[ThisWayOut]

My head's been in a really dark place lately, and I was (almost?) Baker Acted over the weekend (one person said I was, but then someone else said I would have had to have been there 72hrs min if I had been). Since I got home from that "fun" stint, I have been taking my anxiety meds religiously to keep the urges/thoughts at bay. I have to volunteer tomorrow though, so I can't take them (they knock me out and I'm a drooling idiot on them). There's no splitting the dose because they are capsules. I just don't want to be overwhelmed and in a really bad space by the time we get home (also have couple's therapy and a support group tomorrow). I kinda want to call out from the volunteer job because at least then I can take my meds in the morning and it will have worn off some by the time we go to therapy. But at the same time, I know that going to volunteer helps me get my mind off stuff and set me in a better mood. I just don;t know what to do because I have not been this bad recently. If the state system wasn't so bad, and I could afford a private hospital, I would not be home right now. But since all the county would do is contain me and drug me up, I figure I can do that a lot more comfortably at home, and still have access to my other coping skills (and my dignity, a clean shower, a comfortable bed... all the stuff we take for granted)...
I don't know what to do. Has anyone ever been so bad and still managed to stay safe while doing something outside the house? I know I will stay safe there, but it's the space my head will go to that worries me.

[grey_aj]

Volunteering is awesome, but if you are having doubts then I would personally not go just for tmrw, BUT that is just what *I* would do. In the end, it's totally up to you. You know your own situation best.

- AJ

[ThisWayOut]

I ended up going and just hanging out. It worked out on because I was hung over from my trazodone. A lot of time to think, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. Them we had a ton of therapy where we accomplished quite a bit. I was disconnected about the topics we covered, but was honest. Now I can't sleep even with the trazodone I took earlier. Ooh well. As long as I can keep from self-harming, things will be ok. The scars ask tingle though. I'm acutely aware of every one. If it gets worse, I'll take an anti anxiety.