i think you explained to us very well. can you show hubby this post maybe?
sorry you slipped up, but remember it doesn't have to turn into anything more. *hugs*

[Neptune83]

Thanks everyone
I totally understand where he was coming from when he said that, scared to see me do that to myself. I wouldn't want him to, there's been two occasions where he's been so hurt and distressed that he self harmed, he'd never done it before and I was heartbroken to see him hurt himself like that. For him, it never turned into anything, it was more a heat of the moment thing, whereas with myself this is how it always begins. Starts off small, then ends up becoming out of hand.
I felt I had to say something in case he saw, in case I slipped up and also because no matter how hard I try to hide anything from him he always knows if something isn't right. I don't know how he knows, but he does. I've always been able to hide this and everything else from everyone, except him. It's odd, we seem to know exactly what each other are thinking without having to say a word and I've never had this with anyone before.
I told him, he often has to drag things out of me because I want to protect him from any stress or worry. He was very different from how I imagined, he wasn't cross. He was very understanding and listened to me. The only thing I did think he'd do which he did was blame himself for it. He said he should have stayed awake all night to make sure I was ok, but I said that was ridiculous because no one can stay awake 24/7 and it wasn't his fault, it was me, I did it no one else.
It was silly of me to make that promise that I'd never do it again, I should have instead said that I would try not to but that I might not be able to help doing it.
Glad I told him, it's a weight lifted. Felt like I'd cheated on him!

[beautifulfreak]

Originally Posted by Neptune83

Thanks everyone
I totally understand where he was coming from when he said that, scared to see me do that to myself. I wouldn't want him to, there's been two occasions where he's been so hurt and distressed that he self harmed, he'd never done it before and I was heartbroken to see him hurt himself like that. For him, it never turned into anything, it was more a heat of the moment thing, whereas with myself this is how it always begins. Starts off small, then ends up becoming out of hand.
I felt I had to say something in case he saw, in case I slipped up and also because no matter how hard I try to hide anything from him he always knows if something isn't right. I don't know how he knows, but he does. I've always been able to hide this and everything else from everyone, except him. It's odd, we seem to know exactly what each other are thinking without having to say a word and I've never had this with anyone before.
I told him, he often has to drag things out of me because I want to protect him from any stress or worry. He was very different from how I imagined, he wasn't cross. He was very understanding and listened to me. The only thing I did think he'd do which he did was blame himself for it. He said he should have stayed awake all night to make sure I was ok, but I said that was ridiculous because no one can stay awake 24/7 and it wasn't his fault, it was me, I did it no one else.
It was silly of me to make that promise that I'd never do it again, I should have instead said that I would try not to but that I might not be able to help doing it.
Glad I told him, it's a weight lifted. Felt like I'd cheated on him!

Well done Neptune, I am so glad to hear you feel a weight has been lifted. Yes, I agree with you that it probably more realistic so say you will try your very best rather than promise to never do it again. You realise that now, so that in itself is progress.

I was hoping he would be kind and understanding and from what you said in your original post I guessed he would be.

My relationship used to be like that once upon a time.

Well done again and thanks for letting us know how it went.

[Neptune83]

Thank you for your kind words
He is very supportive, I often wonder if its too good to be true. But that's a different story.