[HabitualQuitter]

I've never quite had a feeling like this before. The times I've SI in the past were little things as a teenager, then a SA in January 2012 during a psychotic/manis episode w/disassociation. The most recent SI was on Easter. So it's been a good bit for me

But flash forward to now and Inam just increasingly aggitated with myself. Two of my daughters have their ballet&tap recital on the 18th of this month. For a while I just told myself to just wait til then, you've got to be there for them. Then I found out my sister (my only support person) is moving. We are so close, our children range from.10yrs to 3.5yrs and have grown up like siblings. My sister is the only person who made sure I was okay, who never gave up on me. And it's safe to say I have codeoendency issues...she is moving. And I've cried every day since she found out. She's moving to another state. This happened once before and I barely made it a year without her before she came and got me and my two kids.

Now I just keep.telling myself to wait until she moves so me & my kids can spend as much time as possible with her and her kids. I think it's going to be terribly bad when she leaves. I'm scared and I don't feel like I can tell my husband. He's just so detached from me and my Dx. I don't know what's going to happen. But I know it's going to be bad. But if I tell anyone now what I am feeling I may lose my chance to be with my girls on their big day and make the most of our time left with my sister. God I'm nuts

[HabitualQuitter]

I keep finding a need for radical change. I had dreads down to my butt almost that I cut in November last year. I'd had them for 4yrs. Stupidest mistake ever. I got a pixie cut and I've hated my hair every day since. And I've gained 45lbs on these meds so now I'm fat with ugly short hair. I hate it. HATE IT. I just dyed. Literally, there's dye on it right now, I'm waiting for it to set. I've been wearing beanies all Winter but now it's getting hot outside and I'm sick of wearing hats. I thought about getting a wig, I just want to hide. It's very hard for me. Every time I look in the mirror I want to cry, then I just get mad and want to bash my face into the mirror. I am so sickened looking at my body, my face, my hair, it makes me want to just destroy myself. Everyday is a battle. I really hope this pdoc helps straighten out my meds. Something has got to change. I can't live like this anymore. My sister invited me out with her and some friends. She's picking me up in an hour and a half. I hate going out. I've only gone out once since i cut my hair and that was last week with my sister and a couple friends. I just felt like a freak, like everyone was staring at me. I am so unhappy. Im so sick of being unhappy. I just want to set things on fire.

[Sam2]

HabitualQuitter,
you aren't nuts. You have just gotten stuck using a coping mechanism that is not very effective for more than a day or so and causes more damage than it cures. The fact that you are putting your girls before yourself shows that you are not a selfish person. You just need to find a healthier outlet to help you deal with stress.

I'm sorry your husband is having some trouble with your diagnosis. People who have never self harmed have a very difficult time understanding how someone can deliberately hurt themselves. Its beyond the experience of most people. It might be helpful for him to see a therapist who deals with family members that self harm. Even just once. Coming from an authority figure, and someone who actually works in the field may carry more weight than you trying to explain it to him. It still horrifies me that I could have spent so many years injuring myself. I know why I did it, but it used to scare me because I was afraid that something would snap and I might unleash the same level of violence on someone else. That never happened, and I doubt is does for others either. If we were capable of hurting someone else, we wouldn't waste time hurting outselves.

Unless you are an immediate danger to yourself, the chances are that telling a therapist what is going on is not going to land you in a situation where you can't be there for the girls. The whole idea of treatment is to return someone to functioning normally. Since you are currently in control, even though you feel close to the edge, a therapist is much more likely to encourage you to be there for your girl's. Use them as a reason to keep fighting the syndrome.

You have figured out that stress makes things worse, and that awareness gives you some power. Love can be stronger than SI urges. I know it is hard. I fought that fight for close to forty years with breaks in between. Most urges, at least those that are strong enough to make you go through with harming yourself, are short lived. Although you may have the urges most of the time, the window in which you can actually go through with it is relatively short.
Keep telling yourself to put it off one more day. When the next day comes, tell yourself one more day again. keep it going. The further you go out, the easier it will become to fight off the serious urges.

Sam2