[Silent_Tears_17]

I dont know if I should post this but I dont want to have to keep it to myself. I saw my counselor today and decided to write a letter to myself. Im not in danger of hurting myself really and threw away my razors but this is what I wrote to me:

DIE *****. DIE ***** DIE DIE DIEE DIE DIE I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WANT TO CUT YOUR WRISTS AND JUMP YOU OFF A BUILDING I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING I HATE YOU I HATE YOU YOU SHOULD JUST DIE ILL STAB YOU AND STAB YOU AND STAB YOU AND SAB YOU BUT I CANT BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SISTER AND I CANT LEAVE HERE ALONE BUT i REALLY WANT TO BECAUSE I HATE YOU AND I DONT WANT TO BE YOU ANYMORE AND I DONT WANT TO MAKE THESE CHOICES AND DEAL WITH EVERYTHING ANYMORE. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. YOU ARE MEAN AND CRUEL AND HORRIBLE AND FAT AND UGLY YOU ARE A BAD DAUGHTER AND A BAD SISTER AND A BAD FRIEND YOU ARE NEEDY AND ARE BAD IN CLASS YOU TAKE PEOPLES TIME WHEN YOU SHOULDNT AND I HATE YOU SO MUCH I WISH YOU WERE DEAD YOU DO SO MANY BAD THINGS AND YOU ARE EMBARASSING YOU HAVE NO PORTION CONTROL, AND I WISH I COULD KILL YOU. I WOULD MAKE YOU SUFFER TOO. YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER BECAUSE YOU ARE SO BAD AND I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. YOUR GOING TO LIVE IN HELL FOREVER BECAUSE YOU ARE SO BAD AND I HATE YOU. YOU WILL NEVER FIND A HUSBAND BECAUSE NO ONE WILL EVER WANT TO BE WITH YOU. YOU NEVER SHUT UP AND ALL YOU THINK ABOUT IS YOURSELF... PLUS YOU KILL LIKE EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH YOU KILL PLANTS AND ANIMALS AND NO ONE WANTS TO BE AROUND YOU. EVERYONE WILL ABANDON YOU BECAUSE EVERYONE HATES YOU... AND THAT INCLUDES ME AND I WISH YOU WERE AN ONLY CHILD OR AN ORPHAN OR SOMETHING SO I COULD JUST KILL YOU- JUMP YOU OFF A BRDGE OR HANG YOU OR SHOOT YOU OR CRASH YOU INTO A WALL OR FILL A CAR WITH CARBON MONOXIDE OR DIOXIDE OR WHATEVER THAT ****ING POISION IS. I JUST WANT YOU DEAD AND IF YOU WERE DEAD I WOULD BE HAPPY BECAUSE YOU ARE MEAN AND HORRIBLE AND ALL YOU DO IS CAUSE TROUBLE. THERE IS NO PLACE FOR YOU ON THIS EARTH. I JUST WANT YOU TO DIE. DIE ***** DIE ***** DIE. YOU NEED TO BUY A CAR SO i CAN KILL YOU WITH IT... OR SOMETHING. i WANT TO KILL YOU. I WANT TO KILL YOU EVERYDAY ALL THE TIME. AND I WANT TO CUT OFF YOUR FAT AND CUT YOU INTO PIECES BECAUSE i HATE YOU AND YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER YOU DESERVED BAD THINGS TO HAPPEN TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BAD YOU DESERVE TO SUFFER AND YOU DESERVE TO BE RAPED AND TORTURED BECAUSE YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON. I HATE YOU MORE THAN EVERYTHING. I HATE YOU. YOU ARE A BAD ROLE MODEL AND A BAD SISTER AND A HORRIBLE PERSON. I HATE YOU FOR BEING A BAD PERSON AND A DISGUSTING PERSON. AND GOD WILL NEVER LOVE YOU BECUASE YOU DONT DESERVE IT. YOU DONT DESERVE ANY OF IT. AND I DONT ACTUALLY KNW WHY EXCEPT THAT YOU ARE BAD YOU ARE VERY BAD AND I WANT YOU TO STOP BEING BAD. I WANT YOU TO BE GOOD. BUT YOU NEVER WILL BE GOOD. YOU ALWAYS DO THINGS WRONG AND EVEN WHEN YOU TRY TO BE GOOD YOU ARE BAD AND I HATE YOU. YOU MAKE ME SAD. I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE.

[a bland]

that is really negative and im not sure if its the right route to take, but if it makes u feel better go for it. i just want u to be happy. i dont think u deserve any of that. u should always express urself but i think u should try a more positive approach. i think now that u have told urself all the negative try countering it with a positive. if u want. just a suggestion.

[Idiot17]

(((((silent)))))

[adam_k]

I can relate to your letter. Sometimes I am filled with self hatred and it is uncontrollable and debilitating. I found that when I have the strength I can fight it. I can think of good things about myself and treat myself kindly. I sometimes have to tell myself I am not an awful person and deserve to feel good about myself. Sometimes it is too hard and I go into full self hate mode, self injruy, have a lot of negative self talk etc.

I just suggest thinking about some of the things you said and evaluating them to see if they have any merit. Sometimes I have a really bad body image and I call myself fat and disgusting and get the urge to starve myself. I have to challange those thoughts and tell myself I am not that way, and that starving myself won't make things better. If I want to be skinnier proper diet and exercise is the healthy approach and I don't deserve to be starved. I hope this helps.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( Silent )))))))