do you think im sane?

ok well im a recovering selfharmer.. cutter of two years life long selfharmer.. im almost 15 iv become a monster.. im numb inside and all i dream anymore is nightmares or weird dreams, i think im seeing ghosts, iv always been called Phyicic by ppl and i see shadow ppl, i know who is going to call without seeing the caller id most of the time, i get weird feelings before somthing bad happins.. i can balance pencils on their tip, and balance any pile of rocks without glue.. i can bend spoons, make flames grow and dissapate.. im emo .. i dnt like labling myself though.. i only say im emo cause ppl wouldnt leave me alone about it.. and i think i am.. one place i fit in.. im having a hard time telling whats going on somtimes.. or whats a dream and whats real,
i cut worthless three times into myself, perfect, help and my ex bfs name.. my arms and legs are covered in scars.. i punch myself burn myself and overdose on asprin..idk y.. mabey its somthing sub contesly or somthing.. im so raddle i cant spell right..i feel cold and alone and numb.. and i want to cut and carve my darling crystal my ex gf's name into myself a milliontimes.. i carved her name into myself once on my ankle.. wasnt very deep so no scar.. old blade too.. even though theres happy stuff happining in my life i cnt feel the happy feeling.. holidays hurt, birthday hurts, sunrise hurts.. i just dnt want to be around it.. i keep day dreamin of being in a hoteland locking myself in it with no food.. no lightes on.. just music playin.. and cold bath running in the bathroom..idk y .. im losing all hope and i want to die now.. .. i think im border line or bi polar.. or just somthing is wrong but then i contradict myself telling myself nothings wrong.. i zone out at weird moments thinking about nothing at all.. i dnt hear anything anyones saying.. its like i dissapear.. and im getting soo irretated with ppl cause they wont leave me alone. im hurting my moms feelings.. BUT SHE DOSENT UNDESTAND ME! in anyway.. but she wont listen to me.. she doesnt know what iv gone through.. shes an ex anorexic and my father who died before i was born was a wiskey addict.. my uncle did heroine around me as a child.. but the fact im qeustioning mt sanity should mean im sane right? but idk.. maby not.. imjust blah.. i wan to lay on flooor all lights off. laying there with music playin low.. tv off.. alone.. and when i get super depressed theres this one spot on a speific wall i put my head against. and i stand there.. i have no idea why.. somtimes its like im not alive i feel like a zombie... and once i started being really weird.. i was trying to stop myself from relaps. idk y.. i just became somthing .. a monster.. and idk if this is normal.. or lack of sleep or over sleep or if im just nuts.. its like i wish my life was a dream.. but then it is.. or somhing.. i just get weird.. and cold.. and just wacked up.. when i was younger i started attacking my mom..idk.. i think theres somthing wrong with me.. and i know there is.. maby not.. but somtimes after a while i get super slutty for noooooo reson.. somtimes super mad or upset.. not much anymore.. now im mostly just nothing...and i take and break things and make patterns all over the place out of the blue.. i have been doing that since i was little.. no clue.. HElP Me PlEasE!

Is there anyone for you to talk to about this? Have you tried? You say that you are a recovering self harder, which is good. How do you think your mom would react if you sat her down and told her about this?

-AJ

You could be suffering from borderline. I can relate to the mood swings. Craving attention to feel some emptiness. Lots of unregulated emmotions, spewing all over the place. I don't think you are crazy, but you are in pain and could use some help. Do you have anyone you trust that you can talk to?

There is help out there for you to be able to control your emmotions and find some balance. A lot of people that suffer from BPD go thru DBT. It is a type of therapy to help regulate emmotions and not have to suffer so much. Can you go to hour parents to get them to get you some help? Maybe school counselor? If you are feeling suicidal you can call 911 or go to the hospital and get treatment. Your not crazy, just suffering from things you can't cope with.