[tealBumblebee]

I've been having some pretty negative thoughts lately and am viewing past issues in a different light now, and so I decided that I should see a counselor. I emailed someone who I thought I would be interested in talking to, and she asked for my number to call me. This freaked me out. My stomach dropped, I got highly anxious, and I wrote an email back pretty much saying 'never mind', but I erased it and quickly sent my number before changing my mind. When she called, she was pretty easy to talk to. Very friendly, and there wasn't an awkward pause once introductions were out of the way.

We agreed to give each other a try, and I scheduled an appt. with her. Ever since i've scheduled that appointment, my anxiety has reached a whole new level. I literally woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack and that has NEVER happened before. Part of my thoughts included self injury. I've never been a big cutter but I have done it before (superficial but enough to leave noticeable scarring).

Last night I finally gave in to my anxiety and did a few superficial cuts in the same place I used to, and my chest pressure and stomach knots were gone in less than an hour. Last night was the first night in months that I was able to sleep peacefully through the night (even my grandmother noticed). I was refreshed this morning, happy, a little jittery (kind of antsy like too much caffeine), cleaned my room better than I have in at least a year (to the point that I scrubbed the fridge, stood on a stool and vacuumed dust off the ceiling, etc.).

I know this was a bad coping mechanism but it can't be a coincidence that I felt this much life in me so randomly. Is it possible the two are linked? Do you think this anxiety will end once I meet her? Why am I so nervous? And SI was not my reason for contacting her, it was the thought of it. But scheduling the appt. basically made it worst.

[grey_aj]

I think it is possible that the two are linked. Even if the SI did not cause the liveliness, it could be a placebo effect of sorts?

I think a certain amount of anxiety is normal -- you are telling a new person about something very personal to you.

- AJ

[tealBumblebee]

Thanks AJ. I'm starting to think your placebo affect was true, woke up and my mood was crashingly low than yesterday.