[winkynjr]

I am so tired of this!!! if I make it til bedtime tonight I will have 5 days again with cutting or burning. I am just feeling so low, depressed and numb tonight and REALLY WANTING TO CUT!!!! I just dnt know what else to do anymore!!! Everytime I try to get help I end up being screwed in one way or another. This time, once again friends talked me into going back to another counselor and then all of a sudden they are claiming that I have a copay which I know dam well I don't!! I cannt afford to pay!!!! I just, I don't know, I just don't care right now about NOTHING!!!!

[H3rmit]

Sorry you're hurting so bad. It's frustrating dealing with institutions, as well. I hear you.

[Sam2]

Hi. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Five days is a long time to make it without hurting yourself. Keep telling yourself, just one more day. It takes about forty days for the brain to form new habits. It sounds like a long time, but if you can make it to that goal, it should get easier.

Insurance is definately a problem. Co pays can be so expensive that you wonder why you have insurance at all. I do understand the frustration. My monthly insurance premiums are over $600 out of pocket. Even with that, I still have copays. The premiums are more than half of my monthly salary. Drop it and my meds alone will be over $1000 a month.

Fight whatever you don't think is fair. There are funds in clinics and hospitals for people who can't pay, but they don't tell you that. If your income is below a certain level, you may qualify for help. The worst that can happen is getting the answer no. One year, I had so many surgeries that even after my insurance, I owed the hospital tens of thousands of dollars. I'd had no income for weeks. One compassionate person in the office took my case and they paid the entire sum that I owed with thier funds.

You can vent all you want here. You can't hurt yourself while you are typing. Please keep trying. Life can seem totally unfair, impossible and meaningless, but we have to fight. I was caught in the SI cycle for decades until two years ago so I know who powerful the urges are. When you are trying to stop, even your dreams can be invaded by thoughts of SI. I can remember trying to stop and after a couple of days, I'd have a dream that I had blown it and started again. I'd wake up feeling completely defeated. Hang in there and don't give up. If you make a mistake and cut, just go on from there. SI is an addiction, and like any addiction, there are setbacks. Just do your best.

Sam2