[picklewheeze]

I've avoided this forum like the plague for a very long time as its very triggering and seems to make me worse. I'm sorry to ask for help when I rarely offer it on this forum. I'm really struggling, though.

I've self harmed for ages. I recently quite maliciously cut both my legs. They got infected and I had to have them treated. They're nearly healed now and mostly scarred.

I've just been trying to survive the last few days. Taking every breathe as it comes. I want to cut my legs again, to feel some relief, even if it is temporary.

When I cut I come alive. I only have to put my hand on my leg to feel the pain and I have so much energy.

I look at them constantly, make extra trips to the toilet etc. I've never known why I did it.

I think I've unpicked something right at the root of my SI though.

I've never been allowed to cry. I've never been able to. I can't express my pain in any other way but to cut. Its not the cutting I like. Its having the cuts there. A constant reminder.

I want people to know I'm hurting, I desperately want their help but I just don't know how to ask for it. I don't know how to show my pain so that they'll understand.

[Travelinglady]

Are you in therapy? As you say, there's something behind your desire to cut and maybe you can work on it in therapy and find alternatives to scarring yourself all up.

[Arethusa]

Not sure if this would help but throwing it out there. It helped me tremendously when I used to self injure myself: I would take a red marker and draw red lines across my arms. It was an alternative to cutting. It looked like I had cut even though in actuality I had not. It helped me because I also wanted people to see the blood, to know how much pain I was in.

[picklewheeze]

That is an AWESOME idea!! Thanks so much Arethusa, thats great.

Yeah I am in therapy. I did speak to my T about it. She didnt really seem to care.

[Arethusa]

You're welcome.

I hope things work out between you and your therapist.