triggered

I'm in a bad space right now and want to demolish myself. I just need the trazodone to kick in so maybe things will be better after sleep. I have no one to call or text, so I'm just going to write here until I get tired. I'm not going to let myself get out of bed. The self harm would be too tempting if I did. Its too tempting right now, but I can't do it in bed next to my wife, so I'm just going to stay here. So much triggered today and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the couple's session yesterday and the body memories today. My system is in overload. The sky feels like it's falling, only it really isn't. I'm so tired of fighting the urges. But I know I have to for my wife. She's the only reason I have not totally given up even though I am sick of the struggle. So I keep trying for her. I never wanted to be the cause of someone's ptsd in the first place. I will not make it worse for her.
The rain had been crazy all day. I need to find out how to get my phone off the emergency alert text list. I don't like the stupid warning Every few minutes. I can figure it out myself. How do you block those and get your number off the list? I never signed up in the first place. I want off.
I cried for the first time in a long time tonight. I make my wife feel bad, but not in purpose. I wish feeling better was under my complete control, but it just isn't. I wish I was happy. I wish this black cloud did not chase me everywhere. I wish I could get away from myself. I hate seeing get upset because of me...
Ok. I think the meds are kicking in. Here's hoping a night of sleep will help.

While in a better space. Still really sad, but not as destructive. Sleep helps so much

I have no wise words or anything really, other than I know the feeling of wishing for things that are totally out of your own control.

Sometimes sleep can really help, I often do that or just stay in bed and hide under the duvet if I am trying to do some self preservation!

I hope things improve for you soon

Still pretty unsettled. I see my t Monday, but I'm not really sure how/if it will be helpful. I should tell him all this, but I don't know what I expect him to do or say... still just feeling lost and hopeless. At least the self harm urges are not as intense tonight... have some stuff to do tomorrow to try to pass time, but it's not much.